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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

Original poster

Wishing I wasn't pregnant

8 replies

RLL · 02/02/2023 19:07

Hello, I'm 29 y/o, and 27 weeks pregnant with my first child. It was a planned and wanted Pregnancy with my husband following a very upset miscarriage last year. However antenatal depression has hit me hard. I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life getting pregnant. I don't want to the baby. I have no bond with it, I have no desire to keep it. I wish I had an abortion when I could have, but I didn't out of not wanting to upset family who say they love it already etc. I cry myself to sleep most nights, I cry to and from work in the car. I've told my husband I want to give it up for adoption, he doesn't want to. I said I think it will have to be a choice, either me or the baby stays, and he awkwardly made clear he couldn't give up the baby, so that means I'd have to go. I dream about being pregnant and deciding to end my life (I wouldn't do this in real life), I've dreamt that I gave it up for adoption and I was so happy and relieved. I never ever thought I'd feel this way, I could never imagine leaving my child after being a child myself who's dad abandoned me and didn't want me, but for the first time in my life I can understand why he left, because I want to leave my own.

Everyone says it's just the hormones and when it's here I'll love it and will want it, but I just don't see that happening.

Tried CBT therapy and thought it was absolutely useless and I don't want medication.

Did anyone else feel the same and have a happy outcome?

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 03/02/2023 07:39

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Without wishing to sound harsh, you are very, very ill. Please take the medication.

User95659565 · 09/03/2023 21:38

This was me exactly two years ago! I didn't get help and I was diagnosed with PND. I felt exactly the same as you and because I didn't get help in pregnancy.it was horrendous after baby. I thought my life was over, I didn't love baby honestly my thoughts couldn't have been worse I didn't want my baby anywhere near me I just wanted to die, i felt like a completely different person. I felt how you did in pregnancy and just thought it would resolve itself once baby was born. Anyway I did eventually get help and was given Anti-depressants which took a few weeks to kick in but once they did I started feeling better. It took a while but he is the ABSOLUTE light of my life now. I 100% adore him, I can't even imagine those thoughts now that I had they make me really sad.At the time when people told me it would get better I could never imagine how I would be feeling now. However I really wish I'd got help during pregnancy as I let it fester and it got worse and worse and then I spiralled after he was born. Please please get help, try some medication. Honestly it saved my life. Life is pure happiness now and I am so content. I am here if you want to talk

BasiliskStare · 09/03/2023 21:43

I can understand not wanting medication , many people instinctively don't , but sometimes it really really helps. Please don't dismiss going to see a doctor about medication which could help. . Given how you are feeling it must be worth a try surely.

honeybunsleo · 09/04/2023 14:49

RLL · 02/02/2023 19:07

Hello, I'm 29 y/o, and 27 weeks pregnant with my first child. It was a planned and wanted Pregnancy with my husband following a very upset miscarriage last year. However antenatal depression has hit me hard. I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life getting pregnant. I don't want to the baby. I have no bond with it, I have no desire to keep it. I wish I had an abortion when I could have, but I didn't out of not wanting to upset family who say they love it already etc. I cry myself to sleep most nights, I cry to and from work in the car. I've told my husband I want to give it up for adoption, he doesn't want to. I said I think it will have to be a choice, either me or the baby stays, and he awkwardly made clear he couldn't give up the baby, so that means I'd have to go. I dream about being pregnant and deciding to end my life (I wouldn't do this in real life), I've dreamt that I gave it up for adoption and I was so happy and relieved. I never ever thought I'd feel this way, I could never imagine leaving my child after being a child myself who's dad abandoned me and didn't want me, but for the first time in my life I can understand why he left, because I want to leave my own.

Everyone says it's just the hormones and when it's here I'll love it and will want it, but I just don't see that happening.

Tried CBT therapy and thought it was absolutely useless and I don't want medication.

Did anyone else feel the same and have a happy outcome?

How are you doing? Xx

ApparentlyGeriatric · 04/07/2023 10:11

Sending lots of support and solidarity.

If you're comfortable doing so ask your MW about the mental health MW team - I was referred to them with my first pregnancy and it was such a huge support. I didn't need it for the second. Might do again for the third!

I am also on medication for anxiety - have been for YEARS and I get significantly worse during pregnancy (hormones, yay). It's not the end of the world (it took me a long time to build up to trying it) to be on medication and it's been a total game changer for me. Might also be worth exploring some talking therapy.

But solutions aside, just sending a lot of solidarity and letting you know that we hear you and your thoughts and you're not a terrible person for having them. Be as kind to yourself as you can.

Michah89 · 14/11/2023 23:11

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ExplodingSmittens · 15/11/2023 07:43

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I cannot begin to think how devastating having your baby was. Have you found the Stillborn Section yet? It's under Body and Soul.

The OP was clearly very mentally unwell when she wrote this and I don't think it will do either of you any good discussing how you are feeling on this thread Flowers

Michah89 · 15/11/2023 10:47

Just saying some ppl don't no how lucky they are

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