Hi Blacktreaclecat
(A treacle cat and a cinnamon dog, we sound like we are baking a cake!).
So sorry to hear about yet another little one lost in such sad circumstances. Just like you, I couldn't bear the idea of 'medical management', (what a phrase!), despite being told that it would be helpful for 'diagnostic reasons'. It just seemed too cruel a thing to go through, though I completely understand that for some other ladies it is an important part of the grieving process. Just not for me.
Physically, I feel fine. Still a little bleeding etc. and like you I am kind of desperate for it to stop and my first real period to turn up. Me & partner have decided that we do want to try again, initially we were thinking in 3 months as recommended but I just don't know if I can wait. It sounds so odd to say that, almost as if I've forgotten little one already, but it's not that. I'm not trying for a replacement, or to take away the pain I feel, but that unbelievable urge to be a mummy and daddy that lead to me becoming pregnant with our baby girl is still there, for both of us.
We haven't received any kind of counselling/ odds on this happening again yet. The only thing that we have been told is that if the baby did have Edward's in addition to her diaphramatic hernia, (the problem that meant she would not have survived pregnancy many more weeks), then the chances of this reoccurring is half a % higher with the next pregnancy. I'm 35 so my chances of Down's/Edward's etc. is slightly higher, (and increasing at a scary rate, if you believe the statistics), but the chances of having a perfectly healthy baby are higher still. I keep trying to bear that in mind when the black cloud descends and I cry myself into oblivion!
I would say, (and you can ignore me if you wish - many do!), don't try to get back to normal, not yet. What is normal anyway? You have been through a heart breaking experience and an experience that is darn well unfair. You have to allow yourself to get through this in whatever way you need to; bear in mind it is still really early days, for us both. I know my hormones are still everywhere, and that is enough to make a girl go a bit crazy at the best of times. The important thing is that you look after yourself, accept that this experience will have changed you, (in my case, for the better I think. I've realised that I am stronger than I thought, that I have so much to be grateful for and that I will be a mummy again), and try to have a little hope. You have a plan in place with ttc, that's a good start. Just don't be too hard on yourself.
As for those people I mentioned, I've realised that they are unimportant. We all have different priorties in life, and while life is very unfair sometimes, dwelling on their attitude will just upset me more. I can't change what happened to my baby, and to think about 'what ifs', even though it is so easy to do, is just a form of self torture. I don't deserve that, none of us in this situation do.
Chin up, cry as much as you want, eat your body weight in chocolate and let me know when you are feeling better. Or even if you are not.
We'll get through it - trust me, I'm a complete stranger on a chat room thread, (I know,I have a very weird sense of humour)!
In all seriousness, take care, big hugs xxx