Is it normal to have regrets?

[HPS34]

Hi everyone,

I could really use some other perspectives/experiences as I'm currently a week out from giving birth and am finding it an incredible struggle.

I'm sure this isn't helped by the fact that I had a traumatic birth ending in an emergency c-section, but since being discharged after 5 days in the hospital, I feel totally shellshocked and if I'm honest, I'm intensely mourning the end of my old life.

I came into my house with my lovely newborn daughter and sat down and just burst into tears - it was like coming back to an old life which wasn't mine anymore. for the past 15 years, I've lived a life involving the pursuit of a career in international human rights I love, travel tons and really enjoy meeting with friends regularly. This was a conscious decision on my husband and my part to have a child but I'm sitting here thinking "why did I just torpedo a life I was really enjoying?" I can't just "pick up and go" anymore - now even a trip to a museum involves logistics like bottles and nappies.

Also, as ashamed as I am to say this, I like my daughter but I'm not madly in love with her in a way I hear some moms expressing when they first meet their child. I don't feel like a mum, more like a babysitter and I'm finding myself almost jealous at times of all my friends who have made the decision not to have kids. I imagine what they're doing on any given weekend and how free from responsibility their lives are in comparison - why wasn't I brave enough to stick with that?

I did want to be a parent but I was always scared of the permanence of that decision and had hoped that I'd feel different when I had my own. I know it's early days but I don't feel that way, I feel in mourning for who I was and what I've left behind.

I would say this is PND but I'm already addressing this with antidepressants and therapy and have been since finding out I was pregnant. I don't know why I don't feel anything other than panic when I see my daughter who objectively, seems like a really good-natured little girl. I just really want to go back to my old life and I'm worried I've made a terrible, irreversible mistake.

I'm not supposed to admit any of this as a mum which is partly why I'm on this forum and not expressing it to my family or friends but I'm just not sure how to fight how I feel right now.

Any feedback or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. I feel very lonely and like I'm not sure how to move forward with a happy life now. Thank you so much.

5 months. It took me 5 months to relax enough to love my ds. His was a fairly traumatic birth ending in 5 weeks in hospital and by the time he came home I think I was shell shocked. I mourned the freedom I had before and seriously thought I'd made a massive mistake but...it honestly does get better. It's a massive adjustment. Be kind to yourself; take help when it's offered, sleep when you can and don't think you can do everything. You'll get there @HPS34

@GiveMyHeadPeaceffs

5 months. It took me 5 months to relax enough to love my ds. His was a fairly traumatic birth ending in 5 weeks in hospital and by the time he came home I think I was shell shocked. I mourned the freedom I had before and seriously thought I'd made a massive mistake but...it honestly does get better. It's a massive adjustment. Be kind to yourself; take help when it's offered, sleep when you can and don't think you can do everything. You'll get there *@HPS34*

@GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Thank you so much for your response, it means so much that you've taken the time to reply. Just hearing you experienced something similar at the beginning gives me hope that I might be able to get there too.

I know I would regret not having a child but sometimes the sadness at the moment becomes a bit crushing. I'll put one foot in front of another but it's helpful to know you got there in 5 months and that it's not necessarily an instant feeling of love and contentment or even certainty that you were doing the right thing.

Thank you again, just hearing this right now makes it all a little easier xx

@HPS34 this is so so normal and common and no one ever tells you! Why does no one say anything?

It took me about 7/8 months for some kind of normality/acceptance. I could have written your post word for word, and I still remember that feeling vividly, I just felt regret and wondered what the hell was I thinking because I can't do this. Time is the only cure, you just need to take it day by day and do what you need to do to survive.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, you and your LO will be absolutely fine and it will get to a point where they enhance your life and you can get back to some kind of normality. This bit is hard.

X

@HPS34 as @meltybuttons says this is so common it's strange no one really talks about it. We're all told about instantly falling in love with our dc but it doesn't always happen that way plus natural birth triggers hormones that sections don't. But I remember vividly looking at my ds and thinking that I really, truly loved him. He's nearly 6 now and I love him fiercely. This will come to you too xx

I went to my parents house sobbing when my DS was 2 weeks old, saying it wasn't what I expected at all. The shock of having this new human, which I felt I should love, but who just felt like a stranger. They told me it would get better and of course, I didn't believe it ever would. By the time he was 4 months, I felt completely different, and the love and enjoyment was there. He is a toddler now but I still can't look back on his photos from the first few months without remembering how worried I felt about the bomb I had detonated on my life by having him.
The first few weeks are peak hormone change times too, so this may be contributing to how you're feeling. Talk to anyone you can, in real life or on here as it does help to talk about it.
You will get there, just give it time.

