I don't want my baby

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My baby was born and felt nothing(bad pregnancy +labour +wanted baby) first weeks were exhausting, I was always worried+breastfeeding was bad, baby loosing weight, sleep deprived.
Since birth never fully connected with baby except for some moments(it feels like playing with somebody's baby)
My partner has done everything to take baby tasks away from me to make it easier for me so I feel more like myself.
I feel like I will be better of with my old life with my partner without baby .
I don't feel anything when she cries, it bothers me and I feel like I don't want to be a full time mum, I don't enjoy looking after her. For me it is a duty. I feel just down because of the pandemic, being bored in maternity leave, I miss having a life(work) and I don't know how this will be fix or mingled.
Thinking of coming back to work early, Iwould happily send baby to day care till she is 1 year but my partner doesnt want that because of situation+ because it was his initial idea.
I see this will happen in the long run... I start to bond and that will maybe make me willing to accept the task of looking after her, or we will end up sharing custody.
I have good week were I think yes I can make it and feel happier +today I didn't feel like being with baby and age spent most of day with dad and grandma. I feel I can't give her the love she needs, something blocks me... Plus I feel I have no interest in exploring it. I think I made the worst mistake of my life. It will be a los easier to cut and leave if nobody will know I have a baby.
I love my partner, but I feel I don't want to be a full time mum now.. Maybe when she grows... But now... I feel that the vision I had of motherhood was miss guided by the society or what people tell you and that it is not something for me.
I would like to be part of the kid life one day but we'll she may not want to... But right now I feel bad for my partner but I don't want to do this.

Is this postnatal depression? I don't feel depressed. I just feel trapped in a situation that I don't like. I told my partner if we can stay together but he cares for the girl and I just the girlfriend and it can be like I going out with him with a kid(that is his but not mine)
I just think this will break us apart as he wants the kid, but I don't

You need to speak to your GP or HV tomorrow.
Babies are damn hard work, but you should feel a connection.
I hope you get the help you need to feel better soon 💐

How old is your baby?
Have you spoken to your health visitor or GP that you think you might have PND and that you haven't bonded with your baby? I really think you should talk to them if you haven't yet done so.
Maternity leave isn't for everyone, it's hard enough at the best of times let alone during covid. With DC1, I was bored out of my mind and relieved to go back to work.
Just go back to work. If your partner doesn't want to put baby in childcare, he can take parental leave and do his share for a bit. Or he can help you find childcare that he's happy with (for example he - both of you - might be more comfortable with a childminder than with nursery)?

Please please seek medical advice and go back to work and see how you feel then. FWIW I think antidepressants and/or counselling, plus getting some of your old life back by going back to work, could make a huge difference to how you feel about being a parent.

Also consider contacting PANDAS
pandasfoundation.org.uk/

My friend had a lot of help from mind, the mental health charity

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/about-maternal-mental-health-problems/

Please get help, it's not normal to feel how you do especially as you've said you did want the baby. My friend struggled horrificall initially, but Mind helped her so so much

GP, perinatal team know. Still not in antidepressants but I may be. Don't think it will make a difference but let's see

Hb as well

This is far more common than you realise - the only thing that's wrong is that you need a bit of mental health support. Please call your GP and/or your health visitor today and tell them everything you've told us. Xxx

Sorry just seen your update. Give them another call anyway. Update them. Keep in constant contact so they can keep helping you x

How old is the baby? Bonding doesn't happen straight away for everyone, and that's not talked about enough. Sometimes it's a slow burn at the beginning and the change in life is a real shock. Just because you don't feel an immediate bond doesn't mean it won't develop in time. If you need to go back to work PT to FT to help your own mental health there's really no problem with that - if it's what you need don't let your partner talk you out of it.

It sounds exactly the same as my feelings when my daughter was born in 1978. You must contact your GP ASAP, taking a friend or ideally your husband, with you. Ask for a double appointment. Probably better if your baby is looked after for the duration of the appointment. Be completely honest about your feelings. Don’t reject any medication that your GP may suggest, or a further referral to another expert or support group. You will get out of this but you need to take help. I have never forgotten how I felt. It was awful. Take the help, stop feeling guilty. This isn’t a personal failing and it isn’t your fault either. It’s down to chemistry- your hormones are on a roller coaster! I promise you that it will all be alright in the end. As I write this, my 42 year old daughter is on a zoom staff meeting. She is a confident and loving person with lots of scope. She is an infants teacher and loves her job. I have spent today with her 2 children, working on their home schooling due to Covid. They are wonderful. I went on to have a second child, a son. I loved him immediately butI had a more severe post natal illness during which I had to spend a week in hospital. My recovery was much quicker. He also has 2 children and is a loving parent and husband. My children both say they had an idyllic childhood and want to do the same with their families. Neither of them are affected in any way by my post natal illness, despite the fact that my daughter was 4 and can recall what happened when her brother was born. You aren’t damaging your child. You are in need of treatment - if you broke your leg you would have a cast on it? It’s just treatment. Take it, take one day at a time. You will be well again soon. Your parenting is going to be tested much later on. Two year olds and teenagers are a challenge! Driving lessons are scary! But you will be well and you will be ready. I’ve had a ball and I would suffer it all again to be young and do it again. Trust me and go get started on your recovery. Soon you will be making sandcastles, wiping sticky ice cream off your toddlers face, laughing at what they are up to. Women like us appreciate their children far more than the people who had no problems. It’s a gift in the end. My thoughts are with you xx

Can your partner stay home and look after baby while you go back to work?
I think you need to speak to gp again.
It’s not uncommon.

You’re in a fog and you need more help- I’ve been there, you tell yourself it’s just the way it is but with some support things can be SO much better. PND is so cruel for all involved and you need to get your GP and HV to listen to you. It doesn’t have to be like this and when things are better (be that through support, medication) you’ll feel glimmers if enjoyment. I thought time would make things better but that’s a really damaging approach for both you and your child. Things will get better- I hope you start getting heard by your healthcare team very soon.

I don't think it is all depression. I think there us a big lie(pregnancy, maternity) that I believe, the reality I don't know if I want it longterm. I am preparing myself for the worst scenario, leaving. I will still be present in her life sometimes. I will give it time for medication to work...
Grandma comes 830 till 16h.I just do morning feed and after she leaves... It feels great. I am just not interested in anything else from baby...
I love my partner though...

What do the perinatal team say? Only cos.ive been in a similar situation

To give it time for meds to work. To try and be with baby 10 min per day while grandma is here. Do sometimes mid night feed + breakfast +afternoon I already do.
How did you solve it @Someone1987?