Hi all
Oh am currently 16 weeks pregnant with my second child. I currently have a 10 month old.
This pregnancy was totally unexpected. I had been on the pill end came of it - and was due to get the coil fitted two days later but I had to cancel the appointment as I had a bad cough (damm covid!!) by the time I could get a rescheduled appointment I had already found out I was pregnant!
I am really not taking this pregnancy very well. I’ve know I was pregnant now for 10 weeks and I can truly say it’s the worst 10 weeks of my life. Since finding out I slowly lost all joy I once had and I have lost the live for my 10 month old. I don’t want to be around her, she feels like a burden to me and I don’t feel the love I once felt for her- some would say I was obsessed with her, I looked at her and my heart ached and burst with pride but now I feel nothing and so empty .
I wanted to take my own life. I had thoughts of drowning myself in the bath :( I googled methods of suicide. This is the extent of how bad things are. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it but I really don’t want to be alive anymore . I’ve been getting ‘help’ from the primary mental health team now for 4 weeks since I nearly took a breakdown and had to call for help ( I really do want to get better) but I feel like I can’t :’(
I have suffered from depression and anxiety throughout my life & I had been on sertaline but now the clinical psychiatrist has started me on mirtazapine 2 weeks ago.
I can honestly say I would do anything to not be pregnant. I stressed everything to my partner and the medical professionals involved and getting rid of the baby has never been advised to me even though having the baby could be severely detrimental to my mental health. My partner advised me he would leave me if I done anything to end this pregnancy. I am being called selfish for having these thoughts but I feel it isn’t selfish to want to look after your own mental health and the baby I do have you know?
Anyway I so severely depressed and I don’t even want to get up out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to care for my 10 month old. If I didn’t see her for a week I would not care. I really don’t want to be alive anymore feeling like this. Some days I just feel maybe I am a selfish bitch and that being a mother just isn’t for me? But those first 8 months with my baby I was the happiest I’ve ever been until this all happened. I’m so down and I’m so confused with everything. All I can do is think the worst things ever about how I can’t manage with having two children especially so close in age. I am really not feeling good about myself one bit:
I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I am being forced into having a baby I really don’t want - my partner wants this baby yet he works away all week and will only be there at the weekend? So how is this fair. I’m the one going to be stuck with a baby I don’t want. I already feel like I don’t want the baby I already have. Everyone loves to keep telling me that I will feel differently once the baby arrives and it’ll be the best thing ever to happen to me but I really don’t think it will be. I resent myself. I resent this baby inside me so much and I dont even feel any love for the baby I do have. I really don’t know how I can continue feeling like
This any longer