Totally normal . I didn’t feel anything like a rush of love when I had my first DC. I felt shell-shocked, exhausted and mourning my old life. It gets better. Everyone told me that and I didn’t believe them but it DOES get better. Your midwife / health visitor / GP are there to help you though if you do need support.

As you say, we feel we can’t express any of this as mums which is such a toxic attitude. You have had a huge life change and needing time to adjust is normal. I can remember the feeling of those early days like it was yesterday. My DC is 10 now and I think she’s pretty awesome. Things get better.

So so normal. I had terrible post natal depression to the point I thought I hated my baby and wished she didn’t exist. She’s now 8 and the centre of my universe. I didn’t love her immediately because I was ill but I’d die for her a hundred times over now. It gets easier

Agree this is totally normal. I felt exactly the same. I never got the instant rush of love either, it took a good few weeks. Even after that fierce love arrived I still found it so hard until they were sleeping through but it gets gradually easier as time goes on, week by week.

I also struggled with the never ending feeling of it. By that I mean, if I have a big deadline at work and tons of stress I can always console myself that 'it's only another week then you can relax' but with a baby you can't say that to yourself as you have no idea when things get better. But as PP have said, they really do.

Be kind to yourself and ask for and accept as much help as you can x

What you are feeling is normal. The love will grow, and yes, the first few months are a bit of a relentless grind, but it will get easier and there will start to be moments of real joy. Then there will be whole days of joy before you look back and think how empty your life would have been without her.

For now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hugs to you.

God I felt exactly the same. I am a very independant person with my own life, I don't live for or through my DC.

I have never regretted having them, but I did regret losing my freedom, free time, ability to just pick up and go, the long walks I used to enjoy while listening to music, etc.

I think it really helps to look at the future. DC are still very young (2yo and 11mo) but in a couple of years they'll already be so much more indépendant, and I can't wait to share all the stuff I love doing with them. Travelling, reading, fishing, gaming. Having kids sucks the first couple of years but it's only a few years of drudge before you reap the benefits of your hard work. And by that I mean enjoy fun activities with you DC and share life experiences with them.

Bringing a new human into the world is scary. I regretted having a baby for some time after the birth, and my previous life doesn’t sound half as exciting and fulfilling as yours. I grew to adore my baby in time. With my 2nd birth I had far more of an instant rush despite being down all through the pregnancy about having another (unplanned). There really is no telling which way round you’ll get it. I think this is really normal but no one can ever talk about it.

I had a traumatic birth with my first, and when I was allowed home after 4 days I walked into my house and cried. Everything hurt. I was tired. I was anaemic. I knew I’d voluntarily got myself into that situation and all I wanted was to go back to the normal me.
But..... with a bit of sleep, weeks of bonding, my body healing and some time to adjust I grew to love my DD and I cannot imagine life without her. She is now a robust toddler. She’s pretty portable, she’s potty trained, she’ll sit and eat when we are out. She’s a little sh*t sometimes but she doesn’t really stop me doing anything or going anywhere. I returned to work part time and had a good work/life balance.
We’ve just had another so it goes to show it gets easier and you forget how hard the first bit is. We are back in the depths of sleep deprivation but I’ve been there, I know we will survive, and it doesn’t last forever.

[quote meltybuttons]@HPS34 this is so so normal and common and no one ever tells you! Why does no one say anything?

It took me about 7/8 months for some kind of normality/acceptance. I could have written your post word for word, and I still remember that feeling vividly, I just felt regret and wondered what the hell was I thinking because I can't do this. Time is the only cure, you just need to take it day by day and do what you need to do to survive.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, you and your LO will be absolutely fine and it will get to a point where they enhance your life and you can get back to some kind of normality. This bit is hard.

X[/quote]
@meltybuttons Thank you so much for this - I know, I'm mystified why this isn't something wildly discussed in the whole discussion of whether to have kids or not. I've been sitting here google searching "good things about being a parent" but even the positive blogs start out by saying it's so hard and exhausting and then I wonder, well then why do it in the first place?

It's good to know I'm not the only one experiencing this and that everyone who has responded here has gotten to a place where they actually enjoy being a parent. I'm going to do my best to remember your that like you say, this bit is hard.

I think It's also the fact that everyone said "you'll love being pregnant" (I did not) or "birth is such a magical experience" (honestly one of the most traumatic things I've ever been through) but my reasoning was that so many have kids and often more than one, so there must be some reason people do this to themselves. It's really comforting to know you struggled as well but got there in the end. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond here, it's a huge lifeline at the moment!

