Closure needed for prenatal and postnatal depression

[needclosure]

I hope this is the right area to post in. I was hoping to find an existing post to help me but I could not find any similar questions on Mumsnet.

I suffered from severe prenatal depression during my second pregnancy and severe postnatal depression after the birth (both were worse than my first pregnancy). Despite the pregnancy being planned and wanted, I spent most of the time (after 15 weeks) refusing to acknowledge the pregnancy and being very angry and tearful. When I look at my one year old now I am heartbroken to be reminded that I didn't want them.

The first year has been a bit of a blur. I struggled with juggling the demands of a 2 year old and newborn, especially with the lack of sleep (my youngest is still a terrible sleeper). We were also undergoing major house renovations which added to the stress! I spent a lot of the time angry, tearful and with suicidal thoughts. My husband was an amazing rock who stuck by me, despite my best efforts to try to leave him. I feel incredibly guilty for what I have put him through, the lack of patience I showed towards my older child and the struggle to bond with my youngest baby. The depression has robbed me of a lot of precious moments with my young family.

I have received wonderful support from my local perinatal team but I am struggling to get closure for my behaviour and actions. I can't relate to the person I became - it frightens me.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you come to terms with what happened and move on?

[35965a]

I think it’s just about recognising that you were ill, really. You wouldn’t feel bad about having a broken leg, you shouldn’t feel bad about your depression, although I completely understand what you mean. Many of us have been there. You made steps to get support and that’s a really hard thing to do. You should be proud of yourself. Parenting is really hard, it’s even more difficult when you’re ill. I think it’s really important not to dwell on the negative as it breeds more. Forgive yourself.

[needclosure]

Thank you so much for replying so quickly. My counsellor also used the example of a broken leg. What you say makes sense, but it is difficult to relate the two, since a broken leg would (hopefully) not have completely changed my personality and negatively impacted so many people for so long. I wish I could erase the whole experience. I'm hoping with time the guilt will fade. I would love to hear from others who have made peace and moved forward. It will give me hope that things will improve for me.