What makes a good mum?

[Chatterbox25]

What makes a good mum? How do you know you’re a good mum? I really want to be a good mum. I’m a mum of 2- an 8 month old and a 2 year old. I’m absolutely riddled with guilt, worry (possibly anxiety) and self doubt. It’s making me feel quite down and I think at this stage it’s safe to say depressed?

If you’re a good mum do people tell you you’re a good mum is that how you know? Do you feel satisfaction after a long day like you achieved something to be proud of that day? Do you wake up looking forward to the day ahead? Because none of the above are true for me. I want so very much to be a good mum but I can’t seem to shake these feelings of guilt, worry and sadness.

I wake up exhausted and dreading the day. (Now my 8 month old doesn’t sleep through the night and is teething at the minute so could be up multiple times in the night sometimes for an hour or more at a time so I am sleep deprived so that doesn’t help the morning situation.) I feel like I go through the motions all day long trying my best to do the right things and say the right things and do whatever it takes to get through the day but I get no enjoyment out of any of it, I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job, how could I possibly do a good job when I’m spending all my time in my head worrying and feeling guilty. I get to the end of the day -both kids asleep, and let out a sigh of relief it’s over but also feel like breaking down in tears because it’s another day wasted, a day I’ll never get back with my children who I love so so much, another day of being a rubbish mum. I do whatever needs to be done- washing, tidying etc. possibly sit and have a cup of tea with my husband and we go to bed and I lie there and I feel so sad and guilty and try to sleep between wakings and then it’s repeat again the next day. What do I need to do or be to feel like a good mum? I just want to enjoy my children and be a good mum and not constantly feel so guilty and worried and sad?

I live close by to family and friends, I have a supportive husband, I don’t do nights on my own he helps, I have a childminder 2 days per week for the toddler and I only do 7am-1:30pm alone Monday to Friday and then I visit my mum for the afternoon- it’s not that I’m completely alone, I have loads of help and support I’m just feeling very weighed down and overwhelmed with guilt and worry that it’s making me feel very sad and alone.

Hey - it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. But long days with little children can be relentless. Reach out to your health visitor or GP , they will be able to help. You've done the hardest part which is reaching out here - you're not alone 💖

i think the fact you’re worrying about this makes you a good mum, so many parents aren’t bothered, not to say that they’re the benchmark but I think it proves a point. It feels like a mumsnet cliche, but it might be worth trying some talking therapies as you have mentioned you are struggling with your mental health. You babies are still little and I know plenty of people who haven’t enjoyed the first few years, also with a small age gap and teething troubles etc it’s bound to feel really tough some days, I don’t have any other practical advice, but do want to add please don’t be so hard on yourself, your babies are fed, clean and loved and that’s a great start

I have children with the same age gap and have all the same worries you have. I feel like I can’t wait for 5pm some nights as it’s dinner, bath and bed and I can drag dinner out. I feel guilty about that but sometimes I crave time alone. I also have a supportive dh and very involved parents so very lucky.

What you’re feeling is normal, it sounds like you’re burnt out and need some time to yourself. I know that’s what I want deeply. Can you get a break with dh staying at home? You could go for a coffee or catch up with friends?

Someone once said to me that if you’re exhausted but thinking of how to improve then you’re already a great mum as you’re always trying your best and want to be better. Not everyday is going to be great, some days feel longer than the others and that’s okay.

Glad to hear I’m not the only one not enjoying every minute like instagram leads us to believe everyone else is. Thank you @Lifeofmiley30

@Lostworlds alone time is exactly what I would love. I do get some alone time but it always feels rushed and I generally feel guilty about it. I’ll make more of an effort to do some things alone and maybe some mindfulness. Can totally relate to the looking forward to 5pm. Thank you ❤️

It sounds like you are a great mum! You spend your time thinking about what's best for your children and doing your best for them.

Children under 5 are really hard work - and you have 2 of them! It's exhausting as you can never get second to yourself.

Don't feel guilty about having some alone time - think of it as recharging your batteries so you're ready for the next round. It also gives your husband/family the chance to spend time with your kids on their own.

That’s actually a great way of looking at it @csiaddict. Kids will benefit in so many way from that too. Thank you