not good news

[learningtofly]

Hello. Been on MN for some years but first posting here. I have namechanged because i do know people on here in RL and I am not sure yet that I am ready to be outed.

We found out yesterday that I am pregnant for the 2nd time. We should be over the moon but this is possibly my worst nightmare.

For years I have taken some pretty heavy duty medication for a longstanding health problem which I had to stop for a certain period of time before I got pregnant with my ds. They recently changed my meds to a new, slightly experimental drug (the long term effects are not really known yet) and pregnancy is an absolute no.

Ive been to see my consultant today and although he will contact the drug company and NICE we have been told to be prepared that they will advise not to continue with the pregnancy.

Please be gentle - I geniuely cant believe this is happening, we have always been so very careful so not to be in this situation and now here we are.

Any advice would be very gratefully received.

thanks Misty. It was DH who suggested I start a thread on MN cause he thought i would need to talk to someone but as at the moment we arent ready to talk to people in RL he thought MN was a good idea.

I hope and pray they will say a medical procedure is still viable but if they dont then I guess we need to be prepared for a surgical one. I did google yesterday (big mistake) but got too upset to take it in - because there was still a glimmer of chance it was perhaps a step too soon.

DH has just phoned and said he is bringing a bottle of wine home - it sounds stupid but since i found out i was pregnant i went back into pregnancy mode' and dug out the decaff teabags and stopped drinking (I do like a glass of wine!) I guess now the decision is made then it doesnt matter anymore. Luckily I guess Ive not got any pregnancy' feelings yet - i had a bit of morning sickness on monday but i dont look or feel pregnant yet which is a blessing. The longer it goes on the more i will feel and the harder it will be.

I cant bear to have the telly or radio on - too much bloody cheer and happiness so have resorted to classic fm (i never listen to Classical musci!!) cause at least it doesnt make me cry and think "the world is ending why arent you all sad?"

I hope I dont sound like I'm wallowing - Ive actually been more productive today and managed to prepare some tea - last night poor DH said carefully "ummm did you have anything in mind for tea?" I havent been able to eat anything much since we found out but he needs food to think bless him and he isnt that great in the kitchen!

Awww, Sorry the news isn't good. And sorry you have to wait a while for the next step. There's always so much waiting, appointments, more waiting, etc. Mundane things like making meals can seem like insurmountable problems. I remember my DH asking if I wanted a cuppa, and me not being able to decide for at least 10 minutes, and finally bursting in to tears because I didn't know!
Hope you can 'enjoy' a glass or two tonight, and get a cuddle at the same time.
Keep us posted how you are. Thinking of you. xxx

after a relatively positive day (in that we are moving forward) I feel like rubbish tonight. DH is lovely but refusing to talk about how he is feeling and just saying about how worried he is about me. Are the evenings the worst time?

Can be! It's usually when you're tired-er, and have more time to think, especially once other children are in bed and you get a moment to yourself. If he doesn't want to talk, don't push it today. He's probably feeling very protective of you. Be gentle with yourself. A warm bath and snuggle up for the night? xx

I had the same thing with my OH - dont worry. He needed to feel he was being strong for me, and that was his coping mechanism. I kind of forced him to tell me how he was feeling in the end, and he said he was finding his 'role' in protector, as linspins says. Let him be how he wants to be for now. Quite honestly you need a strong arm to lean on. There will be time to come together more emotionaly later.

Also - yes evenings are difficult. Mind you, i found going to bed was bliss, because i could stop thinking and just sleep. Strangely i slept like a log. OH didnt!

Keep on taking good care of yourself - xxxxxxxx

Had a better day yesterday - only burst into tears three times which is an improvement on the last few days. I even managed to eat something for dinner too.

I have started to have some abdominal cramps which I can't decide if that's normal for the stage I'm at (dont remember them last time), if its my stomach reacting to food or if its something more sinister. We have been warned that mc is possible and Tbh I don't know what would be worse at this stage.

Generally we are planning to carry on as usual for as much as possible although I am paranoid about starting to show or getting nausea. At the moment we can't bring ourselves to tell anyone else.

Only 16 days to go now and counting x x

No time to post properly and do it justice but wanted to say still thinking of you. xxxxxxx

well we survived the weekend although it has been quite hard keeping things from our families and friends. As awful as it sounds I have at times totally forgotten what is going on and me and DH have laughed and joked like nothing is wrong - weve also managed to get some time together on our own which was good.

That real tiredness you get in early pregnancy has kicked in and I have had some morning sickness which has been hard to deal with psychologically but generally I am bearing up. I guess we just have to keep on going now x x

Hello I don't know if anyone is still following this thread but a little update if just for me!

We had our appointment today and it went as well as expected - more tears! The scan showed as normal but they can't really guarantee this so we are booked in for Friday. I was offered a medical termination but I honestly don't think I could cope with the time scale emotionally. It was hard going through all the finer details - I made them change the wording on the consent form cause it said unplanned pregnancy which is true but not why we have made this decision. Midwife probably thought I was barking but it really mattered to me. also I insisted on a scan picture as a memento that this baby did exist and that it was circumstances working against us (told you - totally barking!)

