Feeling so depressed in second pregnancy

[BaaHumbugg]

I am about 7 weeks with my second but not told anyone, I feel so down and like I don't want to wake up in the morning. Everyone of my pregnancies I have felt this dark cloud hanging over me, I never normally experience depression like this in day to day life I am normally happy and easy going.

I had a termination with my first as my depression was so bad, then had my daughter who I would not be without, now I feel the same way again.

I can't work out my feelings, I'm so scared of my wonderful family of 3 being disrupted by a new baby, I don't even know if I want another one and think I'm just doing it for my other half, I just wish this feeling would go away but whatever decision I make I think will be awful, have a termination and then get the crashing hormones afterwards or have another child and potentially reject it because I'm not sure if it's what I want.

Sorry this is a ramble just feel so low right now wondered if anyone can relate.

Bumping

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I was very depressed when pregnant too - it was the most awful feeling and you don't feel you can tell anyone. You really need to speak to your GP though - you shouldn't have to suffer like this and your GP can help. I wish I had - my pre natal turned into post natal and I struggled for a very long time.

Thank you

@BaaHumbugg hi lovely, I don't really have any advice but didn't want to read and run. I understand a little with how your feeling. I had a termination when I was 19 and it really affected me for years. I'd say it probably took until having my little boy (now 18 months) to 'get over it' if you like or move past is probably a better way to put it.
I love my little boy more than anything, we've had lots going on at home since just before lockdown which hadn't helped I'm sure but either way.. I have always wanted 2 children, for the fact I have a sister and as much as we hated each other at times cause she always acted like my mum I love her and wouldn't be without her. My partner wasn't so keen as he already has a 14 yo from a previous relationship, he doesn't live in UK though so we don't really get to see him. So my little one misses out on having his big brother.. anyway I got over thinking I won't have anymore as much as I was sad I respected my partners wishes. However fast forward some time and I'm now 23 weeks pregnant with twins. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared but happy. I was terrified to tell my OH but when I did he was actually ok. Realised yes we can do this (I hadn't got rid of any of my little one stuff yet either which was going to make life cheaper!) fast forward to 12 weeks scan, it's twins FUCK! I literally no longer wanted either of them, I was so annoyed that there was two, why on earth would I want two babies at one time when I only wanted one?! I lost my mind not knowing how I was going to cope, mentally, physically and emotionally.. I would drive home from work and thinking what if something happened and I 'accidentally' drove really fast and swerved into a tree of a wall. Would I just die and it all be ok? Or would I just lose the babies and try and seem sad but feel ok about it really? As I said there was other things at home going on to regards home and jobs etc.
I would take the dogs out for a walk and look down at the lead in my hand and on more than one occasion thought what If I just strung myself up from a tree, I wonder how long it would take for someone to realise I was gone and come and a look for me..
I have a history of clinical depression from when I was a teenager (I'll be 29 next month) and it worries me that it will come back. Even after all these thoughts I don't feel like I've been depressed as such. Just really down. But I worry that one more thing will happen and I'll be in a hole that I can't get out of.
I can honestly say the one thing that has been a constant thought whether it be at the front or back of my mind at the time is my boy NEEDS me. How selfish would I be to do something that meant he didn't have his mum anymore. No he wouldn't remember it being only 18 months but he would know when he's older that his mum couldn't stay alive even for him and it scares me that he'd then hate me for being so selfish.
I haven't been to the GP about how I feel because I'm not sure I feel bad enough to warrant worrying others about it, but I know if I feel myself getting worse I will speak to my midwife at the very least.
Saying that if you are feeling how you are it really is worth speaking to GP or midwife.
I know I didn't need to babble on for so long but I wanted to know your not alone in your feelings. I still don't feel 'connected' to these babies in the slightest, I touch my tummy all the time and rub it and concentrate on when they're kicking to see if I can muster up some sort of connection but it's just not there. I just hope that when they are here I will hold them and that overwhelming love will come. Although it's not a feeling I had with my first.. I was just laying in a bed holding a baby I didn't even begin to know how to care for! Even when I was home I said to my partner so now what? I just watch him sleep? What do I do with him?!
I also know that as hard as it's going to be and I worry that I will likely end up speaking to GP at some point after they are here I would be absolutely devastated if anything was to happen to either of them now.
Sorry about rambling I hope at least some of what I have said makes you feel like you are not alone and I have confidence it will be all ok in the end because what choice is there really? I can tell in your heart of hearts termination is not the way forward but you also shouldn't have a second child just for your partner. Have you spoken to your partner about how your feeling he might share some of your feelings of the change of family dynamic etc and may be talking it through with him might make you feel a little lighter. Sending hugs x

Thankyou Emma I hope you are feeling okay now. I will speak to my partner but he doesn't understand really I don't think he knows how it feels for me

Anyone else suffering? I feel like I can't cope at the moment and I feel so ill. Don't know if I can do this

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so low. I’m also pregnant with my second. I’m more anxious than depressed, as I had pnd with my son so am conscious of it happening again. I’m having to put certain things in place now to avoid becoming unwell again. Lots of self care, journaling, meditating every morning and I’ll be going back to therapy as the pregnancy progresses just so I have somewhere to vent if things get tough.

