I don’t really know why I’m posting this here. I think I’m mostly just feeling so confused and lost that any advice or acknowledgment at all would provide some comfort.
I’m 29 and had my first baby 8 months ago. I moved back home to Staffordshire with my partner after living in Manchester for 10 years, we wanted to be closer to family. I am diagnosed with ADHD and was on meds before pregnancy, I wanted to start trying to take them again after giving birth, since May I’ve tried to take them 3 times but they don’t seem to work like they used to. They make me feel unhinged and anxious and I get all these weird side effects so I stop taking them again.
To my knowledge, when I stop taking the meds I think I eventually start feeling somewhat okay again, but I can’t even tell anymore, something obviously triggers me to try taking them again, so I can’t feel that great. When I look back on the last 8 months, I can recall several times I’ve felt a lot of despair and sadness but then I feel like I’ve somehow always pulled myself out of it.
Currently, I feel like I feel the worst I’ve ever felt. I can’t stop crying. I just feel emptiness. I feel like nothing matters. I don’t want to see or speak to anyone, I feel so guilty on my baby like he deserves better and my partner. I feel like there’s no point in trying anymore.
I have a hobby that I love which is climbing and about 5 months PP I started it again but my desire to do it fluctuates and as of now I can’t see any point. I have been to regular baby classes, gotten into quite good routines… and then somehow it just falls apart again and I wind up feeling like this.
I’m so desperately confused, I really don’t know what’s going on and I feel so scared and alone.