So three days to go. Such a short time really but feels like forever.

hello, I have been reading your thread. I'm really sorry you are having to go through this and that you've had to wait so long. I'm glad the end is in sight now, I have now had two terminations because of issues with the babies and the waiting was most definitely the worst part for me. I understand why you wanted to change the wording, it is really important. They kept referring to one of my terminations as a stillbirth which really irritated me even though it makes no difference to the final result. Will think of you this friday. I don't know if you've seen it but there is a support thread for people who have terminated pregnancies on this board which might be some use if you need some support x

That doesn't sound barking at all, I can totally understand why the wording is important. Be gentle with yourself, especially these next few days.

Not barking at all. Do keep the scan photo somewhere safe , and you could photocopy your notes too to put in a special box. Get your other half to take a picture of you too maybe, with your hands on the 'bump'. I remember having a long warm bubble bath and 'talking' to my bump, telling them how sorry I was and that I loved them. I do believe it's important to create some proper memories, to hold on to at a later date, to show that there was a real baby who was loved. Life has dealt you a horrible blow, and it isn't at all fair. Will be thinking of you on Friday. Be gentle with yourself, demand whatever you need to help get through it. xxx

Thank you for your replies. Because we feel we can't tell anyone at the moment it does feel that in RL we are quite alone although my regular consultant team have been brilliant at supporting us. The worst thing is everyone keeps wanting to talk about contraception - "we can't have this happening again" is a phrase I keep hearing like we have purposely got into this situation. I want to shout back! I'm not a naive youngster I'm a happily married thirty something woman stop talking to me like I'm a teenager!

Deep down I know we are doing the right thing although my maternal instincts are kicking in strongly - I couldn't bear to watch a child grow up with severe problems knowing I inflicted that on them.

I think we might plant a tree in our garden in memory of this little baby and so we have a place to remember.

Ahhh, the tree idea is lovely. I've got a tree for my first baby that I lost, (it's in a public space.) Only thing to mention is where to plant it. Be careful putting it in you garden if you think you might move - ever! It might be hard to leave it behind. Another idea is to plant a bush, something beautiful that flowers at this time of year, that you can take cuttings of. Then, over the years, take cuttings and grow them on, and give them away to friends and family (you don't have to say anything about your little one). But it might be comforting to know your special plant has gone out in to the world.
One of my friends has a bonsai tree - in a pot to take from house to house.

Hope you are 'ok' today, although I know that is a bit of a silly thing to say. xxx

tomorrow is nearly here. Bag is packed ready and waiting. Nil by mouth from midnight.

Im dreading it tbh. I kept thinking throughout today "itll be over by this time tomorrow"

I keep worrying about stupid things - do i keep my contact lenses in? or should i wear my glasses? will they give me them when i wake up (cant see a blooming thing without them!) Will i snore when under the anaesthetic?

Thank you for all your support - it has really meant a lot to me over the last few weeks.

ltf, just read this thread and wanted to send you my best wishes. Have no expereince of this but extending my love at what must be an awful time for you. Keep strong. WALKING.

Big hugs for when you get home, I hope you can find some peace and start healing xxxxxx

Thinking of you. xx

Thinking of you. Hope you are having a gentle weekend. xxxx

Hello sorry I havent updated earlier, weve had a quiet weekend after Friday and tbh I havent really felt up to writing about it.

It was what it was. It all seems a bit surreal, as if it wasnt really happening to me. There were tears again, especially when they go through the `are you sure' bit and when they were putting me to sleep but the nurses were really nice. I was quite disorientated after the GA and in recovery I thought the nurses there were a bit funny with me but that could be my interpretation!

So now we are trying to move on, I do still have my moments but deep in my heart I know we didnt really have any choice and it was the right thing to do. We arent considering trying for another baby just yet and not until Ive talked to my consultant about my medication and whether I will continue taking it but it has made us realise that we do want to try for another in the future.

Thank you for all your support, I will follow the threads here now and pop up from time to time.

learningtofly x x x

No need to be sorry, thank you for updating even when painful.

I'm glad that (medically anyway) Friday went smoothly. I hope your consultant is able to give you some good advice for the future.

xx

hi, thank you for updating us and i'm glad it went as smoothly as possible. i think planting a tree is a lovely idea, we planted a cherry tree to remember Eve by, as it should blossom around March/April each year.

i hope you continue to take care of yourself and have good support in RL - your dh sounds like he's been wonderful. if you want to come and chat then please come and find us here - a wonderful group of ladies in similar situations.

take good care of yourself xxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you mrsbigz I think I will do that x x x

Hello I thought it might be helpful to anyone else who finds this thread to have an update.

It's a year today when my journey physically ended although emotionally it has not been easy. There are still tears for our little one and I still often wonder what if? although it is easier now to acknowledge our choice was limited.

There was wonderful support from Mn on this thread and over the last 12 months when I have reread it (in times of terrible doubt) it has given great comfort to me. My support in rl has been fantastic too.

Early on there were many anti-termination threads that I got far far too embroiled in - it wasn't helpful to me and impossible to explain why we choose what we did - in hindsight I should have just stepped away.

But I am still here. Still surviving - my heart always has a special place for my little lost one - but I came through what seemed to be the end of the world.

So I namechanged to learningtofly at the start of this and so (probably with a nod to my hero Tom Petty) its now time to nn change again. But thank you everyone who helped me and dh through the most difficult time ever.

Ltf x

Glad you have made peace with yourself.