I wish I had an abortion

[daisybeexxx]

I'm a single mum to two under 2. Eldest is actually 2 in a week, youngest is nearly 10 months. Me and their dad had a nasty break up when the youngest was 2 days old when I found out he'd been cheating on me with one of his younger employees from work. He still sees them twice a week while I'm at work, we're not on the best of terms but I think things are very slowly improving.

My mental health is in tatters. I didn't want our youngest to begin with but their dad would manipulate me into thinking I'm the worst person in the world for even suggesting a termination. He was happy about this very very big surprise - I couldn't have been further from happy. I was breastfeeding and sleep deprived and deep in the throes of PND. Though I was wrongly diagnosed as 'just sleep deprived' by my GP. Though something I've come to learn about myself since being a mother is that I just generally just don't cope very well with lack of sleep. I can't adjust to it. I feel like everyone else just gets on with it? I literally feel fucking poisonous when I've had a shit nights sleep, which is pretty much every night, or when the kids have woke me up at 5am (which they do, between 5-5.30am, every single morning).

I've noticed recently that I just don't feel as connected to my youngest. It makes me want to kill myself to be perfectly honest. I wish I felt differently. I just can't help but think my life would be so much easier without him. I love him so so so much. I wouldn't be without him, I do adore him. But I can't stop these thoughts that come when he's screaming for no apparent reason (presumably teeth when all other options have failed). I can't cope with the noise level, that's another thing that impacts my mental health. I really can't handle it. I'm so short tempered and I do shout sometimes. Sometimes I just have to go upstairs for 5 minutes and leave him to cry. Making sure he's safe, obviously. I know that makes me a horrible person and it's things like this that make me question why I'm here or why I never had an abortion. I'm in such a dark place at the minute. I don't know if I want or need any advice. I know what my options are, GP or health visitor. Family aren't an option to help, I only have my mum and she has to juggle a job, caring for my Nan and helping me. I hate putting pressure on her so she doesn't know how I feel, she's stressed enough and I know this would send her under if she knew I felt like this, so I pretend I'm fine. I don't have any friends who I feel I can talk to. Not in depths like this anyway. I think I just needed to vent and see if there was anyone else whose been here. Anyone else whose been through the same thing and can hopefully tell me that it gets better. I don't want meds either, I stopped Sertraline in Feb, don't want to go down that avenue again. Like I said I don't want advice, I just need to know that it's going to get better.

You need to get some proper support. Go back to your gp. Hopefully someone will have some more advice soon.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. You are not a horrible person at all. You're just struggling which is natural. Having a toddler and a baby is extremely difficult, especially if you're doing it alone. I think you need to open up to those close to you - let them know how you're not coping. I know you're separated from the father but how much support is he offering? How often do you get a break? Also ask your mum for help now and again. Yes she had her hands full but I'm sure she wouldn't want you to suffer to this extent. I think you need to see a doctor to address your mental health struggles. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people seek help in these circumstances. Yes IT WILL get better. You're going through the toughest part right now. I had the same age gap with my 2 and it was so, so hard when one was 2 and the other was a baby. It's been much easier for many years now. They are now 9 and 7 and happily amuse themselves for hours!

I’m struggling with what I suspect is PND too, have an 11 week old DS. It’s shit.

I have a DH but honestly he’s little help emotionally, sometimes it feels worse when he’s around, and my mum is also torn with caring for others (Gran and DF who has cancer) and her job.

It’s ok to let them cry for 5 minutes as long as they’re safe. It’s ok to remove yourself and get head space when there’s nothing you can do for them. (My HV told me that)
You are not a bar person or a bad mum.

If you don’t have any concerns about your EXDP as a parent then I’d be getting him to do more. There’s really no reason for any parent not to have their child 50% of the time and this might give you chance to recharge. Even if he just had then 2 full days and nights. You could catch up on some sleep xx

OP, I don't have much advise but I will say, those are awful ages!!! Mine are a bit older ans honestly it's a lot easier. I think most people in your situation would have those feelings, I found two extremely difficult with a partner so I can only imagine what you're going through. In time though, they will be great entertainment for each other and you will get to have more of a life. My youngest cries a lot and sometimes I shout, I'm only human and we're all doing the best we can. Take all the help you can get from your ex. Could you possibly (after lockdown etc) get someone in to take over for a few hours a week? That might be something to consider if finance allows.

Just re-read your post. Can the father (or occasionally your mum) have them sometimes when you're NOT working? That would give you time to rest, catch up on sleep. As for sleep, I also couldn't cope with the deprivation. The good news is they should start sleeping better soon. I'd also consider some type of sleep training if things don't improve soon. It saved my sanity!

It will absolutely get better.

It wasn't till my daughter was about 12 months that I really felt a connection with her, it started when she got to the stage where she could express herself and I could see by her actions how much she loved me and how important to her I was. You are also the most important person in the world to your baby, you can get through this

Now your oldest is nearly 2, are you eligible for any free time at nursery? This is so hard and any respite needs to be grabbed with both hands. What other local support do you have?
I am also hideous when sleep-deprived. I think a lot of people are. They just don’t talk about it...

