Unplanned 3rd Pregnancy and don't know how to feel.

[KIKOx4]

Hi, I am married with 2 children (4 years and 13 months) and just found out I am pregnant. I figure I am right at 5 weeks along. This is an unplanned or lack of planning pregnancy and because of this I am feeling tremendous guilt. My first 2 pregnancies we used ovulation test kits, basal thermometers and apps and still took over a year. After my last pregnancy I was not using contraceptive and kept meaning to schedule an appointment to go to the doctor's office and get an IUD, but never did. I already have my hands full raising 2 kids and working full time. I also struggle with depression, especially during pregnancy and postpartum. I have always been against terminating a pregnancy, but now that i find myself in this position I am honestly thinking about contacting my OB/GYN to see about the abortion pill.

I feel like I am holding a double edge sword. If I have the baby I am afraid of ruining my family dynamic I have now with my 2 children, afraid I won't have as strong of a bond nor will I be able to care for them as well. I am also afraid of the depression and how I will handle caring for another child. On the flip side I am worried about guilt and depression if I go through with the termination. The amount of guilt I am feeling right now because of how unresponsible I was is killing me.
I am hoping to get some words of advice from others out there, that have gone through similar things and what they decided on doing.
Thanks in advance.

Yes very similar OP but my smallest was about three months younger than yours - I went ahead and kept the baby and she is now the absolute light of my life. However, that doesn’t mean it’s the right decision for you and I have in the past terminated a pregnancy when I knew it was absolutely not right, I don’t feel guilt about that as such but have fleeting thoughts about who that baby would be, how old etc... Op have you Anyone to talk this through with in real life and does your partner know yet?

Sorry that you're in a difficult situation.

I'd recommend talking to a specialist counsellor, one who is trained in talking through this precise situation. You need to be able to talk openly without fearing any judgment so that you can work through your thoughts and work out what is best for you and your family.

The fact that you know that antenatal and postnatal depression is an issue means that this could be cared for from early on. Also, don't assume that because your most recent pregnancy was affected that this one would be the same.

Your post makes you sound as though you're not in the UK?

I was in the exact same position a couple of years ago. I ended up terminating at about 8 weeks and if I’m honest I’ve found it hard to live with. I went into denial for a few months but then it hit me what I’d done and I had an awful few months where I felt very depressed, had to have counselling etc. I made the decision for good reasons and I know that but I think I thought I could ‘erase’ the mistake and make it go away. I came to realise afterwards that it didn’t really work like that. It’ll always be something I carry with me. This is just my experience though and not everyone feels like that after a termination. It really is an individual decision. Good luck, I hope things work out whatever you decide

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. You do have choices available to you albeit none are easy.
We have 3 children, albeit all planned and it definitely is a different dynamic. However, we chose that dynamic as I didn’t want the perfect square of two parents, two children especially as we had one of each. It’s louder and more expensive and it’s a bugger to find hotel rooms that sleep 5 but it’s what we wanted. If it’s not what you want then you don’t need to continue out of guilt. I hope you have access to all the info you need to make an informed choice.

Our 3rd baby is the absolute icing on the cake for our family. We are all obsessed with her :)

Wow, thank you so much for all the responses. I really appreciate everyone that took the time to write!

@Goodebe - I did get a chance to talk to my husband tonight. He is not wanting a 3rd child, but said overall it's up to me to decide. He isn't home much, which leaves me as the primary caregiver of the kids.

@INeedNewShoes - Thank you for recommending talking to a counselor. I am going to try and locate someone that specializes in these situations. My problem is, I live in a rural community and it takes 2.5 hours to get to the next city that offers these services and an OB/GYN. Hopefully i can find a counselor willing to talk via the phone before too long.
I am not from the UK, i am actually from the US, i think that's funny you could tell that just from my post. Hopefully it's ok that I posted on here .

@NC866 - what you wrote really resonates with me. I am so afraid of going through exactly how you feel. I feel like my reasoning to terminate is justified, but i am worried, like you said, that i think I can "erase" my mistake. And you are right, regardless of what I choose, this is something I will live with for the rest of my life.

@KIKOx4, I hope things are a little clearer for you after speaking to your husband. I think it seemed likely that you were in the US when you talked about contacting your OB/GYN which we don’t have here in the UK. Well, there are OBs and Gynaecologists based in hospitals but we don’t register with one, just get referred to them if/when needed. I’ve had 4 pregnancies and didn’t see an OB at any point in any pregnancy as I wasn’t high risk so just had midwife care. Also you referred to your ‘doctor’s office’. The fact you’re in the US also adds another financial consideration I guess. Babies are expensive enough here in the UK but so much more for you in the US.
Do you have access to adequate antenatal counselling around your choices? I hope so. It’s not at all an easy choice because as a pp said, having a termination isn’t a reset. You still need to learn to live with that. It may be the right decision for you but if you do decide to terminate, make sure you have lots of support as you’ll very likely feel a strange mixture of relief mixed with sadness and possible regret. Also, often when a couple decide to terminate, the husband thinks it’s done and carAgain, if you decide to keep the baby, you’ll need a serious talk with your husband about the level of support he gives and that you’ll need going forward.

