Hi all, this is my first post on here so I apologise if something isn't quite right. I had my beautiful baby Girl in June, she is almost 6 months and the most beautiful little blessing, however I feel such overwhelming feelings of sadness and hopelessness sometimes and I feel completely confused and guilty for the way I am feeling, do I have PND? ):
A little about my back story. Before our baby girl arrived I suffered two miscarriages in a very short space of time. The first one we found out there was no heartbeat at a 14 week scan and I had to have a D&C to remove. The second one happened just a couple of months later and was a spontaneous miscarriage at around 9 weeks. I was absolutely heartbroken. About 4 months later we found out I was pregnant again but started spotting around 6 weeks so had to be taken to a early pregnancy clinic where they gave us the most incredible news that there was still a heartbeat and everything seemed perfect on the scan but they put me on progesterone pesseries as a precaution, cut a long story short the pregnancy was a very worrying and anxious time for me, that being said I enjoyed every moment of being pregnant I felt so incredibly grateful and blessed to be carrying this little baby and I loved every second of the pregnancy and carrying her (minus the anxiety I had which did get better later on) I was so excited and overjoyed and never thought I would feel this way. However since having her I have felt so sad, angry, upset, hopeless and I feel like I am struggling to cope. I am not going to lie i found the newborn stage incredibly difficult, in fact it completely knocked me off my feet as I was not expecting it to be as hard as it was.
She brings me so much happiness and joy and her face makes my heart burst, I am so proud of her but I also can not get over these negative feelings that I have, I cry a lot, I feel angry (not at her) but just at life and I feel such tremendous guilt because In reality i should be over the moon and happy, blessed and happier than I ever was? So why am I feeling this way? It has really knocked me and my confidence. It has made me feel like I am not a good mum, and that my little girl deserves better than me. My husband tells me all the time that I am an incredible mum and he is very supportive but I just can't get my head around these feelings and i really feel like I am struggling, I thought it would have gotten better by now but it hasn't. I feel too ashamed to ask for help by a Dr as I don't want to be put on medication and I don't feel my HV will really help, I don't want to feel judged or made to feel even worse than I do. I just feel like I am stuck and like I'm never going to feel better. I want to feel all the positive emotions and get so envious of others around me that seem to be smashing motherhood all while I am feeling like I'm struggling so much with it. I don't really know what I am asking for to be honest, I guess whether anyone has a similar story and did it get better? Or any advice
(sorry for the incredibly long post)