Help my partner with birth trauma

[Dadding]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for advice with how to support my partner after birth trauma.

Our baby was born 9 months ago. We opted for a home birth and everything was going well. The midwives and our doula all thought he was about to join us, then he got stuck. After trying everything, we eventually transferred to the hospital. My partner was very upset about this as she had done all she could possibly do to avoid this as she was very anxious about a hospital birth.

We arrived at the hospital in the middle of the night. The first midwife was quite respectful, but then things started to get worse. The doctor and the following midwives were not interested in our birth preferences or wishes. After many hours of trying different approaches, eventually we were told we needed to try delivery with forceps, and if that didn't work then a c-section would be necessary. Things escalated very quickly at this point. My partner was taken into surgery, and then I was taken in to sit next to her. The doctors tried forceps, but quickly told us this wasn't working and the c-section was necessary. I tried to comfort my partner as she was very scared. I was terrified. My partner asked me if she would get skin to skin with him straight away. I said yes because I thought she would, having read and learned about this in our birth prep. Before I knew it, I was told to stand up so I could watch my son being born. I didn't know what to do because it felt desperately unfair that my partner would be the last person in the room to see our son. But I did what I was told and watched. Before we knew it, he was being bundled up and taken out of the room. I asked why she wasn't getting skin to skin with him. We were given the reason that he needed to be taken into a warm space (we have since spoken to a number of people about this and there is no reason why this needed to happen. He was healthy, they knew he was healthy - he scored 9 on the apgar test) Very quickly he was being taken out of the room and I was told to follow him. Once again, I didn't know what to do - go with our newborn son to be with him in his first few minutes in the world, or stay with my partner who was devastated. Once again, I did what I was told to do and went to be with our son. After a few minutes I could take him back through to the surgery and to my partner. She wasn't allowed to hold him so she had to lie on the surgery bed while I held him. Eventually she was taken through to the recovery room and got skin to skin with him.

Of course this was a very traumatic experience for both of us, but especially my partner. She is angry because of the way we were treated in the hospital. But she is also very angry at me for not making more of a stand and stopping them from taking our son away and giving her those precious first few moments of skin to skin. She has lost faith in me as someone who will stand up for her when she needs me most.

I'm utterly heartbroken and feel awful for not doing more to stand up for her. I've apologised many times, but it's not enough. She says I need to make amends but I'm struggling to know what to do. I know she need support to deal with the trauma, and I know I've not been giving her what she needs. I wonder if anyone here might be able to suggest some things I could try.

I am so sorry for what you've both been through. It sounds like she might benefit from a bit of post natal counselling.

There was a post on a thread just a few weeks ago where a midwife said how important it was nmfor newborns to be warned up immediately- the cold air of operating theatres especially can shock them into respiratory arrest - so I think they did the best thing for your child.

Good communication between health care professionals and patients is crucial for many reasons, trauma responses being an important one. I wonder if it would help her to write down everything and go and have a long chat with her gp about it as a starting point?

Just to try and reassure you, I had a planned C section for medical reasons and they took my baby away for a few minutes, then my husband held him, then in recovery I had skin to skin. I didn't question it at the time as it was a high risk pregnancy/birth and I was just focused on him arriving safely into the world and me not dying! This was 12 years ago so I've no idea if things are the same now. Obviously you and your partner understandably had certain expectations which didn't happen and I can see that counselling would definitely help you both, but also I would urge you to focus on the positive outcome which could have been very different by the sounds of it. I hope you can find some support with this.

If she feels that she needs to know the answers to questions about what went wrong and why the hospital did not/could not follow her birth plan she will probably need to ask for a birth reflections session at the hospital. This is where a specially trained midwife will go through the hospital notes with her or both of you. The problem is that going through such a process can drag everything back up and re-traumatise someone with birth trauma. The recommended methods of helping birth trauma are EMDR therapy or CBT with the best results coming from EMDR. With an APGAR of 9 I can't see a reason the baby couldn't have been placed on your partner's chest very soon after birth. It is best practice to do so but some hospitals don't follow best practice. You could always make a complaint and ask for their justification.

