Hello everyone. This is my first message on mumsnet a am looking for non judgmental advice and to vent a bit. Thank you for taking the time to hear me. I recently took a pregnancy test and found that I am 3+ weeks pregnant. I really want to be positive and happy about this but all I feel is negativity and I dont know what to do.
I never knew for sure if I wanted to be a mother and have a family. My husband and I were together a long time before I fell pregnant with my daughter (now 5). She wasn’t planned but we weren’t trying either. We just stopped using protection. I thought I going through early menopause and I had fiends that had been trying for so long to get pregnant with no success and I thought getting pregnant seems harder than I thought so maybe I’m using birth control for nothing. I also thought if I did soon want to start a family I would be leaving it too late. I was 32. To our surprise I got pregnant very fast. I feel guilty about this as so many women would love to be in that situation and I got it easily and wasn’t even sure if I wanted it! I know it’s a stupid way of thinking but I thought becoming pregnant might change how I feel about things.
My first pregnancy was filled with anxiety. I barely slept. Worrying about the health of the baby and how I would cope at being a mum. I never was great with children but hoped having my own would be different.
Apart from the anxiety and lack of sleep the pregnancy was fine. Again I was lucky! We were also in a better financial position then. I was working and were able to pay for extra tests and scans to help my anxiety. The birth was a different story! The one thing I had convinced myself I could do well and was feeling quite positive about went so badly and I ended up with a traumatic emergency C section after forceps and pushing. I had pre eclampsia during labour which caused a difficult delivery and a week stay in hospital after. As well as a lot of anxiety and testing after.
But my daughter was healthy which was the main thing. But she would not sleep. At all. I was determined to only breastfeed, which went well but meant I was up all night. And she fed constantly at night. The no sleeping went on for ages and would not get better. It’s like I had no time to actually recover after the trauma of her birth. And I was sleep deprived during pregnancy too. I thought I was going mad. I felt to resentful and angry and sad and that I ruined my life. I had some therapy and I was prescribed anti depressants but I chose not to take them. Things slowly started to get better as my daughter (and I) got more sleep. By a year I had stopped breastfeeding and she was sleeping through. Though she still slept a lot less than other babies her age at least we were both usually getting a full nights sleep.
Now at 5 she is quite a handful! Funny and assertive but also disobedient and cheeky. And often times really difficult to manage. She of often in trouble at school for not listening or being too rough with other children or just generally doing things she shouldn’t be. It’s much the same at home. I feel like I have failed as mum. I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I spoiled her.
For so long we said no to any more children. We live in a tiny 2 bedroom terraced cottage and it already feels cramped with my husband mostly working from home. I haven’t worked apart from a few cover shifts for the company I used to work for since my daughter was born. I feel like I don’t to enough.
My daughter has been asking for a little sister. Tried to explain you can’t choose a sister over a brother! But she really wants a sibling like most of her friends have. I feel so guilty that she hasn’t got one. So we did what we did last time! And would you know it, pregnant again!
This time the anxiety is so much worse though and I am not sure if I want to go through with the pregnancy.
For one our financial situation is not as good. I have been out of work for so long and was looking into getting back into it part time while my daughter is at school. But if I have another baby that may not happen for another 5 years! We would want to move as our house is so small. My daughter still has sleep problems so I wouldn’t want her disturbed all night by a crying baby. The stress of moving alone makes me feel sick. I do not cope well with stress!
I also worry about getting pre e again and if being worse this time and I will die and leave my daughter without a mother.
I worry what another child will be like and how I will cope and how my daughter will cope. If there is any major health problem with the baby that means I have to sacrifice my daughters quality of life to be a full time carer I will feel so awful and I just don’t think I could cope. I already almost went mad with a healthy child not being able to sleep and with her difficult behaviour. If I had a child that needed round the clock care (after the baby stage) and severe behavioural problems then I don’t think I couldn’t cope! I am just not that strong or good of a person. I know the risk of there being an issue is low but I will convince myself that it is definitely going to happen to me. I am the same with flights, obsessing my plane will crash! It just seems like the risk is too big and it will ruin all of our lives. I know that sounds awful but it’s how I feel. I have read stories by parents affected by these things and I just don’t think I could cope. My daughter wouldn’t cope. She is already a handful on her own with no Heath or behavioural issues.
Maybe I’m just a terrible person and an awful mother. More reasons I should not go through with this pregnancy. I know I sound so full of self putty and for nothing and ungrateful. I just don’t know what to do to stop feeling this way and feel happy.
I had been feeling down for a while anyway with worrying about my daughter’s behaviour and nervous about getting back into work. I thought maybe pregnancy news might give me something positive to focus on but it has made to so much worse! Why do I do such stupid things!?