Closure needed for prenatal and postnatal depression

[needclosure]

I hope this is the right area to post in. I was hoping to find an existing post to help me but I could not find any similar questions on Mumsnet.

I suffered from severe prenatal depression during my second pregnancy and severe postnatal depression after the birth (both were worse than my first pregnancy). Despite the pregnancy being planned and wanted, I spent most of the time (after 15 weeks) refusing to acknowledge the pregnancy and being very angry and tearful. When I look at my one year old now I am heartbroken to be reminded that I didn't want them.

The first year has been a bit of a blur. I struggled with juggling the demands of a 2 year old and newborn, especially with the lack of sleep (my youngest is still a terrible sleeper). We were also undergoing major house renovations which added to the stress! I spent a lot of the time angry, tearful and with suicidal thoughts. My husband was an amazing rock who stuck by me, despite my best efforts to try to leave him. I feel incredibly guilty for what I have put him through, the lack of patience I showed towards my older child and the struggle to bond with my youngest baby. The depression has robbed me of a lot of precious moments with my young family.

I have received wonderful support from my local perinatal team but I am struggling to get closure for my behaviour and actions. I can't relate to the person I became - it frightens me.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you come to terms with what happened and move on?

I think it’s just about recognising that you were ill, really. You wouldn’t feel bad about having a broken leg, you shouldn’t feel bad about your depression, although I completely understand what you mean. Many of us have been there. You made steps to get support and that’s a really hard thing to do. You should be proud of yourself. Parenting is really hard, it’s even more difficult when you’re ill. I think it’s really important not to dwell on the negative as it breeds more. Forgive yourself.

Thank you so much for replying so quickly. My counsellor also used the example of a broken leg. What you say makes sense, but it is difficult to relate the two, since a broken leg would (hopefully) not have completely changed my personality and negatively impacted so many people for so long. I wish I could erase the whole experience. I'm hoping with time the guilt will fade. I would love to hear from others who have made peace and moved forward. It will give me hope that things will improve for me.