You are not a horrible person, you are a human and you're probably not giving yourself enough credit for the wonderful job you are doing for your kids. You need to recognise that you are worthy of investment in yourself and seek help. Be it medication or talking therapy, you need support to work through everything you've been through. Look after yourself! (P.s. your ex sounds like a right charmer

I've felt the same with my youngest DC, who is 11 months now.
At my worst, I would have these thoughts from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to sleep, whilst at the same time still so in love with the baby, like you are with yours.
I tried to get out of it on my own but i couldn't. I had to go to the gp and did go on medication (a low dose of prozac) and went to counselling. After the meds, the cloud started to lift within about 2 weeks, I felt so much better.
The counselling helped me to realise that, like you, I felt I had no support but that was because I was protecting other people and didn't want to put pressure on them. I was trying to do everything on my own, but actually, if I did ask DM to have the kids for an hour a week, it would mean a small bit of extra work for her but would make me feel so much better, and I needed that hour free more than she did. I also went through all this without telling anyone.
I came off the medication after about 4 months and am about 95% back to normal now. I have bad moments, but nothing like before where the feeling was completely consuming me.

As pp says if the father is a good dad and willing to do more. Get as much sleep as you can when the children first go to sleep in the evening. It will give you a head start. I know you're reluctant to go back on the tablets, but if it helps you get over this rough patch. You managed to get off of them before, so you will do it again. I'm sure your mum would understand and if either her or ex would have them anytime catch up on your sleep. That seems the priority. Also, stay positive, and see the bigger longer term picture. I know it's very hard at the moment but these times WILL soon pass.

I have DD who just turned 1 and to be honest I've only just fell "in love" with her. I always loved her but never felt that pull on my heart before now.
Before now I honestly felt the same, that it was all a mistake and I wasn't cut out to be a mum. I had depression in the past and didn't want to go down the GP and drugs road again, so I can completely understand you there.
I felt I didn't need any of the PND support in my city. One day on a whim I decided to pop in to a centre they had. I got talking to a peer support worker and later had a session with her where I just talked for ages about everything. No judgment. I got it all off my chest. I didn't think it would help as much as it did. Just having someone to share with and understood. Didn't judge me for saying I didn't want her. The place I went to still does meetings on phone/zoom. I know it's hard to take the first step.

Your absolute not alone. I only have 1 so I think your a superhero doing it with 2!

I was you, I only have one but the first 18 months were hell on earth.

Please go to your GP and show them what you wrote here. You need support and compassion.

It gets better, it gets so much better. I thought I would never recover but slowly but surely it gets better.

You are a brave person asking for help.

This isn't you, this is your illness and also your horrible situation with your children's father. Other people don't just get on with it - many other people find sleep deprivation unbearable. Myself included.

You are experiencing extreme mental health problems and I urge you to please get help. I had horrible PND and PNA and I did get better. There is hope. You are an excellent mother, despite your thoughts to the contrary. The things you do that you think are terrible - they really arent. They are things most of us do regularly in order to cope.

Your mum would rather juggle a little more than get a phone call saying you have taken your own life.

Lots of love and empathy to you xx

How's your health visitor? It sounds like you urgently need support. I had similar feelings about my youngest. My HV was great actually and just called me and called in to see me. Lockdown makes everything feel so much more pressured. Do reach out, it sounds like you are still struggling with PND. You deserve support.

Just to add, the lack of sleep is the reason you are sensitive to the noise. Get the sleep sorted out. You said you just need to know things will get better - yes they will. You can do this. Don't dwell on what you think you should have done. You're only thinking like that because you're in such a bad place at the moment.

Thank you all for your lovely responses. It's comforting to know I'm not alone.

A few of you have mentioned my ex partner helping out more. He unfortunately isn't the kind of person who would want to help the mother of his children. Even during this pandemic while he's been furloughed he will only have them on the days that I'm at work and insists on bringing them back no later than half 11 on the Thursday (I work Tuesday and Wednesday 8am-7pm) so I don't even get chance to have a little lay in and do a food shop. Though when he's working, he works shifts and 48 hours a week. So I suppose he can't really see them anymore than what we had already agreed, which was on the two days that I'm at work. I've already had to cut my hours back because he was meant to have them on a Friday, his day off, but now he won't because he's 'too tired' after working back to back shifts. Which I guess is fair enough, even though it absolutely enraged me at the time. Or am I being too complacent in thinking that's fair? I don't know

Try as much as possible to focus on you and what you need.

Raging about your ex won't help you.

Try to work out what will, is it that you need more sleep, or time to yourself or support to talk to someone.

It's not easy to work out, I started with getting time to myself. When the baby slept I did what I needed, sometimes it was sleep or yoga or a walk. I tried to eat healthy and make sure I showered and had fresh clothes on.

Set small things to get you through. You are an amazing parent you just need a little bit of specific support.

It will get better.

If you haven't got anyone in real life to talk to keep posting here. Look at things like this - you are going through some kind of process at the moment, a mixture of probably pnd, anger, maybe a separate kind of depression as well as postnatal. You've had alot to deal with in a short space of time, a birth, swiftly followed by another, then only two days later a relationship break up. No wonder you feel depressed. Plus the corona virus can't have helped. As a pp said just concentrate on yourself and children now. Just keep things amicable with ex. Other than that don't give him any head space. Concentrate on the sleep issues first. Is it possible you could have some time off work? Do your children wake you much or is it that you don't sleep well even when they do? If the tablets help you sleep at least it will get you in a better routine. Your mind is probably too active. It also seems as if you could do with a break from the children when you're not at work. I know you said your mum has enough to deal with, but I wonder if it at least it makes a change could you do her things for her while she has the children? I'm not sure, but think it may be acceptable now, to mix, maybe someone else can enlighten us? Please, most of all remember - things WILL get better.

You are not a bad mum, you are struggling and I can understand that. When I had PND i felt that the sheer lack of sleep was a major factor, along with baby not taking to the breast and the guilt that came with that.
I see that you were on sertraline but do not wish to go back on it. Could you ask for a referral to a mental health therapy service? Some areas in england allow you to self refer? X