Spending whole pregnancy consumed with regret

[Krimson]

I am 33 and 9 weeks pregnant and will be 34 when the baby comes. This is my first baby and much wanted and I luckily got pregnant after a month of trying.

However I'm spending the whole pregnancy consumed with regret and anger at not starting earlier. I had always wanted two children and feel that after this one is born, I'd need to get pregnant straight away. I never wanted to be an older mum and feel so sad I never had them earlier that it consumes my every thought.

I feel such anger at my partner as we've been together for 7 years and I had been discussing with him years previously of wanting to get married/start a family. He feels the time is right now but I don't understand how it is when fertility declines at 35. I feel like my best fertile years have been wasted and feel angry at allowing myself to be in this position.

I am grateful for the position I'm in and lucky I was able to get pregnant but feel these everlasting feelings of regret and anger are robbing me of enjoying this pregnancy. Any advice would be appreciated.

I was 31 when I had my child. We had split by the time I was 32. I'm now 34 and single and regret that I've probably left it too late to meet someone else and have another baby. I dont know what to advise to you. I'd say maybe see how you feel after you have this baby? You may not want more or may feel you are still young enough

What? You’ve got loads of time for a second!! Fertility doesn’t drop off a cliff at 35 you know. Relax. Enjoy your pregnancy.

Sorry but this sounds totally irrational. You’re not an old mum by any means and if your partner wasn’t ready until now then he has done the right thing in holding off. It was up to you whether to wait for him and you chose to, it seems to have worked out well....so I’m sorry but I cannot see how you can justify being angry with him. I’m not going to patronise you by blaming hormones but, honestly, if you’re thinking like this then I think it’s important you realise it’s really not rational or ok and I hope you’re not acting angry with your poor partner in real life. You may need some counselling to discuss what’s going on with you?

Hi OP, I work in this area and it sounds like you have pregnancy depression. There are many causes but mostly it is a combination of shock at the change occurring in your life and hormonal change affecting your mood. If you were badly affected by period mood swings before you got pregnant, the pregnancy hormones can have the same affect.

I would urge you to talk to your GP or your midwife and ask for a referral to a pregnancy mental health team. You will come through this and it can be helped with counselling. GP's are not knowledgeable enough in this area but your midwife team or the hospital team should have a psychologist and psychiatrist on the community pregnancy team.

I am not in the UK so I cannot advise directly, but I am a member of a UK organisation in this area and there has been lots of training of specialist health visitors as well as midwives, so hopefully you can access support soon.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

If your partner wasnt ready for the responsibility of having a child before now then it was probably the best decision to wait until both he & you were ready.

Unless you are planning on having a very big family or very large age gaps then Im sure you will be able to conceive as easily next time around.

I could understand anger & resentment if you were unable to conceive & didnt have enough childbearing years left but you will have your baby in a few months.

If the feelings continue I would look into counselling.

I think you need a (gentle) head wobble OP. You conceived quickly, in a good relationship, at an OK age (I’m assuming you want another one or two children rather than twelve), and your pregnancy is progressing well. You’re fine. Calm down.

Crikey ladies. 33/34 is so young. The 'fertility off a cliff at 35' thing is not reality for many, many women. I was a single mum at 34 and worried I'd ensured DD was an only child by having her at 32. Ive had 2 more in my 40's, one literally an accident after a tipsy quickie. There's a reason the thread on a 44 year old being pregnant got so many responses this week, it's just not that unusual!

That's a different issue for now though Op. Really, if you are this upset at your partner, preoccupied this much during a wanted pregnancy, which was conceived super fast so you clearly have no fertility issues at present, I'd suggest a word with your midwife. Prenatal depression is a thing, and saying you are consumed with grief and anger is worrying.

Thank you for all your responses. I "know" my feelings are irrational yet I can't stop them. I suffer from anxiety and do get counselling however my next session isn't until next week. I worry obsessively about my age, that I'll be an old parent, if my child will be an only child and lonely, not being around long enough for any children I have. These thoughts just go round in a loop and I can't seem to stop them which is ridiculous. I think I worry as well as my mum was 34 when she had me and she'll be 68 when the baby comes and I worry about her being an older grandparent and not seeing them grow up.

