Hi
I have been advised to come on here and try and explain my experience with others. I find stuff like this extremely difficult as I am not the best of talkers. But my therapist has said that the first step on this journey is to open up.
Back in 2021 I had my little girl, I had Covid at the time and the day before my waters broke I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. I had an elective c section and the actual birth was fine. When I was discharged I just knew I was not feeling right turns out I had very high blood pressure and the swelling/fluid in my legs was getting worse. I collapsed in hospital and was re-admitted I can not really remember much about the day I was admitted just that there was ALOT of doctors around me and I was rushed for a CT scan. I was in hospital for about 10 days I believe and I can’t remember most of them (something that really bothers me) I was on a Covid unit and my new born baby was not allowed in with me. So I couldn’t have any visitors or hold my baby I remember how poorly I felt and thought I was dying* *basically. I can remember the lady in the bed next to me passing away and the lady opposite me being told her unborn baby was going to die and that the mums lungs were only working at 30%. I also remember a lot of medication a lumbar puncture and wires and machines. Other than that, that’s all I can remember.
when I was discharged I was so happy to be at home with my family, but I still did not feel WELL. Cut a long story short, I have been in self destruct and only realising/admitting only a few weeks ago after going for therapy.
Over these past few years I have told myself I am due to die every little flutter or pain I get I think ‘it’s happening again, this is the time’ I have been very negative about EVERYTHING and very unkind. I’ve distanced myself from everyone and just like to stay indoors because I feel safe. Obviously this has had a massive impact on my social life and also my then partner. We have now broken up which is totally my fault as I have been vile and have believed there is nothing wrong with me. He was the love of my life so I have no idea why I was the way I was with him. The health anxiety that I have drives me insane. Wish I had seeked help sooner.
I also fell pregnant again last year and unfortunately lost the baby at just under 15 weeks. I do blame myself because I believe my body is no longer strong enough.
There is loads of other Feelings I have in side about not being good enough or I need to do better and that’s something I need to work on through this journey
would love to hear of any similar stories