I don't really know how to navigate my feelings. I probably need to go to the doctor but I am trying to work up the courage. I haven't been quite right for about 5 months now (dd is 7 months). I seem to be able to get through the day with bf, washings, cooking and spending time with my children. When I plan a nice day out I feel absolutely fine.
But I also seem to have become such a spiteful and bitter person. Some of this is definitely connected to childhood trauma and abuse but it is as if it has spiralled recently. I am so very angry inside. I never shout or hit or throw things but there is a constant rage inside me. I feel contempt and anger towards my husband and I don't know why. He literally does everything for us. He does his fair share of housework and takes older kid to clubs etc but I can't shake this feeling of hatred. He leaves the house and I think about him being in an accident and I feel some weird feeling like I would so be able to cope on my own. But I don't know why I think this. I don't even want to cope alone.
I feel bitter towards my in laws. I have been fixated on how they don't visit enough or do enough for us. It is true that they don't really do anything and part of it is that I have no immediate family myself and when I meet with other mums I see the help they have from their mums or other family and I am so very jealous because I just feel utterly alone. I feel everyday is a physical struggle to manage two little kids.
But I have become spiteful. I pick fault with everything and everyone. Even if it's just in my head. I can't seem to see the good in anyone anymore (apart from my children) and it is wearing me down. I don't mean to be or want to be like this. It just seems like something annoys me and it seems justified and then I fixate on it and it spirals to the point where I get so angry. I have started really distancing myself from my in laws where I used to visit every week or so. I want my children to feel loved by their family but I think I am now becoming a barrier to them building meaningful relationships with their family because of my anger. I.e. I no longer visit them or encourage visits so my son doesn't see his grandparents etc. I also feel irrationally annoyed when anyone touches my daughter. I don't understand how anyone can ever let other people be close to their children and I don't know why I feel like this because ultimately I do want my children to lead full lives where they feel loved by lots of people. Recently my bitterness / spitefulness has caused me to tell my DH that "they should be nice to me because I decide who my children see". It felt like someone else was speaking as this is so far removed from the positive relationships I have tried to get into their lives.
When I have looked up ppd etc it seems like there is a feeling of hatred towards the child or wanting to harm the child but I don't feel this at all. I tell me oldest how proud I am. I think he is beautiful and perfect. I love my baby so so much and I do lots for them bother. It's just this negative view I have of others now.
Sorry it's long!