It’s been a massive adjustment for me too even after years of thinking I’d never be a mom and then a round of ivf which was thankfully and luckily (very luckily) successful. I longed to have my baby but looking back now glad me and my dh had the freedom for so many years for it just being the two of us having holidays lie in and adventures together. I too miss my old life in a way and felt massive guilt when I first had that thought because of how much I’d wanted to be a mom, Chuck a pandemic on top of giving birth and I had full blown anxiety when I first brought my daughter home. 6 months pp now and have some depression creeping in but I think it’s mainly having no other mom friends or adult conversation most days, but I don’t feel like I did as much anymore. I love my daughter and wouldn’t change my life for the world. Be easy on yourself having a baby is such a life changing thing, you feel like you’ll never get your head around it but you do x

And some advice have plenty of skin to skin with baby right now it’s so good for your bonding, rest rest rest too, the housework can wait x

I felt very much like this, and still do occasionally. It’s not talked about enough, for sure. I will say that it got easier as time went on - both in terms of being able to have a life a bit like the old one, but also changing my expectations a bit, which happened naturally over time.

You need to give yourself a break x

What with a traumatic birth, baby blues, possible PND, sleep deprivation and hormones flying around your going to feel a bit rotten.

Parenthood is a massive learning curve, be good to yourself, eat well, rest when you can accept help and it does get easier.

You will soon be navigating a new life with your baby, and I'm sure your going to ace it! X

@Tbortb

I went to my parents house sobbing when my DS was 2 weeks old, saying it wasn't what I expected at all. The shock of having this new human, which I felt I should love, but who just felt like a stranger. They told me it would get better and of course, I didn't believe it ever would. By the time he was 4 months, I felt completely different, and the love and enjoyment was there. He is a toddler now but I still can't look back on his photos from the first few months without remembering how worried I felt about the bomb I had detonated on my life by having him. The first few weeks are peak hormone change times too, so this may be contributing to how you're feeling. Talk to anyone you can, in real life or on here as it does help to talk about it. You will get there, just give it time.

@Tbortb Thanks so much for responding to this and apologies for my slow reply, I've been wanting to get back to all of these in between feedings!

You're right, it has felt like living with a stranger - a very cute one but still, someone I don't know who is suddenly in the house and taking up all of our attention and worry. I am getting lots of reassurance that it improves with time and I sometimes feel like I'm going through the motions just waiting for it to "click" although in the last few days I've had little glimmers of affection. Like any relationship, I can't believe that love isn't something that matures and develops with time and experience. But you're right, I'm even looking back at photos from the first 24 hours of her life and feel unmitigated panic which isn't quite as intense right now. I really appreciate your reassurance, it's so incredibly helpful to know other people have gone through this and come out the other side. Thank you so much x

@TooStressyTooMessy

Totally normal . I didn’t feel anything like a rush of love when I had my first DC. I felt shell-shocked, exhausted and mourning my old life. It gets better. Everyone told me that and I didn’t believe them but it DOES get better. Your midwife / health visitor / GP are there to help you though if you do need support.

As you say, we feel we can’t express any of this as mums which is such a toxic attitude. You have had a huge life change and needing time to adjust is normal. I can remember the feeling of those early days like it was yesterday. My DC is 10 now and I think she’s pretty awesome. Things get better.

@TooStressyTooMessy So glad that this isn't just me - that list "shell-shocked, exhausted and mourning my old life" is everything I'm experiencing right now. I'm also finding it so hard to hear about what my friends are up to (no fault of their own) because it almost makes me self-conscious of how dramatically things have changed. The midwife has been by recently and taking one look at me bawling my eyes out, has already stepped in to help with a few steps like providing a breast pump, which might really help right now.

It's so appreciated that you've taken the time to respond to this post - I know everyones' lives are incredibly busy and it's understandable that people wouldn't want to revisit these emotions but it's so important to talk about it and have forums like these. It's not like having a child means you have a total personality transplant so it seems unavoidable that parents would feel like their entire sense of self has been turned upside down at the beginning. Thank you again x

You poor thing! Firstly congratulations on your new baby girl. I can assure you that your feelings are pretty common. Even for those parents who come home with their newborn, all delighted at first, that sense of mourning your previous life will no doubt hit at some point. You're most likely tired, have sore boobs from feeding, are hormonal, post operative without the chance to really rest and generally feel like shite - all these things will contribute to your feelings towards your baby.

