Confused and pregnant. Will I ever be “Me” again.

[RiriM]

I would never have been ready for a baby, If it wasn’t for this pandemic. I am not sure if want to be mum, at the same time I do want my baby and have warm feelings about my pregnancy.

I am in the second trimester, it was planned and after one miscarriage. I even got obsessed with ovulation and temperature tracking and I got pregnant (again) on second try.

I am both excited and scared. I was so happy to see my baby at the first scan, my partner had happy tiers in his eyes. He is happy and ready to be a dad. He is caring and took on all of the housework while I was sick in the first trimester. I think I did this more for him than for me. I thought it’s not a big deal, I like playing with other people’s kids.

I used to go out all the time, I felt most like myself in the middle of a club dancing. I loved the freedom to travel anywhere and just have fun. That all changed in a day last year in March. I am scared I will never be “me” again after all this and having a baby. I am finding it hard reading all the pregnancy advice “mother and baby”. I don’t like being referred to as a mother, I am my own person. I don’t like to be just someone’s mother. I don’t worry I will be a bad mum, I worry mostly I don’t want to be a good mum. My mum dedicated her life on her children, I don’t want to do that. I want to still have my own life, not just family life.

That’s too overwhelming. Will everything change completely when I have this baby? How do I find my pre-pandemic self after having a baby?

What do I do if the baby is born and I regret changing my life? Will I love it enough so that it overcomes the loss of my previous self?

Not sure what I am looking for here - has anyone else felt the same?

Hiya I’ve written a post similar. Currently 11 weeks pregnant and feeling trapped and terribly anxious. Again this is a planned pregnancy but can’t help thinking what have I done!! I used to feel so free. No advice here for you but letting you know that I’m in the same situation and feeling the same way so I hope you feel less alone now as I know how lonely it can feel sometimes. Take care x

Yea I completely understand how you feel. The thing is somedays you are going to feel better. Somedays you will feel so fed up of being pregnant and then all the negative thoughts are all on your mind. I'm 38+5 weeks now. I have moved to another country since April. I have been staying at home almost everyday since 36 weeks. Just worried my labor is starting anytime. I have given up my hobbies for being pregnant plus I miss my parents back home. It's very boring.
I used to be quite active before being pregnant. Now I'm like a lazy pig lying around at home. Sleeping is difficult because you get so sore all the time. Just wanna let you know it's going to be more challenging when you become more pregnant. It's very normal to have regrets and doubts about the whole thing. But hang in there. We will get there. I think talking openly to your partner about your feeling helps a lot. If somedays you wanna cry just cry it out! It's not an easy journey!

Hi Op

Huge congratulations.

I got pregnant in 2019. It was planned but like you I also had a bit of meltdown about being me. I had a busy life and was used to going out and about alone . I suddenly had a panic about how that would change and loosing my own identity.

My DS arrived in the summer last year and I can say that whilst the first few weeks with a newborn are intense I've loved every minute.

I still go out. DH and I make sure we both have time to do the things we love and we both get baby free time. We also do lots of things we used to with DS. I utterly adore DS but I still feel like me. It's absolutely possible to find a balance.

My wise mum once said to me that a baby joins your life and I have tried to take that advice as much as possible and I would say it's worked

Congratulations OP.
Lots of people have these sorts of feelings, it’s impossible to visualise how you will feel once the baby is here - not least because Mother Nature has lots of tricks to help you that haven’t kicked in yet - your hormones + babies are deliberately cute. Sorry if that sounds trite but we have evolved that way and for most of f us that’s what happens. I think you will want to be a good mum when your baby is here.
You will still be you when the baby is here but you will also be a mum. Not you replaced by a mum but you AND a mum. Of course there will be times when you feel less than 100% happy and at first it’s pretty weird - but you probably already had those before being pg. You probably will feel different- but we change through our lives anyway, you aren’t the same as you were when you were a child and you will continue to change.

How old are you? It sounds like you will miss clubbing- but most people ‘grow out’ of that sort of thing anyway. And even if you don’t you can still go - your partner can stay with the baby.

Congratulations!

I could have written this in 2014. It’s normal to feel like this, and in many ways, shows just how serious about being a great parent. Please just be kind to yourself and remember that things all work out in the end.

I can reassure that you will definitely feel like ‘you’ again. Initially, that may mean small wins such as 5 mins a day for coffee in peace etc, but no doubt you and your partner will settle into a routine where you all spend time together, but also allow each other space to go and do things alone. It’s very important actually, as it’ll ensure you look after yourself/ mental health.

As time goes by, you’ll find that things become increasingly easier to manage by the way. We do loads of activities as a family, couple, individually (we have one), and have a cracking balance.

You’ll be absolutely fine, promise.

Came across this post I am worried about sane things ... did things get better for you ? Any advice ? Thankyou

I felt like this in 2021 for about the first 16 weeks so was looking at this post then. I didn't feel ready and thought about all the things I would miss from my life pre-baby and wishing things were different. This was despite having always wanted a baby and being in a good place for it, so I found it hard to understand. Anyway fast forward to now, my baby is 7 months and she is amazing. I absolutely love being a mum, it felt natural pretty quickly when she arrived, I wouldn't want my life any other way now, even though it is quite different to before. The first two months were tough while I adjusted, but it takes time to learn to be a mum for the first time, there's nothing wrong with that. It's the best feeling now, hold in there, feel what you need to feel but know things change and hormones can be your worst enemy sometimes in the mix of it all! X

Thankyou for your reply I appreciate it

Talk to people and reach out, don't suffer with it by yourself, it's a really common feeling and I promise you wont be alone xx