When does it get easier?

[AWilliams24]

Hi everyone, I’m sorry for how long this is.
I wasn’t quite sure what topic to put this under as I guess it could fall under a few and I haven’t actually been diagnosed with PND.
I’ll try and summarise how I’m feeling, I’m not sure what I’m hoping to achieve from posting this but I guess I just need to voice it.
I’m 10 days PP and I’m really struggling. I feel horrendously guilty about it. We had planned our little girl and I couldn’t have been happier about it, however since she was born I’ve found myself sobbing uncontrollably most/every day. I know this could be baby blues, but I’m just finding being a mum so difficult and I feel terrible at it. In the last couple of days our little one has grown increasingly difficult to settle during the day, as well as ALWAYS being hungry (she has screamed the house down all day today for more feed after drinking 2oz every 1.5 hours. Whereas she had been comfortably drinking 3oz every 3 hours a couple days ago. I physically cannot wind her and I can tell she is uncomfortable. She is crying and squirming in pain and I’m trying everything (coleif and infacol but nothings working). As well as her being generally very difficult, I’m also behind the point of exhaustion and I can’t see how I can do this for much longer (I know this sounds so ridiculous from someone who chose to be a mum, but I guess I just didn’t anticipate feeling this unwell from exhaustion). I have the most amazing partner who is taking on 80% of the load; he will sit up with her when she is screaming and I’m sobbing so hard I need to step away, he’ll take her out so I can breathe, he will send me up for naps multiple times a day (such as right now) despite definitely being sleep deprived himself just because I can’t cope, he is holding down the fort while I feel im slipping into a pit of sadness and guilt and I’m already terrified of him going back to work in 2 weeks. I’m finding myself missing our relationship so much.
All I ever wanted was to be a good mum and I’m failing miserably. I can’t identify what’s wrong with my little girl, I can’t wind her, I can’t settle her and I can’t power through the tough days.

if this is just 10 days, I’m just so scared about how I’ll get through months of this alone and can’t see how things will get better.

You aren't failing at anything!
Newborns are hard work, and nobody told me how hard it would be.
I've never told anyone this in real life but I actually had visions of me throwing my much wanted baby out of the window. I was just so exhausted with a very refluxy baby.
How you are feeling now can be normal "baby blues" so soon after giving birth, but please speak with your health visitor or GP about how you are feeling .

10 days pp is so early, I had read about baby blues and everything said they should end 14 days pp but honestly I felt like this for a month if not longer. I don’t think what you are feeling is abnormal at all and it is easier for men to take on the practical load as they’re not exhausted and recovering from giving birth or dealing with the hormonal changes. Are you still seeing your midwife/health visitor? It’s worth mentioning to them.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.
Have you spoken to your Health Visitor?

Re babies crying - I'd recommend taking her to a cranial osteopath to have some 'adjustments' done - often births lead babies to be a bit tight in their bodies and the osteo can make a massive improvement to their comfort (we had a few sessions).

Also, Google 'baby winding bicycle legs' (if you haven't already) - helps with winding.

My boy cried RELENTLESSLY for 6+ months and it was sooo hard.

You're doing an amazing job, please be kind to yourself. Being a parent is hard! And you and your little girl need some time to get to know each other and understand each other.

Do you have family or close friends nearby who could come and help when your OH goes back to work?

X

Writing this while feeding my 3rd son who has been a huge shock to my system...he's hard work! Best thing to wind a baby in my experience is to lay flat on your back and lay them on their belly on you. Pat and rub, a burp will come up.
Just remember, babies cry! You're not doing anything wrong, they are just hard work.

When I was thrown into motherhood my life turned upside down. I felt no good at it and quite frankly I hated it.

Newborns are take take take. Thank goodness they are not newborns forever and they grow up. Some stages of parenthood you just need to survive and not thrive.

Fast forward almost 6 years I now have 2 children (5 and 2) and I’m thriving not just surviving. Survived severe postnatal depression with my first too 🙂

You’re doing an amazing job. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Things will get better but absolutely no shame in getting help. Antidepressants saved me

This can be triggering.

You are not failing. You can buy all the baby books in the world, you can go to all the parenting classes, and none of these things can prepare you for how difficult and the reality of the newborn phase.

I lost a friend 10 years ago, suicide due to post natal depression. I am so glad people are now open about this and just how serious it can be.

I will tell you about my own experience, I have 4 children, but if someone told me 13 years ago that in 13 years' time I would have 4 children, I would have laughed in their face

My children are 13, 8, 5, and 3

With my first born, she had colic, impossible to settle, and I sobbed (along with her) uncontrollably for months. I hated who I was, I resented my baby, and I didn't find any pleasure in the things I previously enjoyed. My vision...it's hard to explain, but my vision lost colour, the world turned grey. I felt rage all the time, sadness, like I was in the pit of hell. I was truly miserable. My partner at that time was mentally abusive towards me.
Sleep deprivation mixed with the new pressures of a new born are honestly one of the worst experiences I have ever been through.
I remember a day I couldn't get my baby to settle, so I rang the social services, told them I couldn't do this anymore, and that I wanted my baby taken away from me. They came out for a visit and were extremely supportive and referred me to a local charity where I met other parents going through the same thing. I wasn't a bad mum, I was extremely unwell.
I used to lie to my health visitors and tell them I was happy when I wasn't, I was too scared to open up to anyone for a long time.
The thought of dying made me feel so happy that I thought about it all day and night.

Buy a baby bouncer or a baby rocker that rocks by itself
Buy Dr. browns bottles (I swear by them for a colicky baby. They worked a treat)
Tummy massage
They are expensive, and I know it is financially difficult for so many people right now.

My daughter is now 13, and it took a year for the severity of post natal depression to calm down, I felt a bit like myself again, but it still lingered...for 4 years. Looking back, I would have been open and sought treatment. Untreated postnatal depression can have serious consequences.
I feel immense guilt for the way I was, I was emotionally unavailable during her first 4 years, but thankfully, we are so close and have such a strong bond. I am very open with my daughter about my experience and of course the mum guilt, but there is nothing I can do to change it, I repeat, I was NOT a bad mother, I was UNWELL.

I became pregnant again 5 years later and was terrified of a repeat of post natal depression. To my surprise, I was absolutely fine. Fast forward another 2 children. In 2021, I had my son and I had a scary experience with him. I cried for 2 straight weeks, but I knew in my mind that this would pass, and if this feeling does not pass after 2 weeks, I will be going straight to my GP. It did pass, but it was horrible. Being sleep deprived, I could never switch off, even when my son was sleeping... he had colic as well, and I vividly remember laying in my bed in the dark and having voices appear in my head saying, "Do you know that all your family will die soon and you will be left with no one?" I jumped up, and my heart was racing along with sobbing.

Hormones after birth and sleep deprivation....I mean...it is brutal :(

I am absolutely fine now and have such a strong relationship with all of my children, I don't know what I would do without them.

If you do not feel better after a couple of weeks, please see your GP. After 3 months, you should notice a difference your babies sleep cycles. They sleep for longer stretches and colic resolves around this stage, too.
I know at this moment in time it seems like your whole world is crumbling, but trust me, this WILL pass. I am only a message away if you need to talk. I totally sympathise with how difficult and overwhelming it is.
Google the 4th trimester.
Invest in ear plugs if babies crying is starting to unsettle you, and also, there is a helpline you can call if you are struggling with babies crying.

My apologies for the long post.

You are not a bad mother. You are not a failure. You are experiencing all the changes and sleep deprivation. It is very, very hard.

Big hugs.