Most hospitals offer a "debriefing" discussion for parents to discuss what happened during the labour and birth. They normally review records and the reasons for why certain things happened. Discussing what happened and why can be a first step in dealing with what happened. If you contact the midwifery service at the hospital that cared for her, they should be able to put you in contact with someone that could provide a reflection on what happened. It may be a helpful to explore this option initially

I think there are 3 things to consider here
your partners trauma
your trauma - feeling helpless and scared
the relationship between the two of you- her anger with you and your feelings of guilt
actually, there are more than three because there is also the relationship you both have with your baby.
it might be helpful to ask to debrief the birth with a midwife, many hospitals can help with this, and it will help you understand why various things happened
another thing would be to consider some kind of joint counselling
best of luck to all 3 of you

You're both traumatised. You were both vulnerable in that situation. Neither of you foresaw what would happen with the birth so couldn't have planned how to react. It's terrifying when it doesn't go to plan. But you need to unite in that trauma and maybe agree that if in that situation again you'd handle things differently. If your baby is safe and healthy try to focus on that for now.

I missed the part in the baby book about emergency c-sections because I didn't think it would happen to me. It took a long time to come to terms with the fact I couldn't feel my baby be taken out of my womb, I just heard a cry from the other side of the room and was shown a baby, it didn't feel natural, I felt utterly helpless. But with time I came to accept that they saved my baby and me and it was the only way to have him. My DH was probably just as traumatized as me but in a different way, he only explained his feelings of helplessness some time later. With subsequent deliveries we were much more prepared. Parenthood is a long long journey and you'll come to accept how it started if you listen to each other and acknowledge how you both felt at the time.

I don’t think you did anything wrong and I think you should stop feeling guilty and stop apologising.

OP it seems very unfair that you find yourself in the situation of trying to do what you thought was expected of you for your partners and newborn baby. It's tough when things don't go to plan during labour. Sometimes parents get a certain idea of what they would like their labour to be like, ice cubes, wooly socks, whale music and serenity. Sadly what you want, and what you get are two different things. When difficulties arise, it's often unfortunate that you as parents get very little input, the reason for that is the birthing team need to do what's best for mum, and the unborn baby. Often minutes are crucial, there's no time for updates, or trying to follow birth plans. It's horrible when you feel torn between doing what you should, and doing what you are told to do. Many people speak to family/ friends etc about things following the birth, and think they've been treated/ or cheated differently to others. Every birth is different! I've had 8, and every one of my labours was different. I would do as PP have suggested and try and get a debriefing session arranged, and see if that helps. I don't see how you can stand up for someone, or make amends for a situation that neither of you had any control over. Your partner asking you to 'make it all good' is asking you to do the impossible. It is tough, but maybe if your partner focused on the fact that you have a healthy, happy baby and that was down to intervention from people with experience, and the best interest of your little family at heart.
I hope you do manage to find the help and support through this, a baby born during Covid situations won't have helped. All the best.

Your partner needs to ask for a debriefing. I had a traumatic event with the birth of my first baby, and a midwife visited me at home a month or so afterwards and went through it all with me.
You both seem to have been very focused on your plan, and getting the birth you wanted, but you can plan all you like and things still go awry. There is a third person in this, your child, and babies can and do get stuck, labours stop, all kinds of emergencies can happen. Birth is out of your control in many ways, hardly anyone gets the birth they imagined when they did their birth plan. It is random and therefore frightening. It doesn’t sound as though any mistakes were made, more that your partner was totally unprepared for a very medical birth and so it was traumatic and shocking, as many births are.
I think if she understands why things happened as they did she might come to terms with this.
Also time, and talking to other women, helps.

I would caution against automatically going for a debriefing or birth reflections without considering whether this would serve the purpose your partner feels is necessary to help her come to terms with terms or cold with her experience not birth. Sometimes it helps but sometimes it makes matters worse.

Not your fault you have done nothing wrong, your partner needs counselling ASAP and needs to stop blaming you the hospital did what they had to to save baby and mother, birth plans go out of the window when a life us in danger she needs to understand this

Also try to focus on the fact that in a different era this would have had a very different outcome. Thanks to modern medicine you have a wife and baby still here. Feeling angry with the medical team in this situation is misplaced.
Personally I found that my second birth was a healing process. That didn’t go as hoped either, as I really wanted a normal delivery, but I had been prepared by my consultant and midwife for what might lead to a second c-section, and there wasn’t a repeat of the traumatic situation in birth one.

Looking at my friends, there has been a huge variety of births, some dramatic events that would have been fatal in the past, some astonishing events (one friend gave birth alone in a remote cottage while her DH cycled to get the midwife), some births ridiculously easy. It has never been predictable who would get what. None of this is your fault , or your wife’s fault. Birth can be a massive shock for many women as it is often the first time we face a potentially life threatening event. What is a regular occurrence for medical staff can be a once in a lifetime event for a woman, and take time to get over.

