Struggling lone parent

[Cindy97]

I posted a few weeks ago about my SO leaving me whilst I was 8 months pregnant, well DD arrived 37+1 and we're 9 days into her being here now.

A bit of backstory, my waters were PPROM for 13 days before they called me in for induction, they said limited chance of DD requiring lung assistance so didn't give me steroid injections, said she'd be okay. Induction was backlogged so I eventually went into labour naturally, very quickly and DD shot out, possibly unable to empty her lungs of fluid adequately? Not sure, the DRs complicate things and my head is in the clouds.

DD couldn't maintain oxygen levels or temp, taken to the NICU 1 hour after birth, I'm a mess at this point, cannulas and tubes everywhere on DD, feeling so alone, guilty and helpless. Struggling PP, not knowing if she'd be okay.
DD then discharged, Midwife visited next day and said her breathing was recessive, admitted back to NICU for collapsed lung and infection.

We got home 3 days ago, DD seems okay but I'm on edge, don't want to sleep, can't remember the last time I ate,

My family are around and a big help, but I don't like relying on everyone and I'm repeatedly told "you have to get used to it at some point", struggling with knowing her dad is tucked up in bed somewhere at 3am whilst I'm settling our daughter, he still denies paternity and his mum is going to order a DNA test, she's on my side and has seen DD but the whole of that family are against me and DD, thinks his decision to be an absent father should be respected etc.

Mental I'm drained, crying all the time that I'm not good enough, wondering why I'm left alone to look after this darling little girl who has done no wrong. Am I enough for her? Why does he get to live life as usual, not having the worry of her in NICU, sobbing his heart out?

All bills are past due, declined maternity grant because I haven't received a UC payment yet. I'm brassic.

I'm trying my best to breastfeed but I'm out everyday just trying to get outside, it feels less lonely out there and I'm distracted. I can't pump 2 hourly out the house, it ends up being once a day and I feel guilty that I'm not doing all I can for my daughter.

My skin doesnt feel real from the weight I've lost, my self care in the form of eating and drinking has taken a fall, I have a few biscuits a days to make sure I don't faint.

I'm a shell, DD doesn't sleep at night, I'm exhausted. These are definitely the newborn trenches.

I'm not sure what I'm asking.

Does it ever get better? Has anyone been in the same boat? I've looked for local support groups for single parents but there's nothing around.

I know this is a bit late but I really hope that you are okay and starting to feel better. It does get better. There are always problems but it will get better for you x

Oh I do hope you are doing OK too xx it does get better, it feels hard because it is hard. Take each day as it comes. And accept help, all help, along the way

It can be hard to hear, but you are doing amazing - the fact you are worrying about being enough, wanting to do the best by your daughter, and the fact you are showing up for her every day demonstrates how much you love her and what a great mum you are.

The trenches are hard at the best of times, let alone with your relationship breakup, struggles pre birth and then your little one needing extra care - so don't compare yourself to anyone else or to how you think you should be doing or feeling. Take it day by day and do what you can... It's going to be hard, but there's also so many beautiful wonderful days coming.

One day you will look back in disbelief that you got through this- that it was this difficult and you survived. You may not know how you'll do that yet, but you will, because that love you have for your daughter is stronger and bigger than anything else. And she will see that in you too.

Don't give up. We are rooting for you xx