Those who have had postnatal depression, how do you look back at that time?

[MumNo2]

I was diagnosed with PND and anxiety shortly after the birth of my second 3 weeks ago. I'm getting help for it with medication and therapy, but I'm a long way off from being healthy. It will probably take months if not longer. I'm worried that I'll Spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for spending this special postnatal time in depression.

For those who have had PND, how do you reflect and remember it now? How do you feel thinking about that time with your newborn?

With sadness that other people didn’t recognise or step up to help me. And gladness that DCs were safe and happy in a nursery that loved them and they loved. And lucky I had a job I could go to that got me back.

The HV told me I was generally a low mood person so no treatment for PND.
Kids are adults now and I feel sad that I didn't enjoy the baby years more.
I was just struggling along and trying to be perfect.

I look back with sadness that I had no support and such a hideous time. I felt guilty for a long time but don't any more, because I don't deserve to. I hope your treatment works well and wish you well with your dc. Don't beat yourself up for being ill. Congratulate yourself for carrying on being a mother in spite of being ill. It's fucking hard.

My mum left when I was 3 and from what little I remember and from my own experience she clearly had awful PND but things were so different then.

I was v lucky as 18 years ago my NHS Trust gave me 3 months of 1-1 CBT with a clinical psychologist that worked amazingly, no way would that be available now.

Above all be kind to yourself, the newborn days are a blur for many due to their nature and sleep deprivation and it’s really a case of survival. The older the kids have got the happier as a mum I’ve been, so don’t worry about feeling guilty now.

Sadness/regret/huge guilt.
I feel like I couldn't enjoy him when he was tiny.
Logically I realise it wasn't my fault but that doesn't make it any better to be honest

The most difficult part was the lack of support and understanding. I had it twice. First time it was PND (depression) second time it was PNA (anxiety). First time I had a different GP who was terrible and had no time for it. I was a complete wreck, had no idea what was happening to me and was so so worried about explaining how I felt to the Gp that I nearly wheeled my baby in his pram into the disabled toilet and wanted to walk out. No-one was supporting me. I had written some points down because I didn’t think I could speak. When I tried to explain what was happening and the obvious state I was in, she took a phone call right in the middle of me trying to talk and in a complete mental mess. She didn’t say much but wrote out a prescription for anti-depressants and just handed to me. I refused to take them because I had read about side affects and was worried it would make me worse. It was a couple of weeks before a lovely health worker checked in to see me at home and she very gently listened and helped me understand how the meds would really help. So, I started them and after about 6 weeks it really did make a difference.
The second episode, I had a new Gp who knew the second I sat down in his office what was wrong and set me up straight away with the correct meds and was very reassuring. It was a nightmare journey and I can only hope that my kids were not really aware of any of it because they were only babies at the time.

Guilt. I was crying out for help. I begged people around me to help me but nobody did. Not even DH. I became very isolated but somehow managed to parent.

in hindsight I should have had therapy. But it wasn’t freely available back then. But today it is - and it’s helping me process it all.

DH is also very regretful but we’ve both had therapy and are so close now. We healed and grew.

I even told the HV and GP I was incredibly low, felt hopeless and felt “disassociated” with real life - they both recommended I joined baby classes to “help”. I am amazed I am still here tbh 💐

Hope you’re ok OP. My DS is now a lovely compassionate kid. I’m so proud. We talk openly about mental health but nobody knows the true extent of my PND. xx

I wish I could go back and give my past self a big hug and tell her all about what a wonderful 11 year old that little baby has grown up to be. I would tell her that she is a good mum and that things will get better.

I feel sadness as I feel PND has robbed me of memories of the first year with DS1. I sought help more quickly with DS2 because I knew what I was dealing with.

I also feel anger at the HCP who were at my son's birth, my midwife especially treated me like shit because I was a young mum. I'm sure they contributed to my poor MH after birth.

Honestly, I feel really sorry for the person I was then - the person who thought her life was over, the person who couldn't feel any joy at her beautiful new baby, the person who meticulously planned her suicide to make it look like an accident.

I really want to give that person a massive hug and reassure her that she will in time feel more joy and love than she ever thought possible.

I don't feel guiltly, tbh, as it's not like I willingly decided to be that miserable - my brain just went a bit haywire on me for a few months, despite my best intentions. And my daughter is a fantastic little girl who somehow still thinks I'm the bees' knees.

I thought I was going mad, why didn't I feel this overwhelming love and connection with my baby, why was I crying all the time and why didn't the doctors listen to me. Took me three months until I got put on medication, which thank goodness started working quite quickly and started to feel more normal so I could enjoy being a mum.

I do feel it completely ruined those first months with my DD though, and I felt such guilt for so long and put me off having anymore children. Our DD is 13 now and I think back to those months and feels a bit like a bad dream I went through.

I would feel sad that I didn’t get the help I needed. But also know that the kids grew up very happy and it didn’t impact them at all x

I feel sadness for the new mum who was robbed of the first few months of her baby’s life, and regret that I didn’t realise what it was until I was emerging. I look back with some fondness now, because I know what’s to come was better and that I made it through. I am incredibly lucky that I got to experience the wonder of the first few months without PND the second time round, but also guilt that I bonded much easier with my second and that my bond with DD1 might never quite be the same because of the PND.

Wishing you all the very best that you are on the mend soon OP.

Exactly this, to the extent of planning my suicide too.

With sadness and shame. I wish I could have treated myself with the compassion I would give any friend in this situation.

Sadness, if I take the time to think of it. But acceptance now. We all have highs and lows in life and I accept that newborns were a low point for me, I didn't cope, I mentally struggled, but we got through it. I have 2 happy and healthy children who I have enjoyed raising most of the time.

I am jealous of those who love those early years, but then I reflect on how much I am enjoying the teen years and know lots of parents struggle at this stage, not many people get an easy ride the whole time, the key to remember is that this time will pass, that's a good and bad thing I guess, but I promise you, you'll have lots of enjoyable times to come, this stage doesn't define your parenting journey, nor you as a mother.

A real mixture.

I still feel a bit scared at how sudden and severe my change in mental health was. I had anxiety and panic in pregnancy, anxiety and PND postnatally which eventually was found to be linked to PTSD from my tricky childhood. It escalated into seeing distressing images, scary thoughts and massive shame about who I am.

Grateful that I got excellent support from the perinatal mental health team and was fortunate to have private medical insurance to get therapy. While the NHS midwife team were rubbish at asking how I really was and brushed things away, I am glad I got the help needed eventually. Also thankful I made a lot of friends with babies and they were amazing companionship. Got me out the house and stopped things being even worse. Time with these friends is my favourite memory of the early days.

Sad that the very early days in particular were a whirlwind of panic, fear and distress. There were joyful moments but mixed in with so many difficult conversations and frustration that I wasn't ok.

Proud that I got help and took the steps I did to get to a better place. Proud that I kept going in some dark moments and of my DD who we created. Proud I managed to work hard in therapy and got to a point I could enjoy my baby.