8 weeks pregnant and confused

[Saraxx90]

Hi everyone - this is a bit of a long one, but I'm feeling very lost and confused right now and could really do with some external advice/guidance ❤️

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant and really unsure of whether or not to go through with the pregnancy.

A little background, I'm 32 and OH is 55, we've been together for 8 years and I previously had a termination aged 27 - I completely freaked out the first time and felt so unbelievably unready for a number of different reasons, so I've spent the last 4years addressing those issues so I'd eventually feel strong and confident enough to start trying again.

My partner was extremely supportive at the time and said we wouldn't start trying again until I felt ready enough to do so, despite his age when we really should have started a number of years ago.

We made the decision in October 2022 to start actively trying again and fell pregnant in January 2023.

I have such mixed feelings about it all again, and even though I've addressed the issues from last time I just don't feel excited or happy about the pregnancy and overall feel very down, questioning our relationship, my partner's age etc. Even though I had thought about all of these factors beforehand, it all feels so different when you're actually pregnant and these issues/doubts aren't hypothetical anymore.

I see other mums on here being so excited about their pregnancy, and I just don't 💔

The last time I really rushed my decision having a termination because I really felt the time pressure and that if the thought of terminating even entered my head, then it was something I obviously wanted deep down (I was 6 weeks), so, I'm trying my hardest to come round to the prospect before rushing into anything I can't take back; I feel sad that we went through that the first time, but ultimately felt it was the right decision at the time and we got through it. If I make that decision again, I think our relationship would be over, I feel so torn about the whole thing and the prospect of hurting my partner again.

I feel so stupid and ungrateful because I've been here before, but just can't help letting the same worries take over me again.

Basically, I don't know if I should take these feelings of anxiety and doubt as a sign that it's not the right decision to make and I should move on from the relationship - every time I think of the future, I just don't feel happy/excited about it.

Thank you so much for reading this far, it's a relief to even just write the thoughts down xx

Hey @Saraxx90, I know I'm a bit late to this but just found your thread and it resonated with me. Exactly the same - had an abortion in my 20s, now pregnant in my 30s and terrified/depressed/don't know if I can carry on. I even called NUPAS this morning to have an assessment for termination.
How are you getting on now? I'm so sorry you feel like this, I really empathise with you. Xx

Hi @CaffeinatedLondoner I'm so sorry you're going through the same 😔 it's so overwhelming.

It feels like a lifetime ago since I posted that.

So, I ended up having a termination at 11 weeks - the feelings of not wanting to go through with it just didn't subside; I even went for a private scan at 8 weeks to check if the pregnancy was viable and was devastatingly holding out hope that it wouldn't be - that's definitely not the feelings I want to have bringing a child into the world, as I know I do want to be a mum one day.

So, I'm now in the process of ending my relationship as I felt I couldn't ignore my worries and doubts any longer.

Throughout the course of our relationship, I never opened up to anyone about my doubts because I felt so conscious/vulnerable because of the age gap and I now realize how much anxiety the age difference was giving me as I looked into my future - I felt at 32, I owed it to myself to find a relationship where I felt excited about building a future with someone, not anxious that I'd be their carer at 50 with a teenager in tow.

I've felt relief since the termination, and actually that was the 'easier' thing to go through, as ending the relationship is extremely painful and instantly earth shattering.

How are you doing? Are you in a similar or different situation to your previous termination?

If I can be of any help at all, please let me know - sending you lots of strength 💐

@Saraxx90 you've been through so, so much the last month. I can't even begin to imagine the weight of everything.
I admire you, genuinely. The bravery it takes to stand up and do the right thing for you - whether it be with discontinuing the pregnancy or discontinuing a relationship - can't be overstated. To tackle both takes such courage, you should be so, so proud of yourself. You are honoring yourself and that isn't easy ❤

Yes, I'm certainly leaning towards a termination. Waiting for a call back from the nurse following my initial consultation earlier. I am the same age as you now, and when I had my last termination I was 25. The situation is different, but same partner. I own my home now, have a good job, everything is in place that it 'should be'. I just wake up every day feeling hopeless, praying I'll see blood when I go to the loo - like you say, I know this isn't how a 'mother' should feel.
I've found your story really important. In the sea of enthusiastic 'mums to be', feeling like this makes you feel like a social pariah. So, thank you for making me feel less alone, and I hope you're doing OK. Xx

@CaffeinatedLondoner You're definitely not alone, never forget that ❤ Also remember that just because you're not instantly excited, doesn't mean it's not right to go through with it either - falling pregnant is such a huge life change and it's bound to freak you the f*ck out! I think where I went slightly 'wrong' with my first termination is that I acted very quickly and then when it was all done, I had a lot of "what have I done?!" moments, and that took me a long time to come to terms with. Whereas this time round, I let it sit for almost 2 months before terminating and I just couldn't get away from my gut feeling that it wasn't the right thing to do - that all of the issues and doubts I had about my relationship were raising their head more than ever. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you have time to think it over and make sure you feel at ease with your reasoning, let the dust settle a little and think about what you want in your future xx

@CaffeinatedLondoner also, thank you so much for your kind words - although I stick by my decision and know it's for the best in the long run, I still can't shake the feeling that I am a massive failure right now for not being able to go through with it all and ending an 8 year relationship, but here's hoping it will be worth it somewhere down the line xx