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Antenatal tests

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Original poster

Incompatible with life - Not sure I can do this...

10 replies

gigglet · 13/08/2010 18:31

I had my nuchal scan yesterday and it was determined that my baby is incompatible with life.

I'm so scared. I have decided to terminate as it seems the lesser of two evils but I really don't know how I'm going to get through it. I definitely can't wait 6 months for my baby to die but how am I supposed to get through a termination?

I keep thinking about a recent day surgery my husband had and that he spent hours sitting in that waiting room with everyone else. I just don't know how I'm going to do that.

OP posts:
deemented · 13/08/2010 18:39

Oh gigglet, i am so so sorry.

My first son had a condition that was incompatible with life. He died shortly after he was born. - we could have terminated, it was offered, but we felt that we owed it to him to give him a chance.

I think all you can do is to make the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time. Have you had a second opinion at all?

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

zapostrophe · 13/08/2010 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chaosisawayoflife · 13/08/2010 20:27

I'm so sorry gigget. Have you been offered any counseling to help you through this?

LittlePoot · 13/08/2010 20:59

Oh gigglet - I'm so, so sorry to hear your news. Sadly, there are many, many women on this board who have gone through the same pain you're dealing with and made the same heartbreaking decision. I have to be honest, there is no easy way to get through it, but you will. Bit by bit and day by day. I had a medical termination (i.e. induced labour, but at 13 weeks) last year and then a surgical procedure for a miscarriage at 9 weeks earlier this year. Both tough in their own way. If you do definitely decide to terminate and want to ask anything about either procedure then do - again, there are lots of supportive hands here to hold. I just remember the awful shock where one minute we were happily going for the 12 week scan and then within a few days we were terminating. Such a whirlwind - its just too much for you to take in. The best advice I can offer is to be very gentle with yourself in these few days, and cling to your husband if you can. And come here for as much support as you need. It doesn't take away the pain, but finding out that others have been through this and that what you're feeling is 'normal' in this situation can be something of a help. And later, when you're ready, hearing the success stories as people come out the other side can also help you through. Thinking of you. x

Original poster
gigglet · 13/08/2010 21:14

Thanks for the replies.

I have been given some brochures for counseling and a phone number of a midwife at the hospital but I don't have a huge amount to say and I'm a shy person at the best of times. I'm thankful that my husband has taken a break before starting a new job so he's home with me. I think I'd be going crazy on my own.

One minute it was a scan that seemed to me to be going fine. Several hours later I'm walking home with a box of antibiotics for a surgical termination. I don't doubt my decision to have the termination but that isn't much of a comfort.

OP posts:
AlisonDubois · 13/08/2010 21:29

Have you been put in touch with ARC?
They were a great support to me.

Wanderingsheep · 13/08/2010 21:34

Oh I'm so sorry to read this. Sad

Please take care of yourself.

LittlePoot · 13/08/2010 21:52

I didn't have counselling at the time either - like you, I didn't have much to say and didn't feel I wanted to say any of it in person to a stranger. I did however change my mind more recently and had a couple of sessions - and it was a help. Just keep the numbers for now and use them if and when you feel the need. Right now, there is nothing to say - just the shock and the numbness and the broken dreams.

The surgical termination, under a general anaesthetic, was pretty quick and mostly painless. Some bleeding afterwards, but lighter than a period. And physically a pretty quick recovery time. There are a few possible complications, but they're fortunately very rare and the doctors will discuss them with you beforehand.

I'm so sorry gigglet - this is not how it is supposed to be. It just isn't fair and its an impossible situation - there just isn't a simple way out and even though you're sure of your decision, it still feels awful. This is not a decision anyone should ever have to take. In case it helps, there's a series of threads on here called 'Antenatal support thread for women who have decided to terminate' or similar - I think its up to about number 5 or 6 now. If you read through, you'll find many stories tragically similar to yours, and if you want to post there, there are many hands who can reach out to you. Much love. x

HumphreyCobbler · 13/08/2010 21:56

I am so sorry. It is an awful and tragic thing to happen.

I discovered my son had a condition incompatible with life at the 20 week scan and went on to have a termination.

I would echo the advice to be very gentle on yourself. I think you have had some good advice here already, but just wanted to add my support and to say we are here if you want to talk some more.

GinaFB · 17/08/2010 22:33

Gigglet as I said on the Feb board I am so very sorry that you are going through this. It takes time to come to terms with everything, be gentle with yourself.

As Poot has said The ladies on the termination thread are incredible and can offer you some words of wisdom and support if you don't feel up to RL.

I went through a medical termination in Feb at 21 weeks, such a confusing and emotional time but the ladies on that board kept me sane.

Much love

G xxx

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