Loosing My Temper

[Metalma98]

It’s my first time posting so please bare with me.

i have a 19 month old who can’t talk yet. But for the most part I understand what he wants. Every time he wakes up (he still wakes a few times) he cries and screams and I also have a 4 month old. I’m overwhelmed and overworked with the load of being a stahm and I suffer with BPD and postpartum depression/anxiety which I am heavily medicated for. When they both go down for a nap I try to go down with them. But one wakes the other they both scream ect. And I keep my temper in check 80% of the time. Well today after barely any sleep and finishing all the chores I tried to nap and managed to for 30 minutes and my 19 month old woke up screaming.

i tired to soothe him then my 4 month old kicked off. When I finally got my 19 month old and 4 month old asleep I cuddled my 19 month old and was about to drop off then my 4 month old kicked off because when I moved my 19 month old kicked off and I just lost it and scream shouted at the top of my lungs, slung my 19 month old under my arm and put him on the sofa before I went to the kitchen to calm down which my 19 month old kicked off for another hour.

mom guilt is hitting me hard. They deserve a better mum than me. I try to do my best but I just blow sometimes. I am confident in my control not to physically lash out and I am also not a violent person. I just scream without realising that’s how I’m getting if that makes sense? And this doesn’t happen all the time maybe 1-2 times a week which I know is a lot but I’m trying. Everyday I wake up I say I’m going to be better and sometimes I’m just not the mum I wanted to be.

it’s hard to be a mum when you don’t know what a good mum looks like. My mom wasn’t good to me and I compare myself to her a lot.

please tell me I’m not alone.

Reach out to your health visitor OP and explain how you are feeling, may be worth speaking to your GP as well. Do you have a partner, any family/friends who can help you or even just watch your babies for a few hours to give you a proper break? X

You aren’t alone and lack of sleep plus two screaming babies is too much. Please I implore you if you get to the point where you want to do anything to shut them up, leave them to scream (safely) and leave the room until you cool down.

i’ve been there and to say it’s testing is an understatement. I wish I could offer practical help to you but I can’t unfortunately.

I’m literally on my own, my dad comes once a week but that’s it, everyone lives far away from me. My parents were young so I have my great grandparents and my grandparents but they’re too old to run after them. :( but I’ll definitely speak to my gp and health visitor thank you for the advice <3

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it and it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I’ll definitely be taking your advice <3

Can the dad take them for a day or two, if he's around? You can't keep this up on your own. I feel for you.

It's really tough- I have to say I didn't always manage to be calm in those early days.
Do be nice to yourself and do things that make life easier.
It does pass.

How are you feeling today?

It's so tough to read this as this was me. Things that helped me:

Antidepressants.
30 mins of listening to "mindful relaxing music" after the kids were in bed with no looking at my phone.
Time.
Walking into a different room briefly.
Loops earplugs.

I used to scream at my children. Then I started practicing Buddism and it gradually stopped. You can try chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo for 20 minutes first thing in the morning to get your resolve to get through the day without shouting. You can chant whist tending to the kids, making a cup of tea etc. Then find a quiet moment to chant for 20 minutes in the evening. Try to look at yourself with compassion. At the same time try to work out the particular triggers and see if you can remove/work around them the next day. More on Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo pronunciation and meaning on SGI-UK website. I hope it helps

I’m actually doing a lot better, my doctor put me on a different antidepressant and I’ve been really enjoying being myself and my children. Even the times where I’m being screamed at I’m able to keep a cool head and deal with it without shouting. Thank you for checking in on me, I really appreciate it. <3

You are not alone. It comes on sudden and hard, of course you will feel mum guilt and the fact you do shows you love them immensely. Talk to a doctor or HV they can help find a way for you to manage all the pressure with judgement, I promise they’ve heard it before.