losing hope with pnd

[livinginhope9]

i have pnd, so the doctors and perinatal mh people say. I’ve been sad, anxious, no interest in things I used to find joy in, and just pretty hopeless

i have a beautiful baby girl who I wanted more than anything. I am taking medication to try and get myself better but I don’t know how taking a pill is going to make me feel the love for baby that I imagined I would do

i care for her, smile when she smiles, sometimes laugh at her little quirks. But for the most part I feel numb and worried about the lack of intense feelings I have for her. Infact, sometimes I can’t feel anything. So I spend my time being tortured by this awful horrible gut wrenching feeling of sadness and confusion. It shouldn’t be like this .

i have read through threads and threads on here, people saying it will come but I just can’t see how taking a tablet will make me feel that way. She is a beautiful, good baby full of a little personality already. I am not stressed with looking after her, I meet all her needs. I am sleeping well (thanks to my partner) but this sadness has clouded over everything and I feel like the damage has already been done.

i can not stop thinking about this. I just know I can’t live my life feeling this way. The guilt is unbareable. I have failed. I feel like a robot going through the motions everyday.

this feels like torture. I have spent the past two years grieving for someone I loved so deeply. I had to go on anti depressants and then I came off them when I was pregnant because I finally felt back to myself . I told myself that when this baby arrived it would fill the hole that had been left and I had been missing and I would give them all of the love I could no longer give my family

i just can’t cope with these feelings (or lack of) anymore. I’m sat watching her with my partner now and I could just cry. She deserves better than me and so does he

I was you 4 years ago. It will be ok. You have made the exact right steps in seeking medication & talking about how you feel. The medication I was on took 6 weeks to fully kick in. You're adjusting massively in every way, please be kind to yourself. I had a traumatic time with my daughter as she was in ICU, so I suffered with PTSD & PND. I remember thinking.. what the fuck? Every minute of every day & just not knowing why I didn't feel the way you 'should' feel but I promise you you are not alone. Hang on in there OP. Be proud of yourself for getting the help ❤️

I was you four years ago too! Exactly as you described, a robot, numb, couldn't feel anything, couldn't see how anything would help me love my baby or even believe he was mine. A horrible, surreal, grim time (it was this time of year too which was particularly awful in the dark).
Guess what? I love my baby now! Took maybe a whole year to truly feel it, but I did. Not how I imagined, maybe, but a strong strong love none the less. You won't believe it now, I never believed it, but you will feel good again. Happy, loving, good.
You have to grit your teeth and keep living until it gets good again. Which is so hard to do. But if you can believe it will one day get good again (and it has for so many of us) then you can do this.
I needed- medication, therapy, help with bonding with my baby (no rush of love for me or so many people), exercise, sleep, friends, fun, time alone, plans for the future to make me feel something like good. But it will come xx