4 weeks pregnant and feel my life is over - please help.

[Eamhair]

I found out two days ago I am four weeks pregnant and I feel terrible to the point of suicidal thoughts. I just want someone to reassure me that everything will be ok.

My mental health has been appalling recently, a few months ago I thought nothing else of having a baby and two months ago me and my partner decided to try. My partner is excited and so should I be as this is what I wanted. i am 33 and really feel it is now or never.

I haven't stopped crying since I found and haven't slept. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm mourning a death. We have a busy life and lots of friends, go to gigs, cinema, meals out (well pre-lockdown) and trips away. I don't know what I was thinking, as I know my life won't be the same any more.

We are in a one-bedroom house and had planned to sell it and move in with my parents so we could save up money to buy somewhere else but I feel like now I am pregnant we can't burden my parents with a baby.

We aren't in the greatest financial position, for two of us we earn an decent wage but I struggle to see how we will do everything we want to with a kid. I also worry that our parents are older and won't have energy to help out with childcare. My parents will be 68 when the baby will be born and my partners 63 and 61. I am also about my parents dying and having no family support. I can't imagine not having a night away with my partner ever again. I also feel like I am grieving for the life I will be giving up and I just want to put a pause on life and have it stay this way forever.

But then I think I would regret if I was to give up the baby. I always like the idea of a family and as my siblings don't have children and are unlikely too, I feel it would be lonely not having children in my life if I was to ever split up with my partner. The thought of holidays and Christmas on my own seems so sad too. I feel I would regret not having children when I am older and the thought of being older with no children seems lonely.

I also worry about how I would cope if I had a child with severe disabilities or was very challenging. I think this is my own anxiety talking. I have friends who have children but they have much younger grandparents who can help out.

I worry I won't make friends with other parents, that my own friendships will suffer and I will be lonely. I also worry my partner will have to give up his hobbies. But then I know our own friendship group will change and that even some of them might have kids and then we will be left out.

I am having counselling once a fortnight to help with issues with trauma and part of the work I have been doing is realising that my thoughts on control and not being able to cope with uncertaintly relates to this. Having children though is the biggest uncertainty but I know rationally that nothing in life is guaranteed. It might be the biggest joy in my life or the worst thing I ever do.

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Other people seem to manage it so easily. I have been obsessively reading on the internet today about people who have regretted having kids and not having kids to try and get both sides of the story and I think this has made my head worse.

Sorry this is very jumbled and doesnt make sense. I don't make sense. I almost just want to end my life to stop all these thoughts. I cried in my partners arms and asked why I can't be a normal person, who doesn't have anxiety and is overly worried and just take life as it comes. How I can be worried about having a children and at the same time worried I won't have them. This isn't normal. Surely being pregnant shouldn't make you petrified about your own parents dying. Today I just wanted to phone my mum and tell her I was pregnant and all my thoughts so she could make me better but I knew that was selfish. I want to stop all these what ifs and thoughts in my head. I feel like I need urgent help but don't know where to go.

Oh op this is a very sad state to be in. Firstly you’re not alone. This was me when I discovered I was pregnant, his parents are older and mine are not helpful and I just didn’t know what to do. I felt like my life would never be the same no matter what I did. I now have a 9 month old. My life IS different, absolutely unrecognisable. I no longer go out for nights on the town, I’ve got no time for painting my toenails and just going to the supermarket can be a 3 hour production what with getting us both ready and actually leaving the house. I no longer work, I’ve much less contact with friends and I can’t remember the last time I had a long uninterrupted bath. Do I miss all the freedom, sûre. Do I wish sometimes that me and my partner could just sod off on holiday or even just out for a meal, of course. But honestly, I’m not maternal, never have been, but this is the best thing I ever did. I have a little person growing up right in front of me whom I adore with all my heart. Every day she makes me laugh, breaks my heart with sheer, unconditional love and makes me want to cry with joy. She also frequently makes me cry with frustration, I’ve never been so tired in all my life and its changed my relationship forever. My body will never be the same but it’s worth it. Every single negative is outweighed by the positive that I’m a mum and that this amazing little girl came from me. I love it, never looked back for more than a fleeting moment, my new life is so much better than the old. I doubt I’d have regretted it if I made the other choice, but that’s because I didn’t know what I’d be missing. Only you can decide what to do but don’t not do it because you’re worried about babysitters - my parents wouldn’t, his parents would dearly love to but I haven’t wanted to leave her yet - the bond really is that strong. Good luck and keep seeking help. Don’t forget that suicide is NEVER the answer - your place on this earth is precious, don’t lose it. If you ever need a chat feel free to message me, I’m not going to pretend I can help but I’m always willing to listen 😊

Hey,

I just want to say I was in a similar situation to yourself in 2018 where I found myself pregnant initially happy and then I became so anxious and riddled with negative thoughts. In the end I decided to terminate the pregnancy. I’m not advising you to do so as I feel the hormones in the beginning of pregnancy are mostly to blame! Think about all the reasons you wanted the pregnancy to begin with! Also, I’ve heard a lot of women say that they feel better after the first trimester and when they’ve actually seen the baby on a scan etc and are able to talk to a midwife about their concerns at the first appointment.