Have you been to your GP? X

Wow that sounds really productive good for you, It's good you are putting things in place and hopefully that will help you.

I've not been to the GP no, I can't even leave the house at the moment

That sounds absolutely awful. I'm so sorry. 7 weeks is not very far in and you've got a long way to go, so it's worth jumping on this! Well done for recognising that it's depression.

I actually get the opposite, where I am very prone to depression and anxiety in normal life but when pregnant it seems to clear up. But I can certainly relate to how you feel now. Covid and other world crises really aren't helpful to anyone who's depressed at the moment. It's hard to feel hopeful even if you are healthy.

You said that you can't leave the house - is that because of the depression or because you're supposed to stay home for some reason?

It is really important to keep up the tiny steps of self care, which don't seem like much but if you don't do them, you'll feel worse. Such as:

• shower & brush teeth every day
• take multi vitamin
• eat fresh good food, not crap
• go outside into the sunlight every day even if you sit and stare into space
• drink plenty of water
• go to bed early
• tidy and clean at least a little bit each day
• connect with another adult

I realise these seem like no-brainers but sometimes it helps to have a checklist of the basics. You can ask your DP for support to help you make sure you're looking after yourself in those ways.

Then if and when you do feel able you should pick up the phone and call your GP for an appointment.

If you really can't then you could call a counselling hotline or if you're serious about the termination thoughts, call a family planing counsellor to help clarify your feelings.

I would say that if you've had your little girl and it's been a joy being her mum, there's no reason to think that another baby won't expand that joy. Watching siblings play and grow together is just wonderful. It is most likely that everything will work out, and that your fears and negative feelings are the depression rather than an accurate prediction of reality.

You do need support though, don't suffer alone! Please do sit DP down and show him the mind.org.uk page on perinatal depression, and say this is quite serious for you. He may be able to help you organise the GP visit too.

Thank you so much, I recognise everything your saying but it's like I can't put any of it into practise. I will set myself a target maybe to do one thing a day might help.

I can't leave the house because of the depression and exhaustion and because I can't face getting dressed or having a wash, as I say I'm not normally like this and it's pretty crushing to be honest.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me

@BaaHumbugg I had horrific anxiety and depression in my second pregnancy. Convinced I didn't want the baby I had tried for and contemplated suicide a number of times. I booked 3 abortions and cancelled all of them the days before. Even rang the Samaritans one day.

I got help from my midwife and was referred to the mental health team. I had a special midwife visit my home every couple weeks, was referred to a specialist GP who prescribed medication that is okay in pregnancy. Befriended women on here who had been through/were going through the same thing. It honestly was the worst few month of my life and I'm amazed I'm still here.

Please speak to a midwife and ask for a referral to the mental health team. Did you want this baby before you fell pregnant? If so, your mind is lying to you, don't let it drive you to do something you may regret.

My boy is 6 months old now. I could not love him more if I tried. Every time I look at him I am so thankful he is here and feel proud of myself for making it through that time.

Feel free to DM me when you need xxx

Thanks @Luna2019 I was pretty ambivalent about another child to be honest but then I was pretty ambivalent about having my first too so I can see objectively that it might be my mind playing tricks on me.

I'm glad you got through it and sounds like you are doing so well now, I know how I felt after my last termination and I can't decide if the depression was worse than this, I think it probably was to be honest.

How are you feeling OP? @BaaHumbugg

A little better thanks, I am still feeling depressed but it feels a bit more manageable at the moment.

When you had your daughter, did you feel this bad throughout pregnancy or mainly at the start?

I felt pretty down (nothing as bad as you have said but definitely low mood) in my second pregnancy but it improveds a lot after the first trimester (homonal change maybe? don't know)

Yes I felt exactly the same, it did lift towards the second trimester so hopefully it will be the same this time.

@BaaHumbugg glad you are feeling a little better xxx

I was ok in first pregnancy but yes I did struggle this time in my second pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant at about four weeks a few days before lockdown was announced in March so I do think that was a huge factor but my mental health was definitely not quite right.

I was really worried about the timing and felt that this was the "wrong" baby and we should have had one later, which is daft as before becoming pregnant we couldn't wait. I had some very specific medical worries that I got very hung up on too.

Things got much much better in second trimester, although now in third and have occasional moments (more of anger and anxiety than depression). Again I don't know how much of the improvement was due to restrictions easing, as they did at the same time

All the best OP, no advice but I do hope it gets better for you

Thanks @Luna2019

@cutthetoastupwrong I hope you are feeling okay now, I think the lockdown doesn't help as I feel a bit irresponsible bringing a child into the world in it's current state, silly I know.