Hi guys,
Am not sure what I'm really looking for here. I'm 7+4 with my third child. My youngest is 5.
It wasn't exactly an accident, as in we were silly, but it was a "safe" time of moth etc and we've gotten away with it in the past. We're happily married, employed, etc but aren't flush for cash and have more debt than we'd like but not crippling amounts.
I know it's our fault, but I feel totally blindsided by this pregnancy. We were talking about it before hand, but I was aware that my hormones etc wanted another baby but everything else - logistics, space, money, wellbeing of DCs, my mental state, etc - meant it was a terrible idea.
I'm feeling utterly exhausted and nauseous and I had antenatal depression with both previous pregnancies. But those two were both planned and I can't stop thinking about terminations, or almost hoping for a miscarriage - which is entirely alien to me. And I'm not sure that is the right route either.
I feel like I've lost all control of my body - like things are happening that I didn't choose. I have untreated ADHD which makes day to day life challenging, my house is a mess, I'm regularly overwhelmed and have chronic anxiety. So all of this is becoming a bit of a toxic mess of resentment. Thinking if I'm semi overwhelmed with two, I'm going to be even worse with 3.
We can't afford a new car/new house. So life will be a squeeze once baby arrives. And I'm worried of taking my limited spoons away from my two DC.
I've told my partner about the negative thoughts and asked if we can discuss them later tonight. I do have a therapist already - but she's not trained to help with these very specific issues.
I'm already showing a lot - it's bloat, not a bump - but the result is the same! So I'm having to try and hide things a bit already and I'm telling the odd person in a really negative away and then feeling that my thoughts are being confirmed by their mirrored responses.
Wow... such a long ramble. Thank you if anyone reads! I'm not sure what I'm after, but just came across this board and figured it might be a good place to vent and seek some solidarity, thoughts, reassurance, etc!