Is it normal to have regrets?

[HPS34]

Hi everyone,

I could really use some other perspectives/experiences as I'm currently a week out from giving birth and am finding it an incredible struggle.

I'm sure this isn't helped by the fact that I had a traumatic birth ending in an emergency c-section, but since being discharged after 5 days in the hospital, I feel totally shellshocked and if I'm honest, I'm intensely mourning the end of my old life.

I came into my house with my lovely newborn daughter and sat down and just burst into tears - it was like coming back to an old life which wasn't mine anymore. for the past 15 years, I've lived a life involving the pursuit of a career in international human rights I love, travel tons and really enjoy meeting with friends regularly. This was a conscious decision on my husband and my part to have a child but I'm sitting here thinking "why did I just torpedo a life I was really enjoying?" I can't just "pick up and go" anymore - now even a trip to a museum involves logistics like bottles and nappies.

Also, as ashamed as I am to say this, I like my daughter but I'm not madly in love with her in a way I hear some moms expressing when they first meet their child. I don't feel like a mum, more like a babysitter and I'm finding myself almost jealous at times of all my friends who have made the decision not to have kids. I imagine what they're doing on any given weekend and how free from responsibility their lives are in comparison - why wasn't I brave enough to stick with that?

I did want to be a parent but I was always scared of the permanence of that decision and had hoped that I'd feel different when I had my own. I know it's early days but I don't feel that way, I feel in mourning for who I was and what I've left behind.

I would say this is PND but I'm already addressing this with antidepressants and therapy and have been since finding out I was pregnant. I don't know why I don't feel anything other than panic when I see my daughter who objectively, seems like a really good-natured little girl. I just really want to go back to my old life and I'm worried I've made a terrible, irreversible mistake.

I'm not supposed to admit any of this as a mum which is partly why I'm on this forum and not expressing it to my family or friends but I'm just not sure how to fight how I feel right now.

Any feedback or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. I feel very lonely and like I'm not sure how to move forward with a happy life now. Thank you so much.

I had severe PND despite having a relatively easy delivery. I remember being torn between wanting to die yet an overwhelming need to live because nobody could protect my daughter like I could. I'd get up in the morning and relish the 3 minutes to myself before I had to get her up. I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself for absolutely hating motherhood and at one point considered putting her in the care of my parents.

I remember breaking down and telling my fabulous health visitor who said that what I was feeling was 'a normal reaction to an abnormal situation'. It took me years to understand what she meant - that my life had completely changed within a day and of course I'd have regrets. She also came with me to see my GP who prescribed Sertraline and after a few weeks, the clouds broke and the sun shone again.

I doubt I've been any help but I think these feelings are very common and yet it's almost taboo to voice how you're actually feeling. Best wishes HPS34

@SingingWaffleDoggy

I had a traumatic birth with my first, and when I was allowed home after 4 days I walked into my house and cried. Everything hurt. I was tired. I was anaemic. I knew I’d voluntarily got myself into that situation and all I wanted was to go back to the normal me. But..... with a bit of sleep, weeks of bonding, my body healing and some time to adjust I grew to love my DD and I cannot imagine life without her. She is now a robust toddler. She’s pretty portable, she’s potty trained, she’ll sit and eat when we are out. She’s a little sh*t sometimes but she doesn’t really stop me doing anything or going anywhere. I returned to work part time and had a good work/life balance. We’ve just had another so it goes to show it gets easier and you forget how hard the first bit is. We are back in the depths of sleep deprivation but I’ve been there, I know we will survive, and it doesn’t last forever.

@SingingWaffleDoggy Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I felt exactly the same following my traumatic birth and c section - everything hurt and I just wanted to return to the old me that had created a life she was happy with. It's a huge reassurance to hear about your transition to becoming a parent and that you've found a good work and life balance. It sounds like you've been able to integrate your daughter into your life and as you said, you're enjoying it enough to have a second child (congratulations!) so it sounds like the stresses are worth it for the good times. It really helps to hear that it gets easier and is actually enjoyable, I might not feel it now but it does make me feel like if I put one foot infront of another, I'll turn around in a little while and be happy my husband and I made this decision. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond x

@Ladyraven0483

And some advice have plenty of skin to skin with baby right now it’s so good for your bonding, rest rest rest too, the housework can wait x

@Ladyraven0483 Thanks so much for your message - my midwife also suggested skin-on-skin which I think is helping, she seems to enjoy it and it's very cute to have her snuggled up to me.

