From mountains to motherhood

[JTAlberta]

Feeling like the worst kind of human. I am 36 years old, and consistently said I wanted kids since my twenties. I ended relationships over it, I fretted heading into my thirties that I might have a hard time if I didn't start soon. I got married to the most amazing man 5 months ago; the type of person I always said I would have children with. We planned to start trying for a family shortly after the wedding, an idea that brought me so much joy when that decision was made. As our wedding approached I started contemplating asking my husband to wait a year; I recently started down a path that could fulfill a lifelong dream and wanted to keep that momentum going. I also met a group of friends who very quickly became my soul tribe, and we spent the last summer climbing and backpacking all over Alberta/BC, my idea of bliss. I was in absolute heaven, and wanted more time living like that.

A month after our wedding, upon returning from our honeymoon, I found out I was already 3 months pregnant. Instead of feeling the joy and excitement so many women seem to feel, I felt like my life was being ripped away from me. Other women told me they had moments of these feelings; they will go away when you feel baby move, or when you learn the gender, it takes a bit of time to wrap your head around an unplanned pregnancy etc etc. Well I am now 28 weeks and how I feel has been consistent, and has only gotten worse. I am genuinely envious of women who feel that joy, I wanted to experience it for the longest time.

It isn't easy to be honest about this, and I haven't been able to open up to anyone in my life, so please, no hate or judgement when reading this. I am wondering if I made a huge mistake. Did I ever really want kids, or was I following a societal narrative telling me all women should want that, and never really gave it much ACTUAL thought? I feel as though I JUST found my passion and what makes me truly happy, and this is just going to derail everything. I hate being pregnant; I liked how I looked and felt before, and that is gone, I have never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I am not the strong, capable woman I was. I don't like going out in public, I don't want people staring at me, and I REALLY don't want people asking or talking to me about it, because I feel like I have to pretend like it is something I am excited about. People tell me it's worth it, you will love baby when they are here etc., but what if that's not true for me? I had plenty of moments growing up where I questioned if my mother even liked me, and that did a lot of damage to my own psyche and my relationship with her. I don't want to do that to any kid, but if this feeling never changes, she is bound to grow up feeling unwanted. The last thing I want is to resent my own child because I feel like she changed a life I loved in a way I didn't want.

I have reached out to a therapist that specializes in antenatal depression, so I am being proactive in trying to help myself, and am just wondering if there are any women out there who can understand what this feels like, and empathize a bit? I recognize that a lot of people want this and can't make it work, and I feel every bit of guilt about that possible, so if you read this and want to shame/guilt me over how selfish I am.... Trust me, that is the last thing I need right now, I am already doing it to myself.