You didn’t do anything wrong so please stop feeling guilty. Births, very often, are not what you planned. My birth plan went out of the window and I couldn’t control anything. Sounds like your wife had a very idyllic picture of birth and was not prepared for changes in birth plan. Probably it’s quite rare that it goes as you planned. When doctors need to do a job and health matters, there’s no time to look at birth plans.

Hi OP, I had to comment on this.
Bluntly, your partner is being unfair. You were not in any way to blame for the fact that your baby was taken away to be warmed up. They were doing what they thought was best for the baby in the circumstances. The fact that your partner did not get the first few moments of skin to skin was probably the final straw for her, given that everything else in the birth went off-plan. However it was not your fault.

As many posters have said, birth often does not go to 'plan'. You say that none of your preferences were respected, but the thing is, you already were not having a home birth because the baby had got stuck. What preferences exactly were not respected? Your preference not to have forceps, or a c-section, or another intervention? Those interventions would have been suggested to try to ensure the safe delivery of the baby and the health of the mother. I'm not downplaying how important it is that delivery staff are empathetic to women and birth partners, but at the same time, it wasn't the case that you'd move from a home birth to a midwife unit. You are transferred from a home birth because they're worried about you and your baby.

Again, to speak bluntly, the baby got stuck. That was not your wife's fault. It was just what happened. It happens often, hence forceps and c-sections. If we didn't have those interventions today, women and babies would die in childbirth. I'm sorry to speak brutally, and I speak as somebody who had a really traumatic birth and needed therapy and help afterwards, but fundamentally, that is what it comes down to, and picking over the birth isn't helping your partner. I think she needs help and support from medical professionals - there is only so much you can do. It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault.

I think, to be blunt, that your partner needs to get a grip. You can plan what you like but unfortunately, births rarely adhere perfectly to the plan. Surely the important thing is that both mum and baby are healthy and alive? Most definitely a third world problem here (speaking as a mum of three who has had ‘eventful’ and long births!) I hope this doesn’t come across as rude, that isn’t my intention. Please stop apologising though, y to pu we’re hardly going to start Causing a scene in the operating theatre whilst the team were saving your son and partner’s life.

*you were

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You have nothing to apologise for. You did the right thing by following your baby out of the room. I don’t quite understand this emphasis of your partner on skin to skin. She got that. Many births don’t go to plan, because they can’t be planned. Your parent and child are alive, whereas they may not have been otherwise without the C section. It sounds like she and you might need some counselling.

Partner, not parent.

Sometimes I wonder if all these hypnobirthing books and courses are doing women a bit of a disservice. It sounds like there wasn't really anything that the medical staff did wrong – it wasn't safe for the birth to proceed at home, and then they followed the pathway to deliver the baby safely. No one wants an emergency C-section - I'd drunk the hypnobirthing Kool Aid myself a bit and thought that it would be the worst thing in the world. But actually, it seems really unimportant now. I get that birth is an 'experience' but at the end of the day it's also a dangerous and sometimes life-threatening health event and at some point you need to stop worrying about tea lights and mantras and just focus on getting the baby out and healthy in the best way for you both.

I don't generally like to do the 'Well at least your baby is safe and well' thing, because birth trauma is real and does happen. But in this case, it seems to be more about not really understanding or being prepared for what is a fairly common occurrence with first babies than being mistreated or badly injured in any way. Someone in the group for my first baby on here had a stillbirth at 40 weeks, and that really put into perspective how little of a shit I ended up giving about how my DD came into the world. She was healthy and alive and thank god for it. It's fine to be disappointed that the birth wasn't what she expected, but it wasn't anyone's fault. Midwives and consultants don't make decisions to take the baby away just to spite people or for no reason.

Please don't be heartbroken. Your partner is well, the baby is well. The experience is not what either of you might have wished and this is not uncommon with a first baby.

We need to think back a few decades and remember that skin-to-skin and many other things that now seem essential simply did not exist in anyone's mind, and our mothers and grandmothers were grateful that there were interventions that saved their lives and their children's.

I am not being hard-hearted here, but the first few weeks of a baby's life are so precious - they grow so fast and you will never get them back.

Please try not to waste them in recriminations and looking backwards.

Birth plans are a mixed blessing - they open up the way for disappointment where none should be.