Nearly 12 weeks pregnant with crushing depression and anxiety

[HighlyStrung1987]

I'm feeling so despairing and guilty so please be kind. I'm 11 weeks +4 with a very planned pregnancy. I wasn't ever sure I'd be able conceive due an autoimmune condition that impacts my hormones, I'm also 36 and early menopause runs in my family. I was thrilled when I discovered I was pregnant again following an early miscarriage at Christmas, however since then I've become gripped by fear and I'm convinced I've made a horrible mistake. I'm sure I won't be able to cope with a child (partly due to my autoimmune condition but mostly due to how easily I become anxious and depressed). I'm also scared of repeating the mistakes my own parents made. I'm worried I'll hate being a parent and that I won't like my child and I feel so guilty and anxious. I had some of these thoughts with my first pregnancy (also planned) but was beyond devastated when I miscarried and that made me rethink and believe that I really did want a baby after all. I absolutely ached to be pregnant again and amazingly it happened straight away. I just don't understand why my my brain is doing this again! I am good with babies and have nieces and nephews who I love dearly. My partner is absolutely incredible and so supportive. I really feel we're a strong team and he backs me 100%. He is also fantastic with children and is so excited about this baby. I've been on antidepressants for a few years following the end of a very traumatic and unhealthy relationship with my ex husband and I have a doctors appointment next week so that I can ask for a perinatal mental health referral. I should probably also mention that this pregnancy has been ROUGH so far. I feel ill all day, everyday, I'm sleeping horribly, I'm exhausted, and my hormones are raging. My partner works away a lot and it's really hard feeling like this and being at home by myself. If you've read this far then thank you. I don't really know what I'm after with this post to be honest. I feel like I need a huge hug and to sleep for a month.