At the end of my ropes (just venting)
cds5163 · 19/05/2021 14:13
I am about 18 weeks pregnant with my third child. I have 2 boys. 1 and 3 years old. I'm not too sure how far along I am b/c I haven't been to see my OB yet; as I've been procrastinating. This pregnancy was completely unexpected. I decided not to have any more and even was giving maternity clothes/books/baby things away up until the day I found out. I'm just dreading it really. I was coming into my independence again and now I have to do it all over again.
I had ppd with both my pregnancies and now I think I may have it now but I'm always miserable really so I may have a chronic disorder. I can't wait until the day my sahm days are over. The quarantine makes it no better. I leave the house months at a time and I'm starting to get bored but I have no where to go anyway. I just quit school because last semester wore me down. I was so exhausted studying all night after dealing with my 1 year who won't go or stay asleep. I am in the middle of sleep training and it seems to be going well for him but I'm so use to sleeping 2/3am and even later that I just toss and turn all night. Now he's waking up at 6am and I'm just hating life. Most days I just lay on the couch and buy the kids toys to play with because I barely have any energy for them besides the necessary basics. More and more now I can not even stand consoling them and I'm starting to yell at them to be quiet when they are throwing their tantrums. The crying just makes my head spin. It's just getting hard to be around them anymore. They may have some type of behaviorial/ cognitive issues. They are both speech delayed. My 1st is catching up but my 2nd can only say maybe 3 words, but that's probably my fault. Then they don't want to eat, don't want to share or play with each other and if they do it always ends up getting too agressive; even though they aren't mean/ bad children. They don't even hit but I just don't think they like each other very much. My oldest is way too bossy and handles his brother to roughly. My youngest doesn't listen at all, is demanding and screams bloody murder when he doesn't get what he wants. Ughh I don't even want to get into the rest of it. I was supposed to take them to get evaluated before the pandemic hit but decides to cancel. My children are under my OH insurance and he is dragging his feet about it b/c he thinks they don't need any help.
Then I don't even feel any connection to this this new baby. I thought about getting an abortion many times but my OH forbides it but he's to blame too. I can't stand being with him anymore and I should've left but I'm so dependent on him. Still I should've known better than to let him pressure me into sleeping with him again after he had his circumcision and I wasn't on birth control. My ob switched it and told me I needed to come into the office. I missed both appointments b/c me and the kids were sick.
Then our family kept asking when I was getting pregnant again and they thought we were joking. My mom is annoying the shit out of me when she gushes about it being a girl. If she wants a girl, she can take care of it. I wasn't at this point during ppd but i really don't think I'd care to hold her. I don't even want to go into the doctor's to find out what I'm having. My mother claims she loves her grandchildren so much but then tries her hardest to avoid them b/c they can be difficult. I have them 24/7; I get no breaks. I know they are my responsibility but I most definitely bit off more than I can chew. I didn't know it would be like this.
Ughh im just so angry and exhausted and lonely... I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and making excuses for my shitty choices now. Im such a mess.
cds5163 · 19/05/2021 14:15
Sorry thought I broke up my post in paragraphs, not sure what happened...
Summerhillsquare · 19/05/2021 14:23
That sounds miserable, you poor thing.
My view is that you have the final say in pregnancy, it's your body, and you sound badly in need of a break. Put yourself first for a bit OP - you can't pour from an empty cup as they say.
BaaHumbugg · 19/05/2021 14:34
I'm so sorry it sounds so tough for you. Can you get some help as you sound very depressed? Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel?
You need to get some support in place before you have this baby. Did you feel this bad before you got pregnant?
cds5163 · 19/05/2021 15:28
Yes I agree. I do feel alot pressure b/c my husband and family are not. If my mom didn't go and blab to everyone I was pregnant I wouldn't be so afraid to be shamed for it. I only told her b/c I was really considering leaving my OH at one point and asked for her help.
cds5163 · 19/05/2021 15:38
I was actually feeling really well before I got pregnant. Which is not common for me but I was probably feeling the best I felt since I got pregnant with my first child. I was gaining more independence from my children and my OH. I had more freedom to do things for myself; although my children are clingy, I still had the energy to care for them and take care of my wants and needs also.
I don't really bother to tell my OH about my feelings. In the past, he either dismisses them or we just can't come to an understanding. I guess we speak different love languages b/c he doesn't really know how to care for my emotional needs and I don't really accept what care he does give/ I guess I take his other efforts for granted.
cds5163 · 19/05/2021 15:40
I guess I'll try to look for another therapist. I just don't want to be a cause of any concern.
BaaHumbugg · 20/05/2021 10:45
Cause of concern for who? You really need to put yourself first in this situation.
Littlehoppe · 22/05/2021 12:56
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It's not a nice situation to be in but you can get out of it, and felt well again.
First, you should arrange an appointment with your GP as soon as possible and explain how you are feeling. You can write it down, you have expressed yourself very good in here. A doctor can recommend the right therapy for you.
It's ok to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Looking after two children is exhausting. Covid19 has made everything tougher. Feeling alone is sad. But remember we can change the way we feel about things although it might take time.
Be gentle on yourself xx.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.