My baby is six months old. He has had a rough journey with CMPA / Reflux the last few months and I feel like we have tried almost everything.
He is my second child and was an elective c section birth after an emergency. He is my rainbow baby after four recurrent miscarriages & 7 years of trying.
I had a rough delivery as he was stuck during the section and they required to use forceps to drag him out. They also had to cut further along into my hip which caused prolonged nerve damage and made my recovery really difficult. I was able to feel everything as things began to wear off during the section due to the time it took - the whole thing was extremely traumatic & I was again robbed of a nice birth experience after a previous emergency birth.
One week later he ended up back in hospital due to breathing difficulty & he required some oxygen to get better. We never quite found out what was wrong or the reason for it, he was a full term baby. It was then that I developed PPA as I was petrified something was wrong with him.
I tried to enjoy the days as much as I could but I was always checking on him too much, too often. I spent a lot of my time overanalysing everything to do with my baby - every hiccup, every jolt, every look. It really started to consume me. It was then I was referred to a postnatal mental health team. A 10 week wait.
The weeks dragged on and the days became harder. My son developed severe reflux & we ended up back in hospital with possible seizure activity. We were discharged home the next day - reflux, sandifers syndrome. We continued on, we changed milks, we introduced medication, we changed feeding techniques, bottles, teats, thickeners. We tried it all. He still didn’t settle.
The months went on & finally at five months old he was put on a hypoallergenic milk for a possible CMPA. The difference in him was magic, he began to talk, he began to move more, he could sit up straight, he became alert & happy again. However it only lasted so long before we saw symptoms return. As it stands, we are still suffering with reflux. We are still in the thick of it at six months old. We have started weaning, I hate it.
I don’t know if he is reacting to the milk he is still trialling or if he is reacting to the foods I am giving him. Every day is filled with dread around this. The moments that should be exciting and new, are filled with anxiety.
Last week I was discharged from therapy after attending for five weeks. There was nothing further to gain from it & she was happy with my progress. Here I am, one week later & I feel unchanged. My anxiety is still high, the sadness still lingers.
One year ago , I was pregnant and I had no idea what lay ahead of me. I was busy getting the nursery ready, I had visions of putting my baby to bed in there & how peaceful it would all feel. I had no idea the picture would be entirely different. I am sad, I am grieving the baby I wished for.
I love my baby more than anything. He was wanted for a long time, we wished & wished for him, but I did not wish for this journey. I am really sad. I don’t see an end to the struggling and people keep telling me it will get better but I can’t see that. Every day is hard, the harder moments over power the good ones. I really grieve the 6 months maternity leave I should have had & mourn the months I have had.
It’s the toughest thing I’ve ever gone through and I feel like I’ve lost myself along the way. I am surrounded by strong women who are amazing mothers doing amazing things with their babies and I really struggle to make it through the day just now.
I’m just wishing for light at the end of the tunnel and hope that one day this will all feel like a distant memory.