Breakdown at 24 weeks pregnant

[endcityspawner]

Please no judgment this is my first post and hoping to hear from somebody who has experienced similar.

I’m 24 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, my first and I love her beyond words already. I have anxiety and depression already and take antidepressants. I ran out for a couple of days so missed a few days dosages and it’s really crept up on me today. I ended up just crying and crying, I told my partner it would be better if the baby wasn’t in me. The guilt of that set it straight away and I completely broke down because I don’t mean it but how could a mum say such a thing about their child? I told my partner he should have her when she’s born because of what I said. She doesn’t deserve a mother who had that come out of her mouth. How can I possibly look at her when she’s born knowing I came out with something like that? How can I look at her when she’s 5, 10, 20 knowing I said that about her before she was even born? She deserves so much better than that and she deserves a better mum than I’ll ever be able to be.

Incase it doesn’t sound like it, I really really do love her hence why I feel such immense guilt. I’ve just taken my meds but I can’t get over the guilt of the comment I made in the spur of the moment. I truly feel like a horrible person and knowing I’ve hurt her feelings in there is breaking me. She deserves the best and that can’t be me when I said that as her own mum. Like I said, what sort of mother would even say that? I clearly don’t deserve to have her when others would do anything to be in my position.

Has anyone experienced similar or am I just a d*ck? 😞

Hope the rambling makes sense

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

Oh @endcityspawner you poor thing. You won't have hurt her feelings, it will be a long time until she can understand your words.

Please be kind to yourself. You are ill and how you're feeling is part of your illness.

Have you told your MW how you're feeling?

[wp65]

I spent half of my pregnancy wishing (out loud) I wasn't pregnant. I don't feel guilty about it - pregnancy is shit, hard on both your physical and mental health. Give yourself a break. It's not a reflection on how much you love your baby, or what kind of mother you'll be. I say this kindly, as someone who has also suffered from depression, but you're being too dramatic about it!