Really struggling with Gender Disappointment

[Roses90]

Hi, I found out I was due a third baby of the same sex at 16 weeks, I’m now 35 weeks. I struggle with depression & anxiety at the best of times & I had a good cry a few times then ‘got over it’.

Since finding out my cousin is due my ‘preferred’ sex a few weeks ago, it’s now spiralling into full on depression. I feel so low & SO guilty. I don’t know who to talk to as it’s so taboo.

My husband said he is definitely done with three & wants the snip, which I don’t think has helped as the book feels closed. I can’t think of a name & I keep buying things for the baby out of guilt to try & get excited but it’s not working. I swear this baby has everything! But what good is it, if his mother is a horrible witch? I love my children, I really do & I know I sound like a troll.

I’ve been thinking terrible thoughts like I want to get pregnant again, get the NIPT test then abort if it’s the same for #4 (without telling my husband - I know that’s evil). Then I wonder if I could travel to Cyprus, we could get a loan for the 10k & try to do it (my husband would never agree to that).

Please help me, what counselling can I get? I can’t tell my midwife! I need professional help but I don’t know where to go.

Sat here in tears.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I really can sympathise. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with second boy and I felt sad for a while when we found out. I don't think it's the idea of actually having another boy because my first son is just wonderful, loving and lots of fun. It's more the idea of me never having a girl. So quite selfish I guess? And could also come down to the fact that I have a great relationship with my mum and not my dad.

Three boys is fab. Honestly I'm not even just saying it. What will the age gaps be?

Apparently there is a facebook group called gender disappointment or something similar where there is probably lots of other women talking/feeling the same way as you.

Don't beat yourself up for it. It's very very common. But if it's affecting your daily living then I would most definitely self refer for some therapy. And most definitely don't have anymore if you only want the opposite sex at the end of it. Because it's just not fair on the child at the end of the day.

Sending love x

@iloveyoubutilovememore thank-you for replying.

I feel calmer now, I was really struggling over the weekend. I don’t believe in gender stereotypes but it just hurts when people say men aren’t as close to their mums as adults, when to be honest I’m not close to my mum anyway! I really do believe it’s personality as my two boys are so different, it’s not a one size fits all. It doesn’t stop me thinking how ‘unfair’ it is that everyone else seems to have boys & girls.

I’m feeling a little better now but absolutely know I cannot try for number 4, even if DH was on board. I don’t think I would cope very well if it was a fourth boy.

Three boys will be nice, they will be close to each other hopefully. Maybe even better for them all being the same sex. I have a 3 & 5 year old already so not too much of a gap. Hopefully little one doesn’t get left out!

I’ve just had my third boy, I never found out sexes, I’m happy they are my little boy team but then I don’t tend to think about the future when they are grown up....it’s a long way away anything could happen between then and now. I’m close to my mil and don’t always get on very well with my dm. I’m not having anymore as it always been how many I wanted and not what sex. I know lots of mums of three either young or all grown up. It’s not all that bad!! I don’t know what to say that helps, I think the fact that I struggled to get pregnant and had two miscarriages means that any life of any sex is a miracle and one I’m glad for! X

I think it would be easier to have multiple babies of the same gender.

I know it's not guaranteed, but I imagine it is so much easier for them to bond with each other and be friends when older.

I can appreciate it feels hard and you'll have to prepare for people to say will you try for another? Or ohh I bet you wanted a X sex. It'll be salt in the wounds for a while but I'm sure when baby is here you can focus on the positives.

I found it useful to ask myself how would it be different if I had the other sex.

Bottom line is it’s wouldn’t. I don’t subscribe to stereotypes to am not into the frilly dresses and hair, boys would have done ballet etc.

Fwiw I am not close to my mum precisely because she expects me to do “girl” things, go shopping with her, defer to male opinion, worry about my diet, not do exercise for fear of looking muscly. Days out would be shopping, nails, hair etc and I just don’t want to.

My girl has a closer relationship with her dad as he actually likes shopping and fashion, so they go together. I take them swim training 😂.

I am sorry this is hard and I would think it might get so much easier when your baby arrives as to me if was such an exciting time of getting to know them gender didn’t really play any part.
I would try not to focus on it and also be ready if anyone says anything unhelpful (which inevitably they do ) try and be ready with an answer to pull them up .