I’m confused as to how the grandparents held him when there aren’t any visitors allowed into hospital?

That sounds like a really traumatic thing to experience, and it's totally understandable that its playing on your mind still. My hospital offer a birth afterthoughts service, where you can talk through what happened and go through your notes. Do you think it might help to understand why you needed the c section and the order of events? Have you told your health visitor how you're feeling? She should be able to help you access more support.

Isadora the OP said this was 7 weeks ago, that was before lockdown and change in visiting rules.

She says her baby is 7 weeks old, we've only been in lockdown for 6 weeks which probably explains the grandparents?

OP - I also had a very sudden emergency CS under general anaesthetic with my first baby and I know exactly what you mean about going over and over it and wanting to talk about it. In my case it followed a long and traumatic labour which also ended with a sudden heart rate drop and very quick decision to CS. I think going over and over it is normal processing and it must be extra hard when you won't have seen many family or friends or as many healthcare professionals as usual in this period. I think it took me 3-4 weeks before I broadly came to terms with what had happened. One thing I found useful to tell myself was that there really hadn't been any choice about the CS, it had to be done for everyone to be safe so it wasn't like I'd made the wrong decision or anything.

It's still very early days for you and it will become less fresh in your memory. My DS is 6 now and I barely think about his birth any more. I did find my second birth (a very speedy VBAC) to be enormously healing though I would be the first to admit I got very lucky that that one went so smoothly.

Congratulations on your lovely little boy, keep talking to your partner and anyone else you can get to listen while you make sense of your feelings.

It might be postponed or take place remotely but can you get a follow up meeting with a consultant to discuss what happened and why the decisions were made?

You’ve made a good start here and maybe with your partners help you can fill in the gaps but I think you should ‘write’ your birth story down as many details as you both can remember. It’s not the birth you would have chosen to have but there’s good to be had in it - dad got to hold him etc was your partner in theatre? Can he tell you for example, did your baby cry immediately? Little details.

For what it’s worth, I had an Elcs no hint of labour, and as soon as they gave me the oxytocin injection I started shaking like leaf and I don’t remember much. I have to ask my husband a lot.

You sound like you had a few obstacles - the liver itchy thing etc - and you thoroughly deserve to show yourself some kindness for being so brave to start induction.

Please keeping talking for as long as you need too and enjoy your wee baby

When the opportunity arises it will be worth having a birth debrief ar hospital. I had a cat 1 crash section with my first and it took 2 years before i was ready to have my debrief. I have PTSD from the experience and still struggle even though he is nearly 6.

The debrief really helped to talk through exactly what happened and why it happened. It also led to me being referred for specialist counselling with a midwife which really helped.

I took a postnatal NCT course which was fab (it just felt like tea and supportive chat) and one thing that stuck with me was the leader saying you need to talk out birth experiences/trauma. So, keep telling people who'll be supportive (like here) and after a while you might find you don't need to as much because you're not thinking about it so much. No-one chooses an emergency CS so it's always a shock

Remember you still gave birth to a baby that you grew, how he arrived into the world does not matter at all and doing it “naturally” is not better. Congratulations on your little one x

I say this as nicely as possible, but could you possibly have pnd? Only reason I suggest it is because I felt similar after my elcs for my DTs. Dd had breathing difficulties and was whisked away and my family saw her before I did although dh insisted first cuddles/skin to skin was with me.

I didn’t feel like their mother until they were about 12 weeks, and felt like I had failed them as I didn’t fall pregnant naturally (ivf) couldn’t birth them ‘naturally’ (severe pe) and struggled to bf (milk didn’t come in properly). I finally sought help for pnd when they were 8 months and started taking ads.

I now know that I absolutely made the right decision for the three of us. I’d asked for a debrief but don’t feel I need one anymore, and have made my peace with my being pretty useless at ‘natural’ stuff - I cook amazing babies, and raise amazing kids! The only thing I regret is not seeking help for my pnd earlier as I really robbed myself of that newborn phase.

Keep talking for as long as you need to, and look after yourself 🌷

Cause my partner was texting them and they came up to the hospital cause he was on his own waiting. And then they wheeled him into him and he held him and passed him to them cause he was a bit distressed himself thats how they held him xx

Its a very long time since I had my emergency C section but I remember vividly the need to talk about it. I was lucky in a strange way that my friend had an emergency section a few weeks later. We found that we needed to tell each other our stories over and over again until we didn't need to any more - and it helped to have someone who understood. It has left me a firm believer in the need to talk out traumas. I hope you find ways to help you to do this.

I did go on to have 2 other children without C sections, the last being a delivery without help at all and it took that to realise that, for me, actually the means of delivery isn't so importnat. I didn't feel more or less of a mother to my first child than my third.

Congratulations on your baby. YOU are the most important person to him right now - it doesn't matter who held him first or that the first few hours are a blur. He needs you and loves you more than anyone else.

Thanks for your replies am going to speak to someone about it i think id just love to know what actually happened. Am gonna speak to my HV or Dr when i feel like its not goibg to make me cry.

Am gonna write it all down like somone mentioned. I have spoken to my partner but he was just as effected as me in a way he will speak but he cant really remember ir he doesnt want to snd i get that.

I cheerosh my lb every day and am trying to make the most of him being so small they grow so fast ill be forever grateful for him being safe and sound ill just always wish i could remember his first few hours of life.ill eventually get over thus but its nice to habe people listen and also share there experiences snd advice too so thank you xx

The keep wanting to talk about it can be a natural way to try to make sense of a traumatic event. That he was born healthy doesn't mean that the process wasn't deeply traumatic for your brain to handle. A few sessions with a therapuist could give you peace quite wuickly in my experience.