Can't cope without sleep

[PlumZebra]

I can't cope without sleep any more... It's making me so down and I just end up crying all the time. I should never have become a mum, I'm terrible at it but I'm here now and I can't take it back.

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope without sleep?

(I've tried all the practical solutions already - HV says baby's sleep won't improve, mh team say my MH is fine and won't help, baby won't let anyone else settle him day or night. I'm 11 months in on 3-5hrs)

Do you have a partner/co-parent?

You need to do some sleep training. What have you already tried?

what is babies sleep pattern? It’s normal for babies to wake in the night but at 11 months they should be learning to self settle if not doing it already. What is baby’s dad doing to help?

You mentioned nobody else can settle him, this implies that you do have other people such as family or partner? If possible they need to help more. Can they have him so you can get a couple of lie ins a week? I am very surprised your hv has been so dismissive, but it could be his sleep patterns are age appropriate. Some of us cope with disturbed sleep better than others. By that I mean some people are able to resettle baby and go straight back to sleep while others take much longer so overall don't get as many hours.
As for coping on less sleep, fresh air and natural daylight will help you feel more alert.

What is the baby's schedule? Is he ebf or formula fed? How many times does he wake up at night? What about during the day?

OP of course you're not terrible at being a mum, I had the same with mine. The first year of his life was the worst year of my life. Things will improve but I know that doesn't make you feel better because it didn't make me feel better at the time either.

The thing is OP when you have such an absolutely miserable time in the first year or so nothing else ever seems any where near as bad - terrible two's? tweenager? teenager? - I could manage all those stages because I'd had sleep!

My advice for now is, go to bed at 7pm, eat as healthily as you can because you need the energy and nutrients and make sure your OH takes the baby out in the car or something so you can get some sleep for a bit at the weekend.

Thanks for your message. Yes I have a husband and he's absolutely doing his best, taking on more of the house stuff but my baby won't let him or anyone else settle him for naps or night wakes

I've tried the disappearing chair method but he cried the second he was in the cot for 20 minutes (when I gave up), despite me doing everything to calm him.
I've tried the pick up and put down method, he cried every time I put him down until he cried himself to sleep in my arms. Both of these just felt like crying it out (and I mean screaming hysterically not fussing) but with me in the room and I'm just not willing to let him cry for hours.

I'm currently trying habit stacking and very slowly reducing the amount of rocking but he's getting really upset with that. It took 5 months to transition from feeding to rocking so I have no expectations on this working anytime soon.

You need to literally go to bed as soon as he does

7pm or whatever

but with me in the room and I'm just not willing to let him cry for hours

^

You do you, but it probably wouldn't be hours

Pop back in the room and say shush, shush, then slowly retreat

After three night's he'd probably sleep through

Will you consider co sleeping? I was very much against it as didn’t want bad habits, child in my bed, etc, but having a non sleeper (and now a second who is also a non sleeper!) I was losing my mind and it saved my sanity in the end. We didn’t sleep together every night, just on the really bad nights, and being close to me helped him to sleep so much better.

Can you afford a sleep trainer? If so hire one in. They come for a few nights to train the baby!

Totally agree with everything this person has said. Mine was the same.
She's now 2, In her own bed and in her own room and sleeps through.
I didn't enjoy the first year. How could I? My baby woke every hour, I tried everything.
I co slept, it was still grim but I got little bouts of sleep. My partner worked away as well.
I then went back to work and had to go on the sick before dropping my days. It was a hard time but we are out of the storm now.
You are not a terrible mum. When you come out of this funk you will realise how much sleep impacts your mood.
Lean on as many people as you can x

It's really difficult when you have one like that.

Your baby will settle for other people, not easily, but they will. If you left/went to prison/went to hospital/went back to work your baby wouldn't die of sleep deprivation they'd allow themselves to be comforted by someone else. Give your baby and partner the space to work this out between them. Your baby WILL settle for his dad eventually. You just need to make yourself scarce so they have space to do it.

If you can afford a sleep trainer, get one. If not pick a training method that suits your philosophy and follow it through. Not giving up after 20 mins is the only way it will work though. It has to be consistent.

Thanks for all the messages, really appreciated. I've given it some proper thought and I was really struggling with pms last week which didn't help my mood, plus while moving him to his own room hasn't affected wake ups, I'm finding it much harder to go back sleep after. I'll definitely make a priority to eat healthily and get fresh air. I went to sleep after his first wake up tonight so got a continuous 3 hours which was lovely.

To answer the other questions, he wakes 7-10x per night (down from 15-20x in the summer so progress!). If my husband gets up with him in the night, he screams for 30+ mins or until I take him so we all get more sleep if I just do it from the start

Maybe I do have to sleep train 😢 I don't want to do it alongside starting nursery next week but if it's still bad in January I'll do some research and see if there's an alternative method which reduces the crying. I just hate seeing him so inconsolably upset in his cot when I can fix it by taking him out and cuddling him.

Hopefully something clicks soon and thanks for the advice 🙂 xx

My DD would take forever to go to sleep when she was about your baby's age. In the end we decided on the disappearing chair method. She cried for about 2 hours with me there next to her, soothing her, and the next night for DH it was maybe 20 mins, and after that she has been perfectly good at going to sleep. Admittedly we often stay in her room and sing to her for a few mins to get her to sleep, but it's quite sweet!

And then, because we had done the disappearing chair thing, she was much better about soothing herself to sleep if she'd just randomly woken in the night (obviously if she needed nappy changing or whatever she would stay awake).

I know there's so much advice about sleep out there, but if you want mine, it's to persevere with disappearing chair. The first night is awful but it gets much better fast. 💐

Not sleep training but will he settle if you put his bed in your room next to you so he can see you? Or get a mattress in his room on the floor and you just sleep in with him when unsettled. I had a baby like this and tbh just him knowing I can easily sleep next to him I think helped, I used to just go into his room when he was upset and lie on the mattress, he would then copy me and lie down in his cot and stare at me whilst falling back asleep, in the end I used to just think sod it I'll stay asleep here rather than getting disturbed again..when he was older around about 18 months or so, we had more success doing 2 mins, 4 mins sleep training but even now at 5 years he has to have bedroom door open so he can our room. I've done alot of co sleeping with him just to get more sleep. Also when he is at nursery take some time off work and sleep for 5/6 hours. It's not nighttime sleep but it does help to just have a day every so often to sleep. Or get partner to take him out for a day on a weekend so you can get a decent chunk of sleep. 💐

Hi,

I refused to sleep train my first two. I suffered through and my mental health took a beating.

My third baby, it just had to be done. You have to look at the health and wellbeing of your whole family.

I understand why people don't like sleep training, but fuck me, I wish that people showed a tenth of that compassion for mothers.

You'll be a better mother if you can sleep and function during the day.

My third baby took to sleep training. Was immediately happier, more settled, suddenly ploughing through milestones. She had been sleep deprived as well.

If you need to sleep train do it and don't feel guilty.