I became a mother and have a 16 month old beautiful daughter. I had a traumatic birth which resulted in an emergency C section. I have always been afraid of C section so I never wanted to even think about the idea of cutting me open. I suffered from severe postpartum depression/anxiety. Hospitals stressed me out so every now and then after giving birth I was at the hospital. I suffered from blood pressure that was so high that could have killed me. I suffered from post-partum pre eclampsia, digestive issues, hemmorroids. I would have immense unbearable pain in my stomach which took time to get better. One day I woke up from intense stomach pain that I had to go to the doctor to get a blood test taken and I found out I now have a life long health condition now. My thyroid levels were way out of normal range, I was suffering from weight gain, hairloss due to hypothyroidism. Some days I thought i might have cancer, i might die. Long story short I went through so much after giving birth. I was fit and healthy before giving birth, had a perfect job and was happy.
Till this date I am still traumatised that I don’t want to give birth to another child. My family say that I should be grateful because I live with my husband’s family otherwise I wouldn’t be able to raise my child.
First of all my mother pressurised me to have a child even though deep down I wasn’t ready for it. My husband wasn’t either but my mother convinced me that I have my husband’s family support. When the child came into my life, I have noticed that I was having alot more arguments with my husband. I am disrespected and called an irresponsible, bad mother. Having a mother in law is so much to bear but having a sister in law also living with us makes life harder in my opinion no matter how nice they are. My husband’s sister is single and lives with us and she is 6 years older than me. I feel jealous that she has a life unlike me who stays at home all the time, staying up at night as my child is a bad sleeper. She goes out whenever she wants to, she has friends, she travels, gets to sleep and goes to work. Whenever she wants to spend time with my child, she can and I couldn’t say no. How can I stop feeling jealous? She lives with us so everytime I see her my blood boils. It feels like my husband’s family are taking up my space. My child is the first grandchild and so I am alone going through this experience. My husband’s sister tries to get close to my child and it feels like she wants to become a mother to my child. I hate it but I couldn’t make her stay away from her. If someone does something for my child out of love, I don’t force them to take care of my child as I should be the one. But then whenever there is an argument, I am called a bad mother and my husband’s family take all the credit for taking care of my child. For me staying up at night is really hard and almost every night I suffer mentally while everyone else is sleeping peacefully. Everyone is ready to criticise my parenting. Everyone thinks I couldn’t do anything for my child even though I do as much as I can. As a woman, I feel like I have lost my independence, my freedom and I feel worthless. I have been made to feel guilty that I am a bad mother, no one ever said anything positive, they never took my mental health seriously and think I am being dramatic including my husband and my mother. I just never felt appreciated.