Regretting 3rd baby

[polly613]

Please be kind. I’m struggling.

I had my 3rd baby a couple of weeks ago. My other kids are 9&6.

I nagged my Husband for another baby. He didn’t want one, but gave in. Once he said yes, my instinct was ‘shit, I’m not sure I want this’, but as I’d nagged so much I felt like deep down it must’ve been what I wanted. I felt disconnected the whole pregnancy and wasn’t sure it’s what I wanted.

I had a terrible pregnancy and was really ill throughout. I also spent the whole time thinking either I was going to die or the baby wasn’t going to make it. I would’ve bet my house that I wouldn’t walk out of that hospital with a baby.

Anyway, she was born and she’s obviously wonderful, but I’d forgotten how hard it is and I didn’t realise how easy my life had become now that my other kids are that little bit older.

I’m racked with guilt that I’m not spending as much time with my older 2 kids atm. Husband is having to put them to bed every night as I’m feeding the baby (which is also going horrifically).

I feel really down, partly because my eldest 2 are so close in age and they have the same hobbies. The baby is so much younger that they will never attend swimming lessons or gymnastic classes etc together. I also knew loads of people who had babies at the same time with my other 2, so I had loads of people to meet up with.

I don’t know anyone this time round. I feel like I’m going to be on my own.

I can’t drive atm due to c section and I just feel like
Im stuck in the house/walking around the estate with the pram etc. Feel like my independence has gone.

We went to the shops the other day and the baby started crying as we were walking around and I was hit with huge anxiety trying to get around the shop quickly in case baby went absolutely mental. I haven’t felt that way in years as obviously I’m well out of that stage with the kids. I know I’m going to be scared to take the baby to cafe’s etc.

I just didn’t realise how good I had it. My 2 eldest kids are fab, really well behaved and you can reason with them and now I’ve got this tiny baby who just cries, wakes up all night and shits about 400 times a day.

I’m starting to feel like I’ve made a huge mistake and I should’ve appreciated what I had. I know I’ve got around 4 difficult years ahead before it gets easier.

Has anyone else felt this way? I don’t know if I’m depressed or just baby blues.

Apologies for length of post!

Oh you poor thing. This could be baby blues, or it could be a bit more than that. It could also be you're just having a really tough time right now and it all feels hard, and in a couple of weeks you'll be physically fitter and have a better grip on the feeding and life will be a bit more open to you again.
A lot of what you have said it true - your youngest won't have the same interests or activities and will be more of an only child. You do have a tough few years ahead of you. But you also get to do all of the brilliant things again that your oldest have outgrown - the totally unabashed smiles of delight just because you've walked into a room, the first time they have a go at making a joke, how they doze off snuggled against you because you are what makes them feels safest of all. There are so many good times to come.

I really feel for you. At the moment it’s all so different but it will settle down and become your new normal. Things will slot into place. Speak to your health visitor.

I understand your concerns about the hard work, feeling more isolated this time, etc. But I also think that at a couple weeks postpartum you haven’t yet fully appreciated how amazing and precious these early years are. The newborn stage is a bit thankless, really – long nights, constant feeding, so many nappies, but without the reward of a smile or your baby looking at you like you’re their world (because you are). Add the crazy hormone crash and PND/PNA! I felt disconnected from DS2 during the pregnancy and first couple months postpartum. I also wondered if another baby was a good idea and felt so guilty towards DS2, DS1 and myself for not being more present and happy. But that love and connection grew and I am soo happy he is here. He is absolutely perfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You’re only a couple weeks postpartum, that is so hard and you’re bound to feel more emotional and down. Be kind to yourself and take it day by day. One day it will be easier again and you won’t be able to imagine a life without DC3.

Hi op, how are you feeling now? I could have written your post. My third baby is now 8 months, I had her when my older 2 were 9 and 7, after convincing my husband! I knew it was going to be hard starting over and losing my freedom, but I completely underestimated how hard. I agonised about the decision to have another for years as all the sensible reasons said stop at 2, but I just couldn't get over the longing for another. I loved being a mum and even though it was hard having a baby and toddler I longed to do it again. My husband was less keen but when he turned round and said we should go for it, although I had doubts (it was almost because he said he didn't want more I could be more sure I did as it was only hypothetical) I thought the fact the broodiness hadn't gone away for 4 years that was good enough reason not to doubt it.

The loss of freedom has hit so hard. I miss my older children. Of course I am always with them, more so in a way as on mat leave, but I feel like I can't do any of the fun stuff. Dh is amazing but his life hasn't really had to change. Baby is a terrible sleeper and I'm breastfeeding through the night so I'm exhausted. All of my friends have older children and I can't join in with any of the fun child free events. I even just miss putting the kids to bed and being able to watch tv! I don't know if it's pnd or just regret. I love my baby but if I could turn back time I would 100% make a different decision. Although I guess I only know that now, trying to remind myself that if I didn't have another then I would probably still be wishing that I did! In hindsight I think it was hormones and nostalgia for my children getting older that made me so desperate to have another. I think the age gap is the hardest as I got used to having my freedom, it just feels so relentless now and my quality of life is so much worse. Sorry that was longer than intended!

My third baby is now 16 ( older kids 21 and 22) , I had the same heart sinking feeling but she is a joy and is so funny. She gets on well with her sisters ( individually). I do not regret a thing ( but I did at the time).

It’s very early days OP! I had an age-gap too and it is a quite a lifestyle lurch even though you know babies are hard work.

My youngest is now 6 and honesty it’s still not easy (your eldest will want to be off adventuring which is hard when there is still a little kid in tow) but we make family compromises and youngest gets to do lots of cool stuff at a young age like longer haul holidays. The love between my older and youngest kids is absolutely gorgeous - we are past the bickering stage and now they just have so much fun and lots of cuddles and constantly telling each other they are the best brother/sister.

So - worth waiting for those easier days. They will come! Eventually.

Sorry I feel like I'm hijacking the thread a bit, but just wanted to say thanks to @unhappybutunsureofwork and @MrsStickMan as that is very encouraging. I just feel so stupid for getting myself in this situation. I want to go back and shake my former self - I had such a nice quality of life and was genuinely very happy, I knew it would be hard going back but completely minimised that and thought the pros would outweigh the cons. I am mourning my old life so much and can't help looking at my older children and wishing it was just them again. I love my baby and feel like the world's worst mother for wishing I didn't have her- it's not her fault and she deserves so much better. I can't see how I won't always regret going for a third. I wish I could make peace with my decision, it's encouraging that you no longer regret having your third @unhappybutunsureofwork can I ask when it got better for you?

It’s hard mamma , soon enough the routine takes over and it’s like they just slot right in and always meant to be ! X

@polly613 how are you feeling now? Any better?

Hi! Just want to say I’m here now too. Although a bit different - I have a 7 year old and we had secondary infertility. Just had number 2 and it’s hit me like a bus. Also resonate with missing my older child a lot. I feel like I spend time with her knowing that soon I will be back with the baby and it’s all so timed. I am glad I have her as I wanted her for years and years. But also with hindsight things would have been just fine with one. I hope I feel differently soon