PPD Guilt

[EMJJ]

FTM to 6mo DS who is wonderful. I guess I am young ish, 29, and none of my close friends have children yet.
Had an awful pregnancy with HG ending up with multiple NG tubes which I would end up vomiting. Spent most of the pregnancy in and out of the hospital on IVs etc. Then got choleastasis so they induced me at 36+5. Was lucky with a smooth enough delivery in 5 hours from waters going. He didn’t cry and needed some help, though he seemed stable. His breathing wasn’t right (grunting) so spent the night in NICU. He had jaundice and a tongue tie which made breastfeeding difficult and feeding in general close to impossible. This meant weight gain was slow and was hauled over coals by the doctors being blamed for this, scolded that I wasn’t feeding him and told I wasn’t producing milk etc. Cue pumping, triple feeding, prescription high calorie formula, but eventually he caught up and I got him back EBF by 4mo which I am so proud of.
I am now struggling with PPD, currently scoring moderately severe. I have a long history of depression and anorexia with multiple admissions. The biggest thing I’m finding hard right now is guilt. I feel guilty for being tired, despite doing every night feed. I often end up lying awake. I feel guilty that I’m not cooking, cleaning and generally on top of the day to day like used to. I would normally do everything, which I logically know is ridiculous. I don’t believe in the concept, but feel like a bad wife and I’m letting everyone down. I feel guilty for not being intimate with my husband. I feel guilty for being sad at such a wonderful time. I feel guilty for getting frustrated with my sister for not considering the needs of the baby when we visited her abroad, but why would she when she’s only 20. I feel guilty for apologising (because I feel guilty) because I know it is so annoying. This mindset is really getting me down and I don’t know what to do. Meds have been tweaked but obviously that takes time. I can’t afford to go to therapy but it terrifies me that this will escalate and I will end up back in hospital. I’m just lost and need help but don’t know where to turn.

I know this feeling sadly too well. You feel like you’re on a downward spiral and can’t get out. It really hit home for me at 5-6months how bad it had all got. I felt guilty all the time; I felt angry and I just felt like everything was too much.

It was my manager talking to me one day that helped everything to make sense. She put it so bluntly to telll me that I had a sh*t pregnancy and she was right. I was so unwell with so many other things happening that looking back, I didn’t get to enjoy it. I know pregnancy is hard but it felt harder than I was anticipating. I didn’t get to enjoy the baby shower and the lead up, I just felt unwell. When my baby was born it was a stressful time too so I didn’t enjoy the first few days, I spent them worrying. It feels like you had a really hard pregnancy too and a really tough newborn stage. You’ve done incredibly well with your little boy and need to go easier on yourself.

When your baby was born you were sort of born too. You’ve changed and it’s hard to accept the challenges and changes that come with a baby. Everyone prepare you for birth and what they think newborn life is like but no one really prepares you for how you will feel and the changes you go through.

You’re bound to be exhausted being up all night and that Itself will take its toll on anyone. That couple with the stress and pressure of your baby not gaining eight quickly is a lot.

I also went on medication and now almost a year later I’m proud to say I’ve come off of it. Some days are hard but they are better and easier than before. One thing that massively helped me was keeping a diary, writing down how I was feeling and what was making me feel that way. A lot of the time it was meaningless things like hoovering and washing dishes but doing it felt too hard. I worked with my dh to create a to do list. We would try work through the chores during the week but I had to remind myself that if it wasn’t done then so what. My mum started coming to help out too. I felt embarrassed at first but then remembered she’s been through it all too. Do you have anyone close by who could help out? When the days felt the hardest and j was exhausted I pushed myself to go a walk with my baby in the pram. The fresh air was great for just clearing my head.

You’re doing a great job and it does get easier!