Baby conceived after years of ivf, 16 weeks pregnant baby was diagnosed with a health issue which means she will need an operation and permanent antibiotics until then. Throughout pregnancy was told many different possibilities for her diagnosis including possible disability/ condition and would I like to have invasive testing for this etc. I was beside myself with worry anyway being an ivf pregnancy after miscarriages.
traumatic birth; she had low oxygen and had to be taken away straight away. 9 days later back in hospital with an ng tube as she had lost so much weight. 5 weeks old back in for IV antibiotics for what turned out to be a virus. Severe reflux issues and struggled to gain weight. Invasive testing in hospital for her kidneys. There has been so so much to deal with in just 5 months. However I am now feeling like I have post natal depression. I know I had post natal anxiety and intrusive thoughts which is mixed with ptsd I’m in therapy for.
But I now am wondering if what I’m feeling is normal or pnd. Every day when I wake up I feel like ‘how will I manage this today, again?’ I feel low and like I just could stay in bed all day. I’m also finding her ‘whinging’ unbearable, I find it so anxiety provoking and I literally can’t function when she’s doing it. I have to just drop what I’m doing and sit with her. She is so irritable, she’s at that awkward age where she can’t do much but wants to, but she basically just half cries all day unless I am trying to make her smile and laugh. When it gets really bad I get some weird thoughts cross my mind like ‘have I made a huge mistake’ or ‘would she be better off being adopted’, I don’t actually think this though but it comes into my head when I’ve had enough of dealing with it. I am also living with extreme health anxiety for her condition she has to have surgery for her issue this year at some point and all I can think is that I’m going to lose her. It’s driving me insane. I’ve also found it hard to accept she’s even here? Like I’m waiting for something to go wrong whilst simultaneously finding her irritating at times (that breaks my heart to even say that). I also am aware that this precious time is so short and I am really not enjoying it at all. I never experienced mental health issues with my first child, so all of this feels very different and sad 😞 any words of wisdom? I’ve been to gp and perinatal mental health services. Both of them want to help but don’t.. I’m on antidepressants and they did work for a couple of weeks but I’m back here again.