I'll contact the midwife tomorrow and my GP. I was on setraline before I feel pregnant but then came off it due to my anxiety it would harm my baby. I'm still not sure whether I want to go back on it.

Hi @Krimson,

I had a feeling you might have had anxiety or depression, and pregnancy can increase these feelings. You should definitely talk to your mental health team and see if there is any medication you can take safely. And if you decide not to, there are very good results for CBT in prenatal and postnatal care. I urge you to get help for this and increase the frequency of your sessions during your pregnancy. You should have been assessed as high risk for pregnancy anxiety as you were already on medication. The mental health team should be able to prioritise you for treatment during your pregnancy.

I can talk you through the irrationality of your fear but it is so much easier to do this in a one to one session which I hope you can access soon.

Well done for recognising you need some support and for reaching out.

The thing about babies is we cant actually truly control when we have them and it is massively anxiety inducing in a society where we are taught to control everything.

The best and worst thing about my 5 year infertility journey was wrestling with having no control over having a child.

Technically/statistically you have much to soothe you in terms of how quick you conceived and how young you are.
However your feelings are your feelings and statistics dont help. Something else is going on for you and it seems wise to take some time to process it and manage it in any and every way that works for you:
Mumsnetting, journaling, meds, art, research, whatever, put one thing in place to today.

As someone who had slightly similar feelings when pregnant at 34, I get this. My situation was different as the pregnancy was unplanned, but I was very anxious and catastrophising about all sorts of things.

What I will say is that with the right support from family and HCPs after you give birth to manage your anxiety, you might be surprised at how you feel when you meet your baby. Because if you had conceived in any other month, then it wouldn’t have been this particular unique individual that you’re going to love and cherish. I can’t imagine being without DS and that’s what I tell myself (or say to other people if they ask if I regret not having children in my twenties) - in that case, he wouldn’t be him. And I wouldn’t be the same version of me.

I’m glad you will be speaking to your midwife. Antenatal and perinatal MH support can be excellent if approached early enough. Lots of love to you

Bless you. I really suffer from over thinking and I think that for some reason pregnancy and children can really accentuate it as it all seems out of our control. I got pregnant with my first at 32, again at 34 and again at 38. Very quick each time so it really isn't clear that fertility drops crazily after 35. We don't know what our bodies will do and it can feel quite stressful to just surrender to that as we feel we can control those parts of our lives.
In terms of the age of your mum. Both our mums were 68 when our first daughter arrived. I felt we actually had it easier than friends with younger parents as they weren't working and so were more hands on. Younger grandmas were often still working full time so couldn't see their grandkids or help out as much. Maybe try and reject that feeling that there is a 'perfect' age to have kids. There really isn't. There are going to be so many of these idea coming up: what's the perfect way to feed your child, what's the perfect age-gap, which is the best school and if you focus on these you will drive yourself mad. I had prenatal depression with my first and the pregnancy was really overshadowed by it. I went to the doctors and had anti-depressants. It did just lift when I had my daughter which makes me think it was hormonal. Be gentle with yourself and don't be scared to ask for help

Thank you all for your kind responses. Unfortunately I have miscarried this pregnancy which has now made my worries about my age a million times worse. I am 34 in July and worried now I'll never have kids.

I'm so sorry OP it sounds like you've had a tough time of things

My husband and I have been married for just under 4 years. For the past 3 years, we were trying for a baby but due to us both having medical restrictions, we were told it was highly unlikely we would conceive. We were offered IVF and also considered adoption, but the more we talked about it, the more we convinced ourselves that we didn't need these things for a fulfilled life. I lost my job in the pandemic and started working at the local covid test centre, we also bought our first home in June and miraculously, we got pregnant!