It sounds like you've had a long run to parenthood and it must have been such conflicting emotions of joy and confusion when you didn't instantly feel as you thought you would. Not to mention, the enormous stress of going through all of this in the middle of a pandemic where everyone felt so far removed from their normal lives and sense of self. It sounds like you've done a brilliant job of getting through the other side but it's probably one of the hardest times in decades to find yourself at home with a newborn. It's a huge comfort to know that you're ultimately happy with your decision only 6 months down the line and it's enriched your life. I really appreciate you sharing your experience here, it means a lot that people are willing to be so honest and take the time to respond and it's been helping me feel so much better x

@DisgruntledPelican

I felt very much like this, and still do occasionally. It’s not talked about enough, for sure. I will say that it got easier as time went on - both in terms of being able to have a life a bit like the old one, but also changing my expectations a bit, which happened naturally over time.

@DisgruntledPelican Thanks so much for responding and for your honesty here - you're right, it still feels like such a taboo subject but I would challenge anyone to not feel like they'd been hit by a truck when suddenly, their total autonomy and sense of independence is dramatically affected by a tiny human dependent on you for their every need.

I know I won't be able to return to my old life exactly as I knew it. I guess my hope is that the "new normal" will have enough positive aspects to make some of the sacrifices/changes seem well worth it. It's reassuring to know it does get easier, even if sometimes those feelings still resurface. Thank you again for taking the time to respond, it's a huge help right now and makes me feel a lot less alone in all of this x

This was me with my first child op. The whole pregnancy didn't feel 'real' and when she was placed into my arms I shit myself!

My labour wasn't the best either, I suffered a heamorrage and ended up anemic and with postnatal depression. I remember coming home from the hospital thinking 'what the fuck have I done?!'. I was 18 and didn't have a clue.

The first few weeks were hard, boring and predictable, I cried when dp went back to work as I was scared I would get it wrong alone.

However after a few months, my confidence grew, I started to enjoy DD more as she became older and able to do more for herself.

I also plucked up the courage to visit the doctor who prescribed me antidepressants to take the edge off the anxiety.

Over the years I have loved being a mum, even through the terrible twos! DD is now a lovely 12 year old and I am very proud of her.

I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd child (large gap due to my insecurities) and I couldn't be happier.

Anyway sorry for the essay! You're doing a great job by being there for your baby. Yes they're adorable, but let's be honest, boring! Make sure you have some time to yourself and lots of help of it gets too hard.

You're doing great

@Seriously79

You need to give yourself a break x

What with a traumatic birth, baby blues, possible PND, sleep deprivation and hormones flying around your going to feel a bit rotten.

Parenthood is a massive learning curve, be good to yourself, eat well, rest when you can accept help and it does get easier.

You will soon be navigating a new life with your baby, and I'm sure your going to ace it! X

@Seriously79 Thanks so much for taking the time to respond, it means a lot. It's helpful to be reminded that there's A LOT going on physically and hormonally right now - between the trauma and pain and exhaustion and fluctuating hormones, it's helpful to be reminded that I need to slow down a bit. I might have been too optimistic about how I would feel on the other side of all of this, particularly after days in the hospital where I sort of lost the plot a bit....

Thank you so much for your words of support, it really has made all the difference to how I've coped in the past week and it's so reassuring to see so many people experiencing something similar. x

@Notaroadrunner

You poor thing! Firstly congratulations on your new baby girl. I can assure you that your feelings are pretty common. Even for those parents who come home with their newborn, all delighted at first, that sense of mourning your previous life will no doubt hit at some point. You're most likely tired, have sore boobs from feeding, are hormonal, post operative without the chance to really rest and generally feel like shite - all these things will contribute to your feelings towards your baby.

I remember a friend calling when Ds was born. Dh had gone back to work. She offered to make tea - I practically threw the baby at her and was thrilled at the chance to make tea and drink it while she held him. A neighbour made some dinners for the freezer. Take any help offered from family/friends/kind neighbours. Don't hide your feelings from your gp. They may be able to refer you to a counsellor who specialises in PND. It will get better.