@NellyJames makes a good point about really discussing with your husband the support you’ll need, either way. When we were in this position my husband was very supportive and I felt like we made the decision together, BUT, after the termination I felt he really didn’t / couldn’t understand what a massive thing I had gone through. It did cause problems in our marriage and we’re only coming through it now 2 years on. He was sympathetic but he didn’t get it and I became very resentful of that. To him it was a ‘problem taken care of’ and before the termination I was of a similar mind, but after the event I realised it was so much more than that and part of me hated him for not feeling the pain I felt. The ironic thing is I terminated because of fear over a third baby ruining the lovely status quo of our family but actually the termination did that. Things are better now but it was awful for a while and it’s changed me and our relationship forever.

I’m NOT saying this happens to everyone or is a given. It was my experience though. And my husband is a lovely caring person. But he just didn’t get it. And after the event I stopped feeling like we were ‘in it together’ and very much felt the burden was mine - I signed the paperwork, I took the tablets, I went through the pain and physical effects. All me, not him. How could he understand how that felt?

@NellyJames - Things aren't clearer after speaking to my husband. He has reiterated that overall it's my choice, but he has made it clear that he does not want this third baby.
I actually didn't see an OB/GYN for my pregnancies either. I live in a small town, so we actually just see our family doctor for everything. They don't preform traditional abortions in the town I live in, I didn't call to see about the abortion pill. I know about 75% of the people in the doctors office, so it's something I want to avoid doing locally. I have seen an OB/GYN in the closest city (2.5 hours away) for other issues, so was planning on contacting them. I was hoping that the clinic she is located at, will know of a prenatal counselor. Someone that I could discuss where I am at mentally with all this. I don't have the support as far as my husband, family or friends go. We weren't going to tell anyone, due to everyone not believing in abortions. My hiccup now... I found out the other night that I have COVID and will have to quarantine for over a week. Which puts me at Dec 21st for out of quarantine. If i decided on terminating, I wanted to have it done sooner the better.

@NC866 Thank you for being so honest, but I am not going to lie, what you write scares me. It is a massive thing and I agree 100% my husband, like yours will never fully understand what i am going through. Regardless of what i decide, I know this is going to cause problems with my husband. I know if I decide to terminate, I will get to a point where I am going to regret it. I need to decide if that's something I will be able to move past, knowing that it was the right decision for me and my family.

When you say you felt a 3rd child would ruin your status quo, what do you mean by that? One of my worries of having 3, would be ruining my dynamic i have right now with my 2 children. I already struggle having enough time with the kids between working and house work. If i had a 3rd child I feel like that would rob the time i have with my 2 children even more. Then like what a pp posted, life is kind of made for families of 4. All these things are running through my head as I try and decide what is best and if i can physically and mentally handle raising a 3rd child. But then if I decide to terminate, if I could handle what I did mentally.

@KIKOx4 my worries about ruining the status quo were exactly the same as yours, plus finances and childcare etc. We are lucky here with maternity leave and I would get a year off (relatively well paid for 9 months) but I was worried about paying for nursery after that (expensive here, not sure what it’s like in the US) and / or asking my mum to do more childcare for me. I also worried what people would think, which seems silly now. I was basically worried about everything! I panicked as well because I think I had undiagnosed depression after my second child, but then I was juggling a 2 year old as well plus we moved house and took on a big project.

Basically I look back and understand why I made the decision I did and still think it was probably sensible in a lot of ways, but what I didn’t foresee at all was the damage it would do to my marriage (not sure it’ll ever be quite the same again) and my mental health. It was like the way I viewed myself changed. I did something I never thought I’d do and I hated myself / didn’t recognise myself. I had some counselling and it helped and I’ve worked through a lot of it but it’s been tough. It wasn’t a quick fix for me to solve a problem. And I think about that baby and who they might have been. I’m sure I always will. I feel a gap in the family sometimes.

To be clear though I am just sharing MY experience, I’m 100% pro choice and I know a lot of women don’t suffer after abortion and it was fully the right choice for them. I just think explore your doubts before you do anything. And although your husband has a say as well, ultimately it will affect you more. It just will.

@NC866 I understand this is your experience and I appreciate you sharing it with me. I also want to say how sorry I am that you have had to mentally go through the things you have had to go through. My heart aches for you ❤
I am still very much on the fence. At this point I feel like either decision doesn't feel right. I am so torn. I made the call to the doctor's office today to get more information and just saying why I was calling made me start crying. I understand completely what you are saying, when you said you hated yourself. I hate myself, for creating a life and not wanting it, for being irresponsible, it's killing me that I feel this way...
I understand what you mean by status quo. I hadn't even thought of the baby financially yet. Like you at the time, we just moved into our home 6 months ago. There's a lot yet to complete that will cause financial burdens. With daycare, once the baby was born my daughter would be in school, so we would have 2 childcare bills plus after school care. Between all those, my entire paycheck would be going to daycare. We are allowed 12 weeks maternity leave, but only 2 weeks for me will be paid for. I didn't realize you guys received that much maternity leave in the UK, what a blessing.
Something else I didn't mention, both my sister in laws are due in 2021. I feel like the babies will be a painful reminder, of our baby. They would be so close in age, I think it would be impossible not to think of at every milestone, every birthday.
Sorry for unloading, I am thankful for having somewhere to get all my thoughts out.