At first I was elated, I couldn't believe that this had finally happened and it was so wonderful to see how happy my husband was. However, I have been finding it harder and harder to find any enthusiasm about my pregnancy. After the 20 week scan I have been thinking things like;

• I'm 38, am I too old for this?
• is children even what I want or was it just what I thought was supposed to happen?
• what if I don't love him?
• what if I hurt him?
• what if he doesn't love me?
• what if I resent him for changing my life?
• what if it destroys my marriage?
• why am I so scared?
• what am I going to do without adult conversation?
• what if I miss my job?
• what if my body never recovers from the surgery?

I have spoken to many mothers and expectant mothers and they all say things like;

• you must be so excited!
• I bet you can't wait
• it's the best job in the world
• I am in awe of my belly

I have developed a very good fake smile and response of "excited is one word to describe how I'm feeling".

I have tried to speak to people, even professionals, about my feelings and fears and get the token response of "you will be fine".
But what if I'm not?! I can't believe the guilt I am feeling at the moment! I don't want to talk to my husband about it, because I don't want to ruin his excitement or add any pressure to his nerves.

I am booked in for a C Section next Friday (6 days before my due date) and knowing the actual date has just escalated my anxiety.

I am sure I will love him when he is born, but is this normal? Does every mum have these fears or am I incredibly selfish? Please help me, I feel very alone.

I'm spending the whole pregnancy consumed with regret and anger you're only 9 weeks in, even if you knew very early it's been a month, month and half? You haven't ruined your pregnancy or failed to enjoy it, you've barely started it. But you habe to choose to not ruin the rest of it. Of course people have good pregnancies past 35. You don't need to be pregnant before then or never again.

Of he wasn't ready before now it wasn't the right time and of you'd forced it you'd resent him for far bigger reasons. If you continue to blame him you'll end up ruining your marriage. Please speak to someone in RL

@Conniepops2020
I'm 38, am I too old for this? I had my twins just after my 38th birthday. It's fine
I'm tired, they're fat and heavy but I don't think I'd have been less tired a decade ago
Is children even what I want or was it just what I thought was supposed to happen? Buyers regret, it's fine and normal
what if I don't love him? Don't worry about the "rush" of instant love but you will. You'll realise one day that you couldn't be without him
what if I hurt him? They're impressively bouncy. Years of evolution catered for clumsy parents.

what if he doesn't love me? Ok at 6 weeks I sobbed into the darkness that they hated me but honestly they don't. You're the centre of his universe. Mainly for food, access to the TV remote and kisses in their soft spots.
what if I resent him for changing my life? Only periodically ime
what if it destroys my marriage? The it was never strong enough to last
why am I so scared? Hormones. Love. Sleep deprivation. Too much time peeing.
what am I going to do without adult conversation? They're babies so you just have both sides of the adult conversation. Talk DHs ears off when he gets home. Remember you get a "new baby" bubble so you can actually gain an adult into your bubble and for "2 people meeting" it doesn't include babies. And then lockdown will end and you can go to play groups etc. And sometimes o just talk to the TV people.

what if I miss my job? You can go back
what if my body never recovers from the surgery? I'm already fat so I probably took this in my stride more. There are changes after two c secs particularly but you have to remember what your body achieved. It took in a tiny lite sperm, let it get jiggy with your egg that you had inside you since you were concieved and then made this perfect child capable of screaming louder than a freight truck, pooing faster than a Usain Bolt race and loving you more than he loves Nigel from Baby Club on CBeebies xx

Sorry about your miscarriage, OP.

I'm sure it's not too late. Loads of women have their first at your age and older. Do try not to worry too much.

I was diagnosed with postnatal anxiety as I had this exact feeling. I still blamed DH even though the poor sod did agree to ttc when we were 29 - the fertility treatment just didn’t work until 10 years later. For me it was undealt with anger and stress related to my infertility and it turned into a really bad case of death anxiety after my son was born.

Don’t waste any time contacting your mw.

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage.

Very sorry for your loss OP. Please please take some time to grieve this and put your age from your mind. I miscarried 3 x at 39 /40 and went in to have 2 more successful pregnancies. Concentrate on caring for yourself now and worry about this later.

Shit, now I've just read the whole thread, please ignore my insensitive comment. I am so sorry for your loss