Regret how anxious I was in newborn days

[Newmumsos]

Hi wonderful mums - first time posting here. Looking for some advice or just to hear that others have gone through the same thing.

Essentially my husband and I planned to have our baby, fell pregnant in a few months, pregnancy was great, I was super healthy, we have amazing friends and family, I’ve always been very positive and loved life really (very lucky I know), good jobs, nice holidays etc etc and then BAM, I had the baby and it was like my brain changed when I left the hospital. I couldn’t stop crying for the first 2 weeks and it’s only just now (baby now 4 months) that I’ve stopped crying daily. It took a long time for me to fall in love with my baby which truly shocked me and I felt selfish etc. I felt so scared that I couldn’t look after the baby and scared my life was over. Im not sure why I had never had these thoughts before. I ended up feeling hugely overwhelmed by every little thing and barely slept the first few weeks as I was so overcome with anxiety (not anxiety worrying about the baby but anxiety about what my life had become and how I was going to cope and the feeling of loneliness) I ended up relying on family to help me a lot and from them, I slowly learnt to love my baby and learnt how to look after him. Husband was amazing but was hard for him. Didn’t help that baby had reflux but I think I made the situation a lot more depressing than it needed to be. I spoke to my friends about it and told them how I was feeling and they were so supportive but I maybe never let on quite how bad I was feeling. It was like (and still is some days) I was seeing the world in a whole new miserable filter. I didn’t ever go to the GP but reading up I think I definitely had/have post natal anxiety and pot really depression. Four months later I now adore my baby and know everything is going to be ok and I have really happy days. I don’t know if it’s hormones but I still feel really low some days which I’ve never felt in my whole life, but I’m having much better days now. At my most overwhelmed, in the night I felt so anxious that I thought about how to kill myself which sounds so crazy now as I feel so much better, but the horrible sickness and anxious feeling was just too much. I didn’t ever tell anyone that I wanted to end it and I always knew deep down I would never do anything. Alongside all of this I love as always loving and positive with my baby but it felt like I was acting (I’m a primary school teacher and I know the importance of bonding so I did all the things I knew I should do like smiling and singing to my baby but I felt like I was removed from the situation and like I didn’t really love him deep down)

However, I’m left with a huge feeling of guilt and upset and potentially shame about the first 3 months of my baby’s life. Im normally someone who makes the most of everything and I feel like I just wasted that time. As a small example I have so many gorgeous newborn photos of my baby that I never shared on social media (I normally share a few photos on insta) as I just felt so overwhelmed. I didn’t reply to messages, I didn’t connect with people at baby groups like I normally would have, I was just a wreck.

I know there will be other mums out there who have gone through this and I want to hug you all as it was just so hard. Does anyone have any advice? Do you think I should have talking therapy so I can process it?! Or is it just normal and I should just focus on the future? Do you think it’s hormonal or should I go to the GP? Thank you in advance!

Welcome to motherhood and with that comes guilt! You will feel guilty from here on in (light hearted).

Mine are now teens. If I’m cross with them I look at old baby and toddler videos and remember what wonderful little people they are and resolve to be better, be more present, listen, not give out…

the baby won’t remember the first 3 months, so don’t beat yourself up. Being s new parent is a huge learning curve. If you feel you need more support talk to your GP or health visitor. You are not alone, this is not unusual.

be kind to yourself, babies are tedious (my opinion). Be as present as you can be and just know guilt is now part of being a parent.

You are not alone. many have been there before you and will be there after you.

congratulations on your lovely child.

I feel like I could have written your post. My baby is 9 months but I felt like this until she was 5 months. I felt like a weight have lifted but I still spoke to a gp about how I was feeling.

Everyone talks about the rush of emotion and love you feel when your baby is born but not enough people talk openly about the scared, lonely feeling. I remember being panicked to be alone with my baby. I couldn’t change her nappy without someone else being there with me. I breasted at first but then had to change to formula. I felt relieved that my dh could take her and feed her. I cried so much when he returned to work. Now I look back and feel like I was robbed of the newborn stage. I feel I missed out on so much with my baby and I do still feel so incredibly guilty. My baby is my world but I openly feel like I failed her for the first few months.

I think it helps others to share this feeling as now I don’t feel so alone and guilty and realise it was out of my control. I think there is such pressure on new parents to feel perfect and get it right and sadly I do blame social media for it. I felt like I compared muself
to others (which I know is only my fault) but to me their life seemed perfect and easy. I know it’s only a snapshot into other people’s lives but I now share the real life of having a baby and try talk openly about my
feelings.

You were present and there for your baby in the fourth trimester. It sounds like you did everything right (except for ask for more help and not judge yourself.)

The first time you have a newborn baby it's an absolute shit show. Nothing can really prepare you for that, even the instantly bonded mums without PND are a hormonal, sleep deprived wreck. Plenty of days are just about survival and being there when the baby needs you. I basically lost the ability to speak in sentences and maybe went to about 3 baby groups in total in the first year.

I'm sorry you've had a particularly tough time, don't feel bad about it though. As you meet more mums you'll see how relatable it is and this glossy idea of what it should be is a myth or a bad joke. Even those that don't have the mental health issues have their share of anxious times and issues.

You can't change the past but you can embrace the future, just don't set yourself up for a fall. For every lovely picture of a family day out there's usually plenty of tantrums, poo dramas, nap timing catastrophes etc but it's all in a life. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need

Hello, I felt just like you describe, and as things improved I felt guilty that I had ruined my "special time" with my newborn. But really mat leave isn't a blissful time of Instagram photos, for most people it's a bit shit. It's a lot of hard work, stress, exhaustion and constant judgement. Yes there are good bits and I suggest you enjoy those and just get through the rest as best you can.

Please do speak to your GP though, it's great you are feeling better but if you hit a big sleep regression you might feel worse again and it's better to have a chat now about what help is available etc.

I'm now quite a few years down the line and I can assure you that those first few months are now just a blur and totally insignificant to me, they haven't affected my son or our relationship in any way.

By the way I never felt the "rush of love" either. With DC1 I felt really guilty about it and really stressed out about not being a good enough parent. With DC2 I remember thinking "well I do love you, but not as much as DC1" 😂

I love them both completely and equally now of course!!

Thank you so so much for your replies you lovely ladies xx