How long after giving birth did you start visiting people? Or allowed visitors

[Kardelen]

I gave birth on Wednesday. Had several visitors come over ( close family members).
my mother in law came first day. She now is refusing to come as she had a argument with dh. She wanted us to go round to hers so she can invite her sister and their families over. But dh said it’s too soon for that, so she’s now upset and is not answering calls. This is my second baby, on my first it was similar and it made me go through depression as I also
had a very complicated birth and it was giving me too much stress. This time around I said I won’t take her to heart, but it’s slowly getting to me and I can feel it.

not sure what to do? Dh said he will
gonover with ds today. But all her other kids are putting pressure on us for me
to go too.
how soon after did you guys leave the house? I just feel a total mess leaking etc and don’t feel too comfortable

We were out straight away. We went to my parent’s for dinner on the way home from hospital so we didn’t have to cook, went out to eat locally the following day and to church.

That was my choice though I felt up to it and wasn’t pressured by anyone else to do it.

Thank you for your reply

We had quite a lot of visitors but didn't manage to go out for about a week because of midwife check ups. We were just given an am or pm time slot and then they messaged a more accurate time in the morning. Visits were something like days 1,3 and 5 but then we had a couple extra as he had dropped a lot of his birth weight.
We also had a standard hearing check at 7 days.

It's up to you if you feel ready to go out but maybe you could use follow up visits as an excuse to give yourself a bit of time if you're not up to going to other people's homes?

A few hours, then just went out ourselves the next day with our baby and life just went on from then like normal

I didn't leave the house for two weeks. I waited til the bleeding had stopped and I'd got to grips with breast feeding etc. Family visited us at home during that time. I agree with you 100% that you shouldn't be pressured into going anywhere til you're ready. MIL is out of order making a fuss about this. DH needs to have a stern word with her when he goes to see her.

I think it was about a week and a half when I visited my family so Aunts could see etc
My brother, sisters, parents and in laws had seen them when in hospital (I was in for 5 days)
They were welcome to the house but chose to wait to see them at my mother's.
You do what's comfortable for you, let her have her tantrum. You and the baby are number one and good to see your DH sticking up for you. Next weekend is plenty of time for extended family to see the baby and they should understand that.

Normally on threads like this I think the poster is being super unreasonable as it's usually that they are fine seeing their own family but not their partner's. I'm only saying this for context, because I think you are being completely reasonable here.

You haven't stopped them coming over. You aren't stopping your husband taking the baby to them. Frankly they are being arseholes putting pressure on you to go to them when you don't feel comfortable.

There is no time limit, as @BooksAndHooks has said it's about when is right for the individual, and this is clearly too soon for you, which is fine. I'd personally say if you still feel like this c. 4 weeks after birth (assuming physical symptoms have stopped by then) when your hormones should have moderated a bit then I'd have a chat with someone about it, but I appreciate that's a pretty arbitrary figure!

Also, don't give her excuses. Just say I'm not up to it right now, we will arrange a day for everyone soon.

I didn't leave the house for 2 weeks except for medical appointments. DD was a nightmare feeding due to tongue tie.
I wouldn't expect anyone with a newborn to go visiting people if they didn't want to.

Close family and our friends visited us from the day after we got home. Once I was feeling ok, we visited others, that was about 10 days with our first but more like 3/4 weeks with our second as I had some complications. My in-laws caused a huge issue over us not attending an event, and to be honest, our relationship never fully recovered. My partner told them how selfish they were being and how dare they try to put pressure on me.

Your in-laws are being very, very unfair. Take your time to rest, prioritise your physical and mental health. And don’t let them ruin these very precious early days with your baby.

Congratulations on your baby. 💐

I am going to say this very kindly, it doesn't matter who went out when as every mother recovers differently. I also believe every mother makes decisions that suit their needs.

On my first I like pp we went to my family for dinner on way home from hospital so baby was two days old. I wasn't breastfeeding was reasonably in good physical shape, a few stitches and pain relief for back issues.

What people saw was a happy mother out and about. I was out and about to try and reduce risk of ppd, and was probably on a high from relief baby was here safe and well.

So what people see and reality differ. My best friend basically stayed home with minimal visitors for a month. Both very different both valid both individual choices, I think choice is the issue.

We stayed in the (private) hospital room for 5 days. No visitors. I loved it - just me, DH, and our newborn.

After that we had a lot of guests and I was out for walks etc. but in hindsight it was too soon - everything was a blur and I was sleep deprived and very sore from tears. Do what's right for you please, forget everyone else. You're the one who has just given birth and need to rest and recover so you can care for your newborn.
Congratulations

I went straight away, but the only right answer is ‘when you’re ready’. You shouldn’t feel pressured.

I wanted absolutely no visitors apart from one visit from grandparents in the first week. I ended up seeing them nearly daily and we were told that great grandparents must be allowed to visit that first week too. It massively grated on me and honestly affected how I felt about my inlaws (who i otherwise love) for a while. Your MIL is being unreasonable. She is thinking entirely about how nice it will be for HER to be able to show off her new grandson and she's not thinking about her DIL who's just been through something massive and now has recovery to contend with. Never mind parading a brand new baby around lots of people like they're a doll not even considering the germ exposure... I can't stand when people lose their minds over a new baby and forget completely about the needs of the new mother. Good for your partner telling her its too soon.

The only person who should be setting the pace for when you do things is you. If you felt up for going out and about the day after then that's great, if you want to cocoon at home for a fortnight that's great too. There's no one right way to do 4th trimester so you need to enforce your own boundaries and do what feels right. Noone should be allowed to compromise your mental health over their own excitement. Dh needs to go alone and have a straight conversation with his mum about how she is making you all feel and remind her that while naturally she's excited and wants to spend time with baby, you are the parents and will involve her in a way that fits your recovery and she needs to support that. I wouldn't have him going by himself with baby because i think that really undermines what you're saying you need. If it's too soon, it's too soon and new babies need to be with their mummies unless you have decided you want some time to yourself. Plus i think it's nice for you to get to show baby off when YOU are ready.

If you think you can stick her, you could suggest certain jobs she could do to help to involve her in a more useful way. Eg she comes round and does your ironing or some cooking etc couple of mornings a week. But not to just hold baby and not help or expect you to host her. And only if you'd find this actually helpful.

There was the RSV risk as well as covid. My antenatal class also said y days minimum. I only leg my parents visit, everyone else had to wait for 3 weeks. Of om really honest I needed that time, I had a traumatic birth and even the shock of post-partum I struggled with, bleeding and my enormous, sore boobs, I was not up for visitors either. I thought people would be annoyed with me, but they were all very understanding.

Sorry bad typing, 7 days minimum

Currently feeding my three week old. He is my second baby but my first was in lockdown so no visitors or visiting. We’ve had close family and friends visiting from day one, which I honestly found quite overwhelming at first - especially DH’s family, they did nothing wrong and were welcome but we aren’t very close so feeding/being uncomfortable isn’t something I want to do in front of them.

We have been out to the park and a cafe that I know is breastfeeding friendly or similar a few times but that’s it. I won’t be visiting anyone until the constant feeding has calmed down, it’s just not worth the hassle.

Don’t let them pressure you into doing something you aren’t comfortable with, it’s a sensitive time and you need to take care of yourself and ignore whatever anyone else thinks.

Agree with everyone saying it's completely individual and the right time is when you feel ready. I think it's awful that your MIL is behaving like this and putting pressure on you. I think I left the house on day 5 but that was only to go for a gentle walk and get some air, I don't think I would have been keen to go to someone's house.

I hope the supportive response on here help your frame of mind

Thank you for everyone’s replies. I agree it should be done when I feel comfortable. I don’t mind her coming, dh siblings coming and they did for the last few days. but feel like extended family could wait a little longer. Especially going to another house and having to go up and down to feed the baby doesn’t seem very ideal for me at the moment, let alone the germ exposure.
i will most likely have to host them at mil’s as well as I can’t just let her do all the work. And that’s another issue on its own too.

Rest at home, till your ready. It was about a month for me ( i did appts, little outdoor walks for mental health)

In our culture its 6 weeks (40 days) bed rest postpartum. Guests look after themselves and see baby and mum if she available (up for it), otherwise husband, mil, mum other family members host.

Its a delicate time, healing, recovering, adjusting, take help and support from family, any negative pressures from ppl are their selfish needs being put first, but you need to put your needs first at this time in your life. It won't be forever, it won't be for long, take care of yourself and realise its your right to do what you need for your health now.

I hope this helps. X

I enjoyed visitors coming over soon after the birth - however I didn’t really
go to other people’s houses for a few weeks. People can come to you if they want to see you.

Parents and siblings came in the first days to see me and aunt/uncle a few days later. I didn't leave the house for about 10 days as establishing bf and dealing with leaking and bleeding.

Good to hear your DH is being supportive. Don't be pressured into going to MILs or anywhere else until you're ready, or having extended family too soon.

i personally wouldn't allow my baby to be taken to MILs without me either. Your baby needs to be close to mum for bonding and establishing bf, not being taken for pass the parcel and goodness knows what else out of your sight.

@UmmMaryam2019
in my culture and mil culture it’s the same, but as it’s pick and choose she compares me to herself and says she went Tesco the next day of giving birth.