I myself am now wanting to try for a baby again but like you I’m very anxious before it has even begun and I’m questioning myself again. I’m going to start on anti depressants and see how I feel in a few months time. It is a life changing, big decision I think it would be weird not to feel anxious!!

Sending love

Hi 🙂 I'm 8 weeks and I can relate to your feelings. I also have anxiety and its tricky because I think the hormonal changes can trigger anxiety attacks. It is difficult to know what is what in these early weeks, so I'm told. Please don't look to hard at the suicidal thoughts, sounds daft but when I get anxious thoughts about not being able to do this I go outside. Sit on a bench and just breathe for a while. Lockdown makes us feel more isolated but we're not alone. Ring your mum and talk to her about it, it's not selfish its sharing. She has been where you are and can comfort you. My mum is 64 and I'm the same age as you... she is crazy happy about helping with childcare, don't count her support out. That's the anxiety talking... I wish I could sit with you a while as I honestly do panic too. Don't give up. Whatever you decide to do with your pregnancy is right for you. I've decided to keep going and ask for as much help as I can get. But, really all we need is a bit of reassurance that we can do this. You're normal lady and you can do this x

How are you OP?

I'm so sorry you feel this way, Earnhair.

You will be able to have your baby in a one bed property, lots of people start off that way and your baby will be sleeping in your room for a while anyway. Don't give up your home to stay with parents, whatever the financial advantages.

Fwiw my mum was 70 when I had my baby (I was 29), and she was extremely helpful and a marvellous grandmother. She lived to 86 and was fit and well until the end, died of a leaking aneurysm. My in laws were younger and very helpful too. Don't worry about them dying, they could all live to a ripe old age.

When you're on mat leave you'll find you spend less money and save more (less shoes and lattes :-) ). Organise your child care early on.

I'm sure you'll be tested for most things but at 33 you and your baby are at no particular risk, 36 and over for a first baby is when 'they' start thinking of you as being 'older' and you know yourself plenty of women have perfectly healthy babies when they are older than average.

Why worry in advance about a child being disabled when it probably won't be? You're creating problems in advance.

However you cannot help how you feel. It is early days and your hormones are affecting your thinking. In a short while that will settle down and you'll feel more content, I promise you.

Keep well and try to be positive.

Congratulations.

I'm reading this and feel like I've nearly written it.

I also made the mistake of googling people regretting having children and quickly realised that wasn't a good move.

I'm also sharing in your worries about losing friends, my work, money, just how my life will change overall.

From things I've read I think these feelings are more normal than we realise! I think everybody thinks you have to be excited when I don't think that's the case for a lot of women!

I spoke to my partner about it all last night and he's fully supportive of whichever decision I choose to make (even though I know a termination would break his heart). But if anything his reaction and how supportive he is has made me realise that it will all be ok and I know he will look after me. He's reassured me that I will have time to go out with my friends as he will also take care of the baby and not everything is going to be left to me.

I still don't feel excited but I feel like it may be ok. I do still worry about the baby's health etc but I guess scans will show that.

Thinking of you and I hope you can ease your worries, I think there are a lot of us in the same boat!

Honestly I feel you.

My LO is 1. We had a life like yours. Lots of nights out, gigs, festivals, skiing, holidays etc etc. Knew that having a baby would change things. And it has but the changes have been amazing. If met some really lovely new friends through being a mum.
Having a little person is hard to begin with but so much fun.

COVID spoilt our plans for this year. Last year we still went on holiday. Different with a baby. But still fun. We've got holidays and festivals planned next year. Baby's/children are very portable. The bigger they get, the more fun they are.

I'm so sorry to hear how much you are suffering, but just wanted to say that you're not alone, you're not a bad person and things absolutely WILL get better. You are not your thoughts. You are wonderful and special and your feelings are valid. Please do find somebody to speak to and remember that it's absolutely OK to feel not OK. Sending love. Xx