Regretting Motherhood

[FranC85]

Hello. My name is Fran. I´m a Spanish bloke in my 40s.
My wife used to be a birthstriker. I don´t really know how involved she was in the movement, but at one point in her life she certainly rejected the idea of having children because of the climate crisis. When she moved to Madrid after Covid and we met, I told her about my strong desire to become a dad. So I figured our relationship just wouldn´t last. Couple years later we were married and we had this tacit understanding that we would have kids. We dealt with infertility issues, went through IVF and last year we welcomed our precious baby daughter.
Now, my wife loves her to death, but it seems as though she feels like a traitor, like she has betrayed everything she once believed in. She hasn´t articulated it, but I can sense she resents me for having pushed her into motherhood. As you can imagine, our marriage is under an almost unbearable strain. I also doubt myself, obviously. I thought we were undertaking parenthood by consent, but maybe I forced her. Maybe I was a tyrant and now my relatinship to her, and to our baby, will remain forever tainted.
Any attempt I make to discuss the situation is met with silence. It´s too raw, I guess, but I feel terrible being unable to understand her what she is going through, how to reach her. So, any woman here who has experienced something similar? Someone who pledged not to have kids, then became a mother and had to navigate all the complicated feelings involved? It would be a great help to have someone to chat to.
Thank you.

What makes you think you were a tyrant and why did she agree to have a kid when she never wanted one?

What can I say? My assumption was she agreed because she´d changed her mind. Because maybe birthstriking was a phase and when she was nearing forty she thought the potential regret of foregoing motherhood would come back to haunt her. I don´t know. I didn´t give it that much thought at the time. She was willing to have a baby with me and it didn´t occur to me to question her about it. I was just elated she had reversed her stance.
I´m only entertaining the possibility of having being a tyrant seeing now how she seems tortured about having become a mother. I honestly don´t think I was pushy. I was assertive, yes, but I never put a gun to her head, if you allow me the grim metaphor. But I may be justifying myself. She certainly seems to resent me, as I´ve said. When I saw myself through her eyes I used to see a loving, respected man, now there´s a villain. So I doubt my perception. I doubt her perception. This is an existential crisis.

"I don´t really know how involved she was in the movement"
"we had this tacit understanding that we would have kids."
"She hasn´t articulated it, but I can sense she resents me "
"Any attempt I make to discuss the situation is met with silence"
"My assumption was"
"it didn´t occur to me to question her about it"
"seems to resent me"

So many assumptions, unasked questions and 'understandings' based on nothing.

Have you conducted your entire relationship without ever having a proper conversation about anything?

Do you help equally with childcare and housework?

Problem is, I´m not a confident person. I don´t deal in absolutes. I´m never certain about anything. Of course we had conversations, and what I took from them was that we were in sync. Now that we clearly aren´t, I wonder whether I have been wrong all along. Maybe I was right and I´m blowing everything out of proportion. This is uncharted territory for me and my epistemological insecurities. That´s why I want to know what other former birthstrikers may have gone through when they became mothers. To better understand.
As for my help in childcare, you´ll be glad to know that I am indeed a very involved and devoted father. And I more than pull my weight in the housework department too. Cooking is my forte. My oven baked turbot is to die for. You can take my word if only on this.