Four weeks postpartum and struggling with postnatal depression and trauma

[M1u6m]

I am 4 weeks post partum and drowning.
I am bonding with baby and honestly cannot love and care for her any more than I do. She is my world and honestly feel like she is saving me in this.
getting pregnant wasn’t easy. Being pregnant wasn’t easy. Labour wasn’t easy. And now I feel like I’m just a walking ptsd, traumatised, anxious filled, post natal depressed empty carcass. The lights are on, some what, but unless it’s to do with looking after my girl no one is home. I’ve had so many changes no things happen in the 9 months of pregnancy alone to the point I had no control over anything. I had hypermis gravidum, prenatal depression, hernias, gallstones, migraines. Constantly in hospital. Sold our house before Christmas and didn’t exchange until a week before the due date. Baby came early and everything I planned to regain control and enjoy the last push was taken. I wanted no intervention, no inductions, natural pool birth, no epidural. I had a 24+ hour labour with emergency teams in and out, epidural which had complications, episiotomy in theatre, forceps in theatre, etc. before labour I had this unavoidable feeling I was going to die. I still can’t shake it or the feeling that when I get so overwhelmed my baby and partner would be better off without me in the picture. That’s not me shouting suicide or self harm because honestly I feel like I’m hurting enough but I feel like a burden. I also feel like when I try to talk about it people don’t understand the intensity of it. Or when I try to implement boundaries and I’m talking wash hands before holding baby, no kissing, give her back if she is crying especially when she’s cluster feeding then people completely disregard my wishes and then make out like it’s because of my mental health I’m requesting these things. I just feel so overwhelmed and it’s effecting my relationship with my. Partner and I have rejection trauma from parental relationships and exes. I just don’t feel good enough for him or baby or my friends. I can’t keep up to date with anything. I feel like the only thing I’ve got better at is hiding it

Sending you love, please seek counselling asap, and begin to unravel all this hurt and pain

I remember all these feelings, it's totally overwhelming you poor thing.

You need to talk to your HV and spell out how bad you're feeling.

Things will get better, it's brutal in the early days.

So I reached out for help probably week 35/36 of pregnancy because of how I was feeling. I was at breaking point. I’ve been waiting since for the talking therapy. I did have the mental health team as a midwife but they discharge after 28days. I just want to feel normal again but I’ve not felt that way in so long. I want to be a good mum and partner but I feel like I can’t do anything but feed and pump and cry. I feel embarrassed even reaching out to the teams never mind on here. My midwife referred me to petals but they rejected me, something along the lines of didn’t meet their guidelines for trauma or loss no that the first four weeks feels traumatic for most mums. Which I understand but still felt like a kick.

I think I would make an appt with the GP,it sounds like it's been going on a good while and you might need a bit more support.