Is it wrong to feel like this?

[kmummy]

It's been over since we received our 1-20 result and 3 weeks today until the animo :( I'm struggling to connect with this little one at all. I don't feel pregnant anymore, just incredibly detached from the baby. Not one part of me feels that this will have a good outcome, we've been so lucky to have 3 healthy boys, why should we be lucky enough again?

Hi kmummy so sorry that you have found your way here. I totally understand how you are feeling, we also had a bad NF scan and decided to wait for an amnio. The time passed ever so slowly but we had it yesterday and are now awaiting results, hopefully tomorrow.

As soon as we had had the scan I totally detached myself from the little one. I stopped believing that we were expecting a baby at all- it is like I am pregnant (I'm not drinking, my tummy sticks out a bit etc) but I cannot see that there will be an addition to our family at the end of it all. It's a coping mechanism for me- we have come to the very difficult decision that if the baby does have Down's syndrome we will terminate the pregnancy, so until I know that it is healthy I have to detach myself, to protect myself. It has helped me to think about how I have to put those people who are already here first, my DH and my DD and they need me to be present for them anyway. I really feel for you. I hope that you can take some comfort in your three boys and your DH and that the time passes quickly for you.

Thanx Jeffily, im finding the wait for the amnio so so hard, it scares me how many weeks il be when the results are in - we to have decided we wont continue with the pregnancy, as much as that hurts to admit that.

What odds where you given? Was your NT high?

How was your amnio? Im so nervous about it, the whole things feels me with fear, ive read so many different stories on how it hurts etc - will you get your first result back tomorrow?

Everything you have said is exactly how i feel, its become obvious that im PG now, and im avoiding all the mums at school, im justs so sad by it all, a time that should be magical has been taken away, it all feels so unfair.

It is horrible, the waiting. I just felt in limbo all the time. Trying to keep busy did help, and I am sure that with 3 boys you have your hands full! We decided to wait for the amnio as the risk of MC is lower than with CVS so knowing that I was doing my very best by the baby helped as well.

Our NT was 5mm which put us at very high risk (1:6) but my bloods bought it down to 1:80. It's not too bad, I have read stories of women with much higher odds who go on to have healthy babies, but we have already lost a baby to a heart condition which has odds of 1:5000 so we can't really believe that the 1 is not going to be us. I can totally relate to the feeling unfair. I have sort of come to terms with it now, though of course I am still holding onto hope that it will all be ok and goodness knows how I'm going to feel if it is not.

As for the amnio, it really was not painful or difficult at all. I really got myself into a state about it before hand, I was really frightened that it would hurt or that it would cause a miscarriage. We are not out of the woods for the MC yet, but I have not had any bleeding, only very very mild cramping which is apparently quite normal. The consultant was very quick and efficient, there was one prick, like having blood taken, and then just some pressure, again, like when you have an injection. It was all over in 30 seconds and was really, really no more painful than a regular injection or blood test. In fact, I think I have had more painful blood tests. I felt all funny and weak and dizzy afterwards and went to bed for the afternoon, but I am pretty sure that was stress and shock from how much of a state I got myself into about it. Try not to be frightened- it really was no big deal. I am sure that it was the run up, the waiting and then actually going to have it done that made me feel so bad, not the actual amnio.

Really thinking of you over the next little while. I found it really helped to write on here, keep checking in. I hopefully get my results today, so am desperately trying to distract myself. I soooo hope that it is good news.

keep your chin up. You will get through this, and you have a 19:20 chance that everything is ok. x

Oh my jeffily, ive just seen your news, you must be so relieved! Your story gives me hope, i really am praying 3 weeks from now im in the same position as you :)

Thank you for the advice on the amnio, its definatly me building it up in my head, and thinking the procedure will be far worse than it is.

Would you mind keeping in touch? I could do with some of your positivity right now x

This site might help you, it's run by a woman who sailed through her first pregnancy but then had a miscarriage and then got increasily anxious about her second pregnancy. Feelings of detachment etc. I think it's fairly common now and midwives are told to watch out for it.

Hi kmummy

Oh thank you love, yes I am very relieved and happy. Now of course, I am a bit worried about the full results, but that is par for the course. I am very pleased! You are amazing seeing that and posting such a lovely message when you are still at the horrible waiting. I really, really hope that you are here too in a few weeks.

I'd be more than happy to stay in touch- of course! Feeling that there is someone who knows what you are going through and understands as far as possible made such a huge difference to me during that horrible limbo time of waiting. And I am sure that more questions and worries will come up for you about the amnio and other stuff in between. If there is anything I can help with, just let me know. I'll keep checking in.

I didn't contact them, but lots of people recommended ARC to me (I can't do that link thing but google it and they come up) they are supposed to be really good, sympathetic and supportive.

Thinking of you lots. x

I don't think it's wrong, it's natural to try and detach emotionally in preparation for bad news. I had a (negative) amnio after a 1:8 chance according to the nuchal, those four weeks were horrible . I tried to keep telling myself that 1:8 meant that it was odds on that we would have a healthy baby, but in truth nothing helped much except keeping exceptionally busy.

After we got the result I carried on feeling numb for a few weeks: I was relieved but overwhelmingly I was just so exhausted by it all.

Don't worry about the amnio itself. You can feel it but it's about the same sort of pain level as having an injection at the dentist, I would say. I've had two now and I would much rather have an amnio than have a canula inserted, and by some distance.

There's plenty of time to get attached and for now you need to just do whatever is necessary to get through the next few weeks.

Very best of luck, I hope everything is OK, and congratulations on your pregnancy. It is still a marvellous thing, even though it's hard to feel that right now.