I remember a friend calling when Ds was born. Dh had gone back to work. She offered to make tea - I practically threw the baby at her and was thrilled at the chance to make tea and drink it while she held him. A neighbour made some dinners for the freezer. Take any help offered from family/friends/kind neighbours. Don't hide your feelings from your gp. They may be able to refer you to a counsellor who specialises in PND. It will get better.

@Igotjelly

So so normal. I had terrible post natal depression to the point I thought I hated my baby and wished she didn’t exist. She’s now 8 and the centre of my universe. I didn’t love her immediately because I was ill but I’d die for her a hundred times over now. It gets easier

@Igotjelly Thanks so much, I really appreciate you being so honest about this - it's something I hear a lot of parents saying as I start to admit this and I really think the taboo is so dangerous because it's clearly a very common experience. I'm really sorry you went through this but it sounds like you're out the other end - thank you for sharing your experience, it makes this all a little easier. x

@StooriMidori

Agree this is totally normal. I felt exactly the same. I never got the instant rush of love either, it took a good few weeks. Even after that fierce love arrived I still found it so hard until they were sleeping through but it gets gradually easier as time goes on, week by week.

I also struggled with the never ending feeling of it. By that I mean, if I have a big deadline at work and tons of stress I can always console myself that 'it's only another week then you can relax' but with a baby you can't say that to yourself as you have no idea when things get better. But as PP have said, they really do.

Be kind to yourself and ask for and accept as much help as you can x

@StooriMidori I'm really holding out hope that that "fierce love" does finally kick in. I'm just worried that it's possible to feel complete adoration for a child while also continuing to mourn your old life but I guess the benefits ultimately outweigh the sacrifices? The never-ending feeling of it is probably the greatest obstacle for me right now - I've been told it gets easier but then other parents will say "oh but the toddler years are tough" or "just wait until they're teenagers!" That whole coping strategy of reminding myself that "this too shall pass" doesn't really apply here and I'm so scared it will be a case where I'll love her but always have to be worrying about logistics and who can look after her. Did you find that becomes easier or at least a bit more automatic over time? Thank you so much for your message x

@dancealittleclosertome

What you are feeling is normal. The love will grow, and yes, the first few months are a bit of a relentless grind, but it will get easier and there will start to be moments of real joy. Then there will be whole days of joy before you look back and think how empty your life would have been without her.

For now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hugs to you.

@dancealittleclosertome It's helpful to keep in mind that I could ultimately feel my life was empty without her, that really helps because I guess regret can run both ways. I'll keep on taking it one step at a time and look for those little moments where we connect and bond. It will be totally worth it if I can experience those moments of joy you describe, I'm pretty sure they'll come with time but it really helps to be reminded of that fact as well. Thanks so much x

@Marty13

God I felt exactly the same. I am a very independant person with my own life, I don't live for or through my DC.

I have never regretted having them, but I did regret losing my freedom, free time, ability to just pick up and go, the long walks I used to enjoy while listening to music, etc.

I think it really helps to look at the future. DC are still very young (2yo and 11mo) but in a couple of years they'll already be so much more indépendant, and I can't wait to share all the stuff I love doing with them. Travelling, reading, fishing, gaming. Having kids sucks the first couple of years but it's only a few years of drudge before you reap the benefits of your hard work. And by that I mean enjoy fun activities with you DC and share life experiences with them.

@Marty13 I really like the idea that I can one day share my passions with her and we can go on adventures together. It really helps to be reminded that kids can be fun, good company and someone who you want to share your own interests and hobbies with. Thank you for reminding me of this, I've been thinking about it in terms of responsibility first, which it is, but it can also be a pleasure and an enrichment to your existing life. Really appreciate you taking your time to respond x

@Dingleydel

Bringing a new human into the world is scary. I regretted having a baby for some time after the birth, and my previous life doesn’t sound half as exciting and fulfilling as yours. I grew to adore my baby in time. With my 2nd birth I had far more of an instant rush despite being down all through the pregnancy about having another (unplanned). There really is no telling which way round you’ll get it. I think this is really normal but no one can ever talk about it.

@Dingleydel Thank you for your message - based on the respond to this one thread alone, it does feel like there are so many people who have experienced the same confusing, upsetting emotions and come out the other side. I'm sure your life was and is equally interesting and you have hobbies and interests that might have had to take a back seat to the kids for a little while. I wonder if you felt more of an instant rush with your second because you knew it would get easier having done it once before? I find it really inspiring and amazing that you and so many people have expressed their own experiences of regret, pretending it doesn't exist won't make it go away and it's clearly a very natural response to anyone who is suddenly saddled with a huge amount of lifelong responsibililty. Having said that, it feels like from everything people are saying here, the sacrifices are worth it for the benefits. x