So I am 4 months post partum.
Me and my partner had been together 18 months, not a long time but I thought we were happy. We didn’t argue that much and was intimate. The night before I had my son in hospital I had my partners iPad and found some strange things like email albums dedicated to his ex, images of ex girlfriends, emails from years ago enquiring on hookers, only fans pages. I was naturally distraught and sat on a bench outside the hospital sobbing about to have a baby. I figured now was probably not the best time to call it quits and he swore to me he would cleanse his phone and wasn’t going to do absolutely anything wrong going forward.
Anyway we went home and lived quite happily I thought for 2 months in a baby bubble. Then one night curiosity took over and I looked in his phone and realised it was so much worse than I ever imagined. That ‘girl mate’ who he always swore was just a friend wasn’t. He even swore on our son’s life she was just a mate. The filthy message exchanges between them go back the entirety of our relationship, all the way through the pregnancy after the birth everything. Then there was a local girl he knows who he pays money to for sordid filthy videos and images off. A few more women also. The conversations turned my stomach. Obviously I couldn’t get past this and ended the relationship when my little boy was 2 months old. He moved back home to his moms. His mom is not a nice person and will not allow her grandchildren to stay over at her house. Now would be a good time to add he has another child who is 3 who he see’s once a week on a Sunday, he reckons her mom lied about not being able to have kids and turned up when she was 3 months old.. I imagine that’s more lies knowing what I know about him now.
So anyway after a couple of weeks when I’d calmed down I allowed him to have our son in my home 2 evenings in the week to put him to bed then leave and then one night on the weekend to stay over with him so I could have a break, on the conditions that he was not to contact these women, he swore he wouldn’t and spent the next 2 months going on about how much he loved me and my son and that he was going the doctors to get help because he doesn’t know why he did what he did, he wasn’t even getting off on it sexually apparently. He was going on so much that it got to a point where I actually felt sorry for him and thought maybe he can change and be better and maybe one day we would be a family. Foolish of course.
So two weeks ago I tested him and said pass me your phone let’s have a look, he hands it to me bold as brash. It didn’t take me long to discover he was still very much in communication with the local girl he pays for it off and a couple of other new ones.
I told him to get out of my house immediately. That was 2 weeks ago. He is now going on at me about seeing his son and thinks that picking him up for a few hours on a Saturday makes him dad of the year. This doesn’t help me at all, it doesn’t give me a break. I have told him if he really cares about his son then one he wouldn’t have done what he did again and jeopardised being around him and two he is 36 and on a good wage so should go and get his own place to accommodate having his child properly, I.e. for weekends overnight rather than just a few hours on a Saturday.
So basically when my son was 2 months old I found out my entire relationship was a lie and I didn’t know my partner at all. I then had to move house as I couldn’t afford the one I was in by myself so I spent every minute I wasn’t caring for my son packing and decorating by myself. Then for 2 months all I got was what I now know was continuous lie after lie from my partner. Now my baby is 4 months and he’s not around because he will not get his own place to accommodate having his child. He is now saying I am using my son as a weapon coz I won’t facilitate the pathetic few hours on a Saturday he’s requested.
I can’t stop crying all the time, I miss my old life so badly, I miss the old me.
I love my little boy so much but I’m finding it such hard work by myself. I feel guilty that he doesn’t have a family, like I’ve failed him already. I’m stressed having to deal with my vile ex all the time. I feel like I just need a break. I’m not sure I am cut out to be a parent, I just really don’t enjoy it. Sometimes my little one will do something and it makes me smile or proud and gives me a glimmer of hope but for the most part I hate all of it.
Now I’m not sure if I feel the way I feel because of the circumstances or do I have PND? I just never imagined my life would be like this, being a single parent was actually one of my greatest fears coming from a single parent family of 6 myself. Now I’m living it. I just feel so unbelievably sad all the time. I feel like I’m grieving my relationship, the life I imagined, the person I used to be etc.
Also he is threatening to take me to court, If he takes me to court would a judge allow him to just have his son every Saturday for a few hours? It means I still wouldn’t get a proper break and I’d miss every Saturday with him when I might like to do something on the one day a week off work (still on mat leave now but when I go back in a few months) I get myself. I just feel so trapped… any one else been in a situation like this? Please give me some hope.