@Notaroadrunner Thank you so much. Yes, definitely all of those things including hormones, trauma from the birth for both my husband and myself, frustrations feeding, sleep deprivation - all the things I'm sure so many people on this forum have experienced. It's helpful to be reminded that the physical pain, multiple operation-related medications and injections and hormones aren't helping the situation either. And while I thought I wasn't too sleep-deprived, I now realise how crazy-making 5 days in the hospital with the sound of screaming babies and constant nurse checks can be!

I do think it might be worth talking to the GP and midwife about PND and at least watch myself for some of the possible signs. In the meantime, it's an enormous help to have this forum and people like you to give reassurance. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond here, it really helps! x

@DelbertGrady

I had severe PND despite having a relatively easy delivery. I remember being torn between wanting to die yet an overwhelming need to live because nobody could protect my daughter like I could. I'd get up in the morning and relish the 3 minutes to myself before I had to get her up. I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself for absolutely hating motherhood and at one point considered putting her in the care of my parents.

I remember breaking down and telling my fabulous health visitor who said that what I was feeling was 'a normal reaction to an abnormal situation'. It took me years to understand what she meant - that my life had completely changed within a day and of course I'd have regrets. She also came with me to see my GP who prescribed Sertraline and after a few weeks, the clouds broke and the sun shone again.

I doubt I've been any help but I think these feelings are very common and yet it's almost taboo to voice how you're actually feeling. Best wishes HPS34

@DelbertGrady I'm so sorry you had such a tough start to parenthood and I really appreciate your honesty here because the more I speak to parents, I more I realise that your experience is far from unusual. What makes all of this even harder is that natural responses to such a seismic shift in your life as you described are conflated with guilt and shame and a sense that you should be enjoying the experience more, if at all.

I told my health visitor that unlike any major life decision (marriage, buying a house, moving) this one was totally undoable and I was really struggling with that fact because it felt like I've made my bed and now have to lie in it. You're right though, pregnancy wasn't fun for me but the idea of a baby is just that, theoretical until she's born. And then as you said, your entire life changes in the span of a day. It feels like so much emphasis is put on the run-up to birth and meeting your baby and very rarely is the fact mentioned that as an adult, every routine and habit and hobby you've cultivated for decades is totally interrupted. I'm so glad Sertraline helped - I've found it a lifesaver in managing my anxiety for awhile now.

You've absolutely been helpful and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond. I'm really comforted by the fact that this seems to be the most natural response to the first few days/weeks/months of parenthood and it does get better. I'm really grateful for your message, thank you so much x

@bubblebath62636

This was me with my first child op. The whole pregnancy didn't feel 'real' and when she was placed into my arms I shit myself!

My labour wasn't the best either, I suffered a heamorrage and ended up anemic and with postnatal depression. I remember coming home from the hospital thinking 'what the fuck have I done?!'. I was 18 and didn't have a clue.

The first few weeks were hard, boring and predictable, I cried when dp went back to work as I was scared I would get it wrong alone.

However after a few months, my confidence grew, I started to enjoy DD more as she became older and able to do more for herself.

I also plucked up the courage to visit the doctor who prescribed me antidepressants to take the edge off the anxiety.

Over the years I have loved being a mum, even through the terrible twos! DD is now a lovely 12 year old and I am very proud of her.

I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd child (large gap due to my insecurities) and I couldn't be happier.

Anyway sorry for the essay! You're doing a great job by being there for your baby. Yes they're adorable, but let's be honest, boring! Make sure you have some time to yourself and lots of help of it gets too hard.

You're doing great

@bubblebath62636 Thanks so much for your reply and for sharing your experience - I'm so sorry to hear about your tough birth which definitely doesn't help with bonding. I absolutely felt the same as you - that the entire pregnancy was a surreal experience. I think I was even more in shock when she arrived and was placed in my arms because I still couldn't believe how badly the birth had gone and was distracted by all of the medical staff and the fact my husband looked so shaken. By the time I met my baby, my head was spinning and I was in shock about the whole situation. The fact that you went through this at such a young age is even tougher - I'm in my 30s and still felt like a kid in over my head so it's amazing you navigated all of this at 18.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, it sounds like you've done a brilliant job in raising your first and learned so much during the process. And knowing that you got through it and it does get better, I can appreciate why you're so thrilled at becoming a parent again.

It's weirdly reassuring to know I'm not the only one who finds newborns cute but incredibly boring :) And thank you for sharing your story, hearing so many parents go through similar experiences and find joy in their children is really inspiring and reassuring so I really appreciate the time you've taken to reply. x