I wish I'd never had my baby

[GHDSF]

Hi all,

I'm a FTM and have a 3 month old daughter. I love her more than anything but I wish that I'd never had her. I can't tell you how awful I feel saying that but I'm really struggling to adjust to motherhood and I can't cope with how demanding and full on a baby is. I don't know why I thought I could be a mother.

I had these feelings straight after she was born but I put it down to the baby blues. Unfortunately, they never went away and they've slowly gotten worse over the last couple of months. I have moments where I just wish I was dead, I would never commit suicide but I have fantasies such as dying in my sleep.

I cry a lot but there are also times where I kind of zone out, like I struggle to talk or think. My daughter isn't the easiest baby, she's currently fighting every nap so then becomes overtired and hysterical and she frequently wakes at night (last night she was up from 5am screaming).

I'm currently an expat living abroad in my fiancé's home country so I'm away from my family. Unfortunately, my fiancé doesn't get on well with his family so we don't have a support system here. I also haven't made any friends (sad I know, I just find it very hard due to low self esteem and confidence) so I feel very lonely. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, I just wanted to put my thoughts down and talk to someone who may have gone through something similar. Everywhere I look it says that having a baby gets easier, but it feels like it's getting harder and I don't know how much longer I can cope with it :(

[TheBirdintheCave]

This is most definitely post natal depression. Can you contact your midwife, health visitor or doctor for some help? Could one of your family members come over to stay with you? I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I had it as well. It's awful :(

[Laurabeee]

I really hope things got better for you. I never felt so vulnerable as when my baby was born and also struggled with lack of friends. Hang in there xxx

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Bless you, sending a huge hug.

Can you go back home and stay with family for a few months? Tell your fiancé that it feels life and death right now.

Can you afford to hire some help? A nanny for a few hours? A night nurse?

It does get easier, it will pass, you will get through it, and please reach out to your GP/healthcare for support with PND.

[AnitaLoos]

Your situation sounds really hard and lonely. I’m not surprised you are depressed. Could you come home to your family for a break?

[GHDSF]

Thanks so much for your replies everyone. The situation is no better, if anything I'm feeling worse. I went to see my GP and he was absolutely useless, didn't even want to give me medication because I'm breastfeeding (I thought there were BF safe antidepressants?).

My mom has come over twice since my daughter was born, for a few weeks at a time which has been a big help. But when she goes back home I feel lost again!

Going back to the UK is nearly impossible for us at the moment as we have a dog so we can't fly. We're also in the middle of building our new house in the countryside (up until 2 weeks ago we were living in a city apartment), which is both exciting and stressful. In some ways it's better because I get to take forest walks every morning, but in other ways it's worse because it's rural living so I'm even more isolated.

My fiancé is very supportive and always says that I must tell him how I'm feeling, but he's very busy with the house build. He takes our daughter occasionally so I can shower or eat in peace but most of his free time is taken up by the building work. He has said that we could hire a nanny which I was a bit wary of at first ( you hear horror stories of nannies from hell!), but I think we will go down that route. I desperately need help, I can't do this on my own anymore :(

[marlfield]

Bless you. I think you need some time back in the UK and your fiancé will just have to cope with the house build and the dog. You need to speak to a GP over here and get some support, and yes antidepressants if you need them. It sounds like classic post natal depression and is nothing to be ashamed of.

Is there any way you and the baby can come back for a bit?