i have managed over the past few months to drag myself out of the dark hole of pnd/ocd. It has been tough and tbh I know I’m not fully out of it but I can at least see the light now.
some of my closest friends have since had babies and I’ve now found myself comparing our experiences of our earliest experiences of motherhood. I of course know that each mothers journey will be different and unique but I can’t help but feel so sad at how different my experience has been in comparison. I’m still battling everyday with the guilt of how I was in those first few weeks. The beautiful wholesome baby bubble that I’d expected was so far away from what I’d experienced. I can’t help but feel almost jealous (not an emotion I’m used to feeling) and like I let my little girl down.
im grateful that the medication has got me to a position that I can function and started to be present in my little girls life, I am trying. But I’m also fully aware of what was, trying to process everything that happened. The birth, the total lack of any feeling, good or bad, the fact at times I thought that she would be better off without me.
it hurts. I am so happy for my friends and the safe arrival of their healthy babies and I would never ever wish what happened to me to happen to them or any other women ever l. But yes, apart of me is feeling extremely triggered by them having the birth they wanted and getting to experience those first few weeks completely besotted with their babies.
I don’t know what else to do to help me move past this, to accept what has happened. If I ever will. The fear that relationship with my daughter will somehow always be tainted by this is always there
am I alone in feeling like this? 😣