I am about 18 weeks pregnant with my third child. I have 2 boys. 1 and 3 years old. I'm not too sure how far along I am b/c I haven't been to see my OB yet; as I've been procrastinating. This pregnancy was completely unexpected. I decided not to have any more and even was giving maternity clothes/books/baby things away up until the day I found out. I'm just dreading it really. I was coming into my independence again and now I have to do it all over again.

I had ppd with both my pregnancies and now I think I may have it now but I'm always miserable really so I may have a chronic disorder. I can't wait until the day my sahm days are over. The quarantine makes it no better. I leave the house months at a time and I'm starting to get bored but I have no where to go anyway. I just quit school because last semester wore me down. I was so exhausted studying all night after dealing with my 1 year who won't go or stay asleep. I am in the middle of sleep training and it seems to be going well for him but I'm so use to sleeping 2/3am and even later that I just toss and turn all night. Now he's waking up at 6am and I'm just hating life. Most days I just lay on the couch and buy the kids toys to play with because I barely have any energy for them besides the necessary basics. More and more now I can not even stand consoling them and I'm starting to yell at them to be quiet when they are throwing their tantrums. The crying just makes my head spin. It's just getting hard to be around them anymore. They may have some type of behaviorial/ cognitive issues. They are both speech delayed. My 1st is catching up but my 2nd can only say maybe 3 words, but that's probably my fault. Then they don't want to eat, don't want to share or play with each other and if they do it always ends up getting too agressive; even though they aren't mean/ bad children. They don't even hit but I just don't think they like each other very much. My oldest is way too bossy and handles his brother to roughly. My youngest doesn't listen at all, is demanding and screams bloody murder when he doesn't get what he wants. Ughh I don't even want to get into the rest of it. I was supposed to take them to get evaluated before the pandemic hit but decides to cancel. My children are under my OH insurance and he is dragging his feet about it b/c he thinks they don't need any help.

Then I don't even feel any connection to this this new baby. I thought about getting an abortion many times but my OH forbides it but he's to blame too. I can't stand being with him anymore and I should've left but I'm so dependent on him. Still I should've known better than to let him pressure me into sleeping with him again after he had his circumcision and I wasn't on birth control. My ob switched it and told me I needed to come into the office. I missed both appointments b/c me and the kids were sick.

Then our family kept asking when I was getting pregnant again and they thought we were joking. My mom is annoying the shit out of me when she gushes about it being a girl. If she wants a girl, she can take care of it. I wasn't at this point during ppd but i really don't think I'd care to hold her. I don't even want to go into the doctor's to find out what I'm having. My mother claims she loves her grandchildren so much but then tries her hardest to avoid them b/c they can be difficult. I have them 24/7; I get no breaks. I know they are my responsibility but I most definitely bit off more than I can chew. I didn't know it would be like this.

Ughh im just so angry and exhausted and lonely... I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and making excuses for my shitty choices now. Im such a mess.