Hi I don’t really know what I am looking for from this post but after late night reading other mumsnet posts and my thoughts going wild I feel I maybe just need to rant. I am currently 6 weeks post partum ( on Monday ). My pregnancy was not the easiest and I really struggled. I am a manager in a bank and up until I finished for maternity in November this was extremely stressful as well as on going health issues through out pregnancy ( low papp a, cervix bleeding throughout ) I’m 25 and when I found out I was pregnant I knew I had to move from my family home to my own place. When I finished up work in November I fought relentlessly for a council house as with the house market our savings would have not covered a deposit as of yet. It was extremely stressful and I finally got a house in my partners area which is about 15/20 minutes drive from my mums. We moved in here on the Thursday night and I had my little boy on the Monday so there was very little time to try and make this house feel like home. Which is where I feel a lot of my sadness and depression is coming from. I had an elective section with my son and it was great, recovery has been better than i expected apart from the first week I was in agony and extreme baby blues the first 2 weeks ( constant crying, feeling so sad resulting in feeling guilty which was an neber ending cycle ). From the get go we have had visitors from the day we got home from the hospital and I could probably count on 1 hand in the past 6 weeks any day we haven’t had visitors. It’s been relentless and I feel like me trying to please and keep others happy has now got me ready to snap. As I mentioned I moved away from my family home and I feel a bit lost in this house I’ve tried so hard to make it feel like mine but I just wish I could run back to my mums and I know I can’t. Despite FaceTiming everyday and still seeing her occasionally I miss her terribly and this house doesn’t feel like home and I have a newborn baby that I feel like I brought home to a strangers house. In addition I feel like nothing has changed for my partner ( his mum and dad stay across the road ) his social life has continued as normal ( football training, occasional night out, football game every Saturday ) and I now feel like I am starting to resent him. 90% of the visitors we have had have been his family, his mum nearly every single day as she thinks she is helping and it’s been all his friends too. I feel like the silly things are getting to me, the fact I dealt with the mental load of everything during the pregnancy, the health issues, a stressful job, back and forth with the council relentlessly every other day to get the house, then the decorating to have the house semi ready for the baby coming. I moved from my family home, even the stupid things like me having to change my doctors to this area has gotten to me when nothing has changed for my partner and I know that sounds so silly and I feel silly for even feeling angry about it. I have done all the night feeds since we got out from hospital as my partner works and I was happy to do them when he is working but it took for me to snap last night for him to take his turn ( when he’s not working ) and now I feel like I can’t even look at him. He’s asked me all day what’s wrong and if it’s because of last night then I’m silly and I know things are heated with a newborn baby but I just can’t bare to look at him just now. Maybe it’s jealousy from everything I mentioned above. I feel sad all the time, I have no motivation to cook anything to eat despite being hungry, I keep bursting into tears and feeling so upset my baby hearing me cry to the point I then cuddle him for hours because I feel guilty. I feel lost in this house, in myself , in my life and I feel angry at the world, my partner, everything. One thing I do know is I love my baby more than anything in the world and I haven’t struggled to bond with him I feel like it’s the only thing I have made sure I have done. I know struggling to bond is a sign of PND which is making me wonder if I have it or not.
as I said in the first sentence I’m not sure what I’m looking for in this post or what response but I feel it has helped to type it all out. If anyone gets to the end of this and has any tips or advice or even just that they